Evil Kneival Dreams Shattered

25 Apr

Helmuts are for wusses. duh.

I thought I was fated to be the next Evil Kneival, paving the way for all the daredevil women in the world, but unfortunately at a young(ish) age I had my life nearly robbed from the clutches of my juvenile fingertips making me very aware that death is eminent and I would like to live until a natural death occurs, in my bed, at approximately the age of 75 (however, by that time I may change the golden number to 85… you know with all the technology and stuff).

When I was younger my Evil Kneival balls were tested at the hand of a miniature dirtbike that changed the course of my destiny and the rights of all women to be fearless forever.

My dad would often bring home random things. He had a beat up old blue van (I mentioned it before but from the age of 5-15 it was the center of my universe…much to my dismay) and if it could fit in the van, he would bring it home.

I had the most exciting van ride of my life to date when he squeezed in a miniature pony and we got to ride shotgun with it’s head in the middle ready to surprise mom with his exit from the vehicle (to say my childhood was out of the ordinary is an understatement).

So one day he brought home a miniature dirtbike (I know I say everything is better in miniature, but if it can achieve speeds of over 10 MPH and can crash… bigger is always better). Let the heavens open up and rain sunshine down on me and my brother’s excitement. It was so mini that it made the SMART cars look like a lifted limo hummer that you need a ladder to enter and exit from.

It was the David of all motorized bikes.

So collectively (me, my brother, and my dad… our mother wasn’t around for the disasterous strikes in my childhood… probably why they happened) we decided it would be awesome to race. Stop watch: check, knees level with handlebars: check, wide open spaces: check. We were ready and I was fully determined to beat the crap out of any time my brother put forth (although, I argue he had a serious advantage with his legs not impending his steering abilities).

Fortunately, to our aid, the track was set where you would have to burn rubber to get up the cascading mountain of a driveway and the momentum up the hill would catapult you at flying rates around the curve at the top and back down. This sounds like an added bonus right?! Hells yes!

So we take our turns and put up solid numbers on the scoreboard. But it is tight and the best out of three had better have my name on it. After a couple trial runs, I feel completely comfortable to take it up a notch with the speed. I get my run at the hill and we are going faster than before and I catapult around the curve and we are going REALLY fast…so fast that I feel like a bird… flying and WINNING and I can taste the victory!!….

Well that victory was abruptly shattered at the sight of a fence. I was catapulting alright… catapulting directly into barb wire and my long ass legs are impending my turn. I finally jerk the handles, simultaneously flipping the dirt bike over to frog (this is something that is not as fun nor green as it sounds and has nothing to do with amphibias) both my precious knees and take out the ENTIRE fence….we are talking like 50 ft of fence.

So here I am wedged under the fence screaming bloody murder and feeling the impending death that I know is coming for me as my life flashes before my eyes.

All I can thank the Lord for is that the fence gave way to crumple on top of me instead of decapitating me.

Talk about a sour experience. I will never get on a motorcycle to this day (unless I have a huge puffy prom dress with more tulle than Vera Wang knows what to do with and a professional photographer to capture my beauty, demure, and awe).

Miniature may not always be better and I have the scars to prove it. But, oh what could have been!! if I had dominated that dirtbike and today would possibly be the next Danica Patrick.

Damn the destiny.

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2 Responses to “Evil Kneival Dreams Shattered”

  1. emeraldarcher April 25, 2011 at 12:38 PM #

    This is amazing on so many different levels.

  2. mom April 27, 2011 at 11:18 AM #

    Hillarious to this day! Did you mention the horse trailer you slid partially under only because the fence was slowing your slide thus avoiding certain decapatation.

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