Crazy for the sex. Hold the mace por favor.

30 Jan

Hola, Trunchbull.

So after breaking the 2.5 week mark in scintillating Madrid I have realized some very important… points.

Mace isn’t legal everywhere. Apparently it is illegal here, but  somehow my savvy packing skills got me into the country armed and dangerous. Many of my friends here in Madrid think I’m crazy for bringing it, think  it looks like breath spray, and think that I’m a badass. ;)Alternately, some of my friends from home in the States have asked me if I brought a gun… you know just to be safe… and so I can go for target practice at a moments notice I assume.  The difference leads me to believe either a) America is the most dangerous country in existence b) Americans are highly untrusting and anxiety ridden or c) it’s just much safer in Europe. I think it’s all of the above.  However, If you are an official reading this… don’t worry the mace is destroyed and gone. If you are my mother reading this… don’t worry the mace is secure and in my daily possession.

I guess we’ll never know.

“Men are crazy for the sex.” I meet girls and one of the first things they say is “Can you speak Spanish?” and the second “just so you know men here are crazy for the sex.” My reply is I think that’s pretty common in every country of the world. If you are male and have working male parts it doesn’t matter what language you speak, you are crazy for the sex.


People are super freaking nice. People here once they get to know me and realize I’m not addicted to fast food, are relieved I’m not 300 lbs and realize that I’m neither a political or religious fanatic, will go above and beyond ALWAYS to help me with whatever I need. Random encounters are a bit different, but anyone that has some sort of relationship with me redefines nice on a daily and non self-serving and judgement free basis.

Some Americans should take note.

If there’s a will there’s a way… to find Skittles. One of my students…realizing that I was in a bit of a culture shock meltdown… took me to the American store, and I can’t tell you how relieved I was to see the boxes of Duncan Hines cake mixes and individual wrapped bags of Skittles. Turns out root beer is an acquired taste…as his polite demeanor tried not to spit this NOT beer in my face… but Reese’s peanut butter cups are loved by all… similar to men and the sex.

Sugar high. Check.

Transvestites CAN be found. Transvestites are one of those amazing enigmas that I cannot figure out. You NEVER have to go looking for them they just exist like oxygen and toilet paper. It’s fascinating. And each one is so unique. Just the other day on my way to class I encountered a transvestite with a butt crack up to where her back boobs started. After feeling an enormous twinge of sympathy for her… errr his…. it’s… jeans, I realized that if transvestite aren’t bringing the “party” at 8 am, they definitely bring the topic of conversation for a later time with friends…strangers…or at the occasional work party.

Butt crack. Check.

Old men love me. No matter what country I’m in if you are male, over 50, and crazy for the sex. You love me. My father would be so proud. Let’s hope when I’m 50 and looking for my 3rd husband this still stands… but I’m going to guess I won’t be that lucky and I’ll be fighting off the 80-year-old eyes.

Thank goodness for mace.

The Trunchbull entereth. I’m a big girl in America. I’m a giant in Spain. It’s bad enough that in my mind I’m an Olsen twin (I think I can, I think I can) but the women here are super petite… and beautiful… and I don’t think they understand the word diet… these traits are synonymous with the men too. Yay. I need to find the country where all the tall, big-boned people live and make camp. Every time I walk into a place it’s noticed. The tops of people’s heads and wearing flats are really getting old. I’m also tired of people telling me “Wow, you’re really tall.” Yes, thank you. How perceptive of you. I’ve never heard that one before.

I’m a giant. Check.

2 Responses to “Crazy for the sex. Hold the mace por favor.”

  1. The Waiting January 30, 2012 at 5:59 PM #

    You are so funny! Yes indeed, Skittles do transcend the cultural divide.

  2. weathersby February 12, 2012 at 5:45 PM #

    Men are crazy for the sex? I am crazy for the sex.

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