Automatic (Bathroom) Atrocity

9 May

If I could get rid of one element in this technological society… it would be the invention of the automatic bathroom.


Apparently someone who didn’t ask me took a vote and decided everything has to be automatic.

Just because we are in a bathroom I’m pretty sure our limbs still work. I don’t know if they created the automatic toilets for people who forget to wipe or if there’s secretly someone with a camera ready to watch your instant surprise turn to absolute rage when the toilet decides to flush all on its own while you are still doing your business giving you a nice public toilet water bath on your ass. Gross. Not to mention when you are alone in a bathroom and toilets just start flushing and the freaking out begins ASAP because there is that little piece of you that thinks maybe you are in the opening act of the next Scream movie (that would be Scream 5.. Bring. It. On.)

And it doesn’t stop there. After you do your business that’s when the real challenge begins… you go to wash your hands and of course you can’t get a damn thing to work… so you are just waving your hands in front of you like you just grew a sixth finger wand that will magically make something turn on…I can’t describe my excitement when I walk into the bathroom and there are ACTUAL paper towels (wait what are those!?!). If you think about it this delightful “automatic” experience is found nowhere else. It’s not like car makers are working on cutting edge technology of waving your hands in front of the door of your car to get in and then to turn it on. No one would get anywhere! We would all be stranded waving our hands frantically and cussing under our breath. Plus, everyone would be perpetually late and in a bad mood.

Compared to our brains (or at least most people’s), automatic is a bad idea. But noooo not with bathrooms. It’s like everyone got together and said bathrooms are the danger zone!!!, DON’T TOUCH ANYTHING!! Well I would trade some germs (they help boost your immune system anyways ,duh) for a bit of control in the mechanics of mother nature’s calling.

I bet everyone born after 1995 doesn’t understand my lamenting because that’s all they know. The hell of nearly every bathroom in the United States needs someone to fight for actually being human beings and that going to the bathroom as a fully functioning adult is possible. I realize it is 2011 and we should each have our own best friend robot by now (mine must be on back order), but at this rate we are all going to end up as those fat rolls of people in WALL-E. Yummm.


One Response to “Automatic (Bathroom) Atrocity”

  1. Sarah May 10, 2011 at 2:52 PM #

    I totally feel you on this one! Ellen does this great bit about it ( starts around 2:35-2:40ish).

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