Chickens= Hitlers of the Barnyard

11 Apr

I saw a news report on the Today Show this morning (hardest hitting news around I know) about how chickens are fast becoming a contender against dogs and cats as a popular pet.

No no no no no. I am here to make a rebuttal.

Chickens are the scariest animals on the planet!

Have you ever looked at a chicken. I mean REALLY looked at it. They are terrifying with their beady eyes, there is no way that they should be able to keep balance with their large breast (singular) stuck out so far, they have serious attitude, and don’t get me started on their running habits. My mom has had a roost of chickens for a few years now and lucky me I get to baby sit them when everyone is out of town… which is often.

Fortuitously, on my birthday weekend everyone was gone. I had just moved back from Seattle and re-adjusting to ‘country life.’ I was suited up in sequins and ready to meet some friends for a night on the town… I didn’t understand that chickens don’t like to be put to bed before the sun goes down… and have no problem making their opinion known.

Shockingly, my attempt  (more like nightmare) at corralling 13 chickens into the damn coop was full of terrible language, neighbors snickering (I should have sold tickets), tree in what once was perfectly coiffed hair, and more chickens chasing moi than the other way around.

Thirty minutes in I was left wishing I had made the decision to declare war with the herd BEFORE I put on my party outfit.

Amidst the chicken uprising I realize…WE ARE MISSING A CHICKEN!!!! And on my watch. Great. And did you know you can’t call 911 for a missing chicken?!?!

Turns out, apparently there was just one STUPID chicken with bad timing (although I argue they are all unanimously stupid). Einstein had fallen in between the wall and the outside metal of his house, leaving himself wedged in between…his life at my mercy. Decisions. Decisions.

I look down to see what I am dealing with and this chicken is feet-up, seriously stuck, and seriously vocal about his predicament. And I am supposed to reach in and yank him out? I think not! I need serious moral (or medical) support and copious amounts of alcohol before this deed gets done. But time is running out!  And people are waiting!

Let the screaming commence.

Chickens take to beautiful (I put that in for me ;)) girls screaming at them while simultaneously searching for an appendage to make contact with, about as well as Courtney Love takes to sobriety. Talk about claws out.

One sure-fire way to turn ANYONE off chickens is to have to pull one out of a cranny (by one leg mind you) flapping and flying and pissed off!… Let’s just say I survived… but barely.

Chickens are not nice. Chickens are not sweet. And chickens are not pets. They are messengers from hell sent here to make eggs, provide their scientifically erroneous breast meat (I do feel for them that they only got one, but that’s as far as it goes on the compassion) and attack innocent bystanders such as myself.

Current Score: Chickens-1 Lauren-0

Don't look them in the eye!!


2 Responses to “Chickens= Hitlers of the Barnyard”

  1. gram April 13, 2011 at 6:30 PM #

    This is well done and Fun-nie! Good job, L.E.!

  2. wendy June 7, 2011 at 10:03 AM #

    I think I peed my pants reading this….. SO FUNNY! AND TRUE!

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