Please. Leave. A. Message. LEAVE A MESSAGE!

27 Sep

I have a job. Luckily for me at this job I get to take voicemails for a lot of other people from “customers”. And the two life lessons learned from this task are…1) people are crazy, and 2) they don’t know how to leave an effective voicemail.

There is no sense in leaving a voicemail if you cannot follow the following steps. If any of these seem like a problem for you, just hang up.

1) Enunciate Yeah that’s right. Enunciate. Look it up in a thing called a Dictionary. Some guy named Webster can get you a copy.

2) Just because YOU know your number, doesn’t mean I do. People leave the SLOWEST messages, but when it comes to leaving their number its like their privates have caught on fire and they have to get the heck out of Dodge before they have time to leave their 7 digit phone number in a manner that can be understood.

3) Don’t call in a rage of anger. If you are angry do a bout of yoga before you decide to use the technology of the voicemail as your next therapy session…or at the very least breathe for ten FULL seconds and then warn me at the beginning of the message that I need to do a bout of yoga before taking this message.  No one cares about your venting, especially when you are still calling me names ten minutes into our “session” (and I’m just the messenger! you never know who will actually be hearing your lamenting)… PS I charge $100 + a grande Starbucks an hour. 

I swear I am not joking. I listened to this voicemail for 9 WHOLE minutes and the chick had managed to call me every name under the sun, call both her kids every name under the sun, scream at me, scream at her kids, cry, apologize for crying, laugh, cry again, and hang up on me before leaving her call back number.

This brings me to my next point.

4) Leave a call back number. How in the world is anyone going to accomplish anything if there is no way to contact you!?!?

5) Don’t be crazy. I get it we all have our crazy days, moments, occurrences… some have crazy lives 24/7. Don’t bring it into the voicemail. You can be mean, intense, matter of fact, but if you’re gonna pull the crazy card just go ahead and hang up. People wanna call a crazy person back about as bad as they want needles stuck in their eyeballs and raw chopped liver for dinner. Play it sane for 30 seconds (pretend like it’s a game and you haven’t just escaped from a mental institution) and then feel free to proceed with the continuous instability immediately following…or call the nearest mental institution and get yourself checked out.

6) Keep it short. I understand that your life timeline is very interesting… to you. But my Cisco telephone would like to request that what you had for breakfast, why your kid was conceived, how much you slept last night, or how your dog is your best friend be left out of the voicemail “situation.”

Name, first AND last, phone number, and like 7 words (TOPS) describing why your calling is really all that needs to be “discussed”. Details can be hashed out when a live person can understandthewordsthatarecomingoutofyourmouth.

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