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I Hope You Brought Your Gloves

13 Feb

As Valentine’s Day is looming over our heads like a neon pink light of fury pointing cupid’s arrow to romantic cliched dooms-ville, when is the time to cut your losses and follow that light to the nearest bar… or decide to continue to fight for a love that may not exist except in Hallmark cards and on disgusting heart shaped candy messages?

Fights in relationships are a very common thing. So THEY say. (Yeah, I don’t know who “they” is either.) But when is fighting becoming less productive and more seductive? Is it the arguing that’s keeping the relationship exciting in a downhill crash and burn type motion… or is it really improving your communication and the nature of your relationship?

Should fighting be considered a normal sequence of events? And when should that sequence start? 2 minutes in? 2 months in? 2 years in? 2 decades in? 2 fifths of vodka in?

Is fighting a sign that you love each other and are working on the relationship… or perhaps is it a sign that this just isn’t working… and someone should be the bigger person, ultimately giving up the good fight?

Taking bets now.

AND should we put the gloves aside until February 14th is over for the sanctity of it? (Hahahahahahaha  No, that was a rhetorical question. How about we just realize it’s a day set aside for stress to come knocking on your door to present you with higher than achievable expectations.)

Happy Valentine’s Die Hard Day Bitches.


Crazy Is As Crazy Does.

28 Jul

In the world of dating there seem to be more and more crazy cards being played in “the game.” (Just more crazy cards in the world in general.)   And I cant help but wonder, should we be playing our crazy cards in the beginning or just like in the game of Texas Hold ‘Em, is there a “right” time to play them so you win the game of dating?

And don’t lie everybody has their own little quirks that they don’t publicize to the general masses. Carrie Bradshaw’s from Sex and the City was eating peanut butter and jelly on saltine’s while reading fashion magazines. That doesn’t count. I’m talking crazy-CRAZY. I’m talking like Hoarders crazy, or Intervention crazy, or Duggar family crazy. If I’m dating someone that likes to eat Comet cleaning powder on the side, or has to sleep with a hair dryer on at all times, or is planning on birthing a small army… this is a deal breaker… and I would want to know up front… not 5 dates later…not 5 minutes later. IMMEDIATELY. (and I want a 50 ft head start when bolting.)

I think illegitimate children and crazy baby mama drama are things that require a pin or some sort of label… or tattoo on their victims foreheads…so if one is not down with it they can dodge the bullet before the gun is even shot!

Additionally, along with when to put it all out there and how honest to be,  when it comes to dating and relationships I think there should also be cheat sheets. Like little laminated cards with the main information so in case you forget, you have a reference. There’s a 100% chance I’m going to forget someone’s birthday. (Cut me some slack, everybody has one and there’s 365 day’s in a year.) Or how about where they went to school, or sibling names… it’s just too much for my brain to handle…

…or perhaps I’m not listening. 😉

Save Trees, Say it With Words.

17 May

As time goes on and I continue my (conflicted) collection,  I can’t help but wonder… how has Hallmark done it?!? What REALLY is the point of cards? I’m pretty sure if I care enough I’ll go ahead and say it with words instead of in writing. Just because an offering of bi- or sometimes tri- fold well wishes is considered necessary for every holiday, congratulation, thought, and freaking sneeze (not to mention some holidays have been CREATED for the multi-billion dollar industry) doesn’t make it make any more sense.

We all learned how to speak at a young age, so why don’t you go ahead and say happy birthday, or happy graduation, or congrats you have (another) baby, or thank God you finally found someone to marry you? Now they even have talking and singing cards that you can record your OWN voice into…. yeah that makes sense??!?!

Or even worse, how about the production of giving and recieving cards. The card giver is conveniently standing right in front of you watching as you open the card and (painfully) waiting for you to react to it (I never know how to react to everyone watching you open a card… apparently there should be some grand surprised and pleased gesture about what the card editor in California has to say to you in your middle America home. Touching.) Should I cry? Should I jump up and down? Should I read it out loud? Should I pass it around? Should I smirk vs. laugh? What if I don’t get the corny joke and someone has to explain it to me AND then I have to pull another classic reaction out of my ass? (reaction X 2!! Talk about stressful!) There should be a rulebook.

I always get a card and then don’t have any clue what to do with it. If you toss it, it seems cold, wrong, and wasteful… but on the other hand if you kept all the cards you have ever gotten thus far, you are automatically signing your life away to be the next star of Hoarders.

So why don’t we all just say what we think and leave out the tree murder… it’s win win.

Plus, everyone knows the only good thing about a card is what is slipped inside it, right??

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