Edwards Scissorhands and an 80’s band.

21 Mar

Feeling a bit frisky this week I decided to take my chances and go to the hair salon… in a foreign country. It’s a first and I was feeling …adventurous. Also, the Mtn. Dew Yellow color that had taken residence on my head coupled with the shadow of a Jewish Kippah was screaming “Don’t take me in public!!” So I gave in.

Enter Oscar.

His combat boots, super chic mohawk, and little bit of hair related English made me feel in good hands.

Then he passed me off to Edward Scissorhands.

There’s nothing quite like watching your hair being chopped off at rapid speeds and having to watch it in tense anxiety waiting for the deeply desired moment it will stop and you can breathe again. It’s like watching someone being pinched to death by a cage filled of lobsters and not having any boiling water and butter to come to the rescue.

WHY do salon’s have mirrors so you can watch? A) It’s never gonna make you feel good to watch the mutilation of your wet, hard-earned follicles flying through the air and hitting the floor never to be glued back on again. And B) You ALWAYS wish you could freshen up your makeup ASAP to help the  ultra-lighted grotesqueness you are being forced to watch.

Also, I now understand why hair stylists talk so much. It used to annoy me, but I will really appreciate the constant jabber from henceforth. When there is a language barrier the deafening silence makes the funeral for your locks a much more cringe worthy experience. You need someone there to bullshit you through the pain. AND make you trust that the finale is going to be fantastic and all the boys will love you and all the girls will hate you.

Edward did not instill any of these whilst she masterfully crafted… my mullet.

During my torture I luckily looked to the left and realized the lesbians’ shaved head and landing strip on her scalp next to me was ALWAYS going to be worse than what was happening on my own globe. However, if I would have known we were getting serious, I would have donated the shit to Locks of Love and then had something to write on my sign I’m going to wear for the next 6 months explaining my “situation” until it all evens out.

Surprisingly, it was only 37 euros. So it was cheap torture, and to be fair I can’t blame Edward for not magically making me look like Carrie Underwood in the picture I brought. They can’t do that in America either.

I’m just gonna need to lose 20 lbs, get a tan, and stock up on multi seasonal hats to go with my new do.

PS Carrie… you pull off a mullet magically… what’s your secret??

I need to brush up on the old tambourine and join an 80’s band stat.

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One Response to “Edwards Scissorhands and an 80’s band.”

  1. The Waiting March 21, 2012 at 3:24 PM #

    So sorry you had to endure that! When I lived in Korea, my hairstylist would never cut my hair as short as I wanted him to because he said that I would look like a man.

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