Kohl’s Retail Requiem

13 Oct

I used to be the biggest advocate of Kohl’s. When they pulled their Vera Wang trick out of their bag I was ON the bandwagon ready to go in circles forever. I had sold designer Vera Wang RTW and was floored by the quality and the similarity to her runway collections. The cuts, styles, and prices were a collaboration of awesomeness. That was a few years ago. And I think we are still seeing the same cuts, worse fabric, higher prices, and the jewelry has been falling apart before I can even START to get my money’s worth (I have a mathematical formula.. e-mail for details.). Plus, their sales are not up to my cheap skate standards. Can I get a ‘boo’?

 Now, I have a list of issues with Kohl’s and unfortunately they seem to have reverted back to the crapola end of the fashion spectrum.

1) Lauren Conrad please Go Away. Why is LC considered such a fashion pioneer?? I forget when daddy’s money and an MTV reality status made you the expert on manufacturing clothing and selling it to the masses. No Bueno.

2) Elle?? Why are they trying to make clothes. Is it Elle Magazine or is it some other Elle I don’t know about. Whenever I think of magazines manufacturing things I think of cheap freebies-with-your-subscription, like pointless make-up bags and the smallest scarfs ever made… possibly for midgets… the jury is still out.

3) Daisy Fuentes. Where did she go?? And why isn’t her line ever pushed at Kohl’s?? I never see an ad for Daisy Fuentes’ clothing line possessing the magical power to turn you sexy, give you an accent, and push up your non-existent breasts into something similar to water balloons filled with pudding, whilst putting them at a geographic location closer to your neck than your belly button. “I want to go to there.”

4) The big Finale… Waaaaiiit for it… J. Lo and Marc Anthony… wait… what?? I didn’t think there was any more products left out there in retail land that didn’t have J. Lo’s name on it. But alas she has found another way to brand herself and simultaneously sell herself out.(Also, besides Kohl’s I see her in some stupid car commercial…does she even drive??!?! Doesn’t she have minions for that?) Congrats. The impossible is possible if you are a bajillionaire that isn’t sure you’re quiiiiiite rich enough. AND Marc Anthony??!? WTF Kohl’s?? Did you get a package deal before the divorce papers were signed?? When has Marc Anthony ever been known for style. Honestly, the first word that comes to mind is “latin-skeeze” (apparently spell-check says this is not a word… I would like to disagree.) I wouldn’t recommend any man trying to recreate that… unless they are divorcing a bajillionaire and don’t really need their style to snag the ladies… when they have alimony in their corner.

Kohls, Look away from the light!


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