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I Hope You Brought Your Gloves

13 Feb

As Valentine’s Day is looming over our heads like a neon pink light of fury pointing cupid’s arrow to romantic cliched dooms-ville, when is the time to cut your losses and follow that light to the nearest bar… or decide to continue to fight for a love that may not exist except in Hallmark cards and on disgusting heart shaped candy messages?

Fights in relationships are a very common thing. So THEY say. (Yeah, I don’t know who “they” is either.) But when is fighting becoming less productive and more seductive? Is it the arguing that’s keeping the relationship exciting in a downhill crash and burn type motion… or is it really improving your communication and the nature of your relationship?

Should fighting be considered a normal sequence of events? And when should that sequence start? 2 minutes in? 2 months in? 2 years in? 2 decades in? 2 fifths of vodka in?

Is fighting a sign that you love each other and are working on the relationship… or perhaps is it a sign that this just isn’t working… and someone should be the bigger person, ultimately giving up the good fight?

Taking bets now.

AND should we put the gloves aside until February 14th is over for the sanctity of it? (Hahahahahahaha  No, that was a rhetorical question. How about we just realize it’s a day set aside for stress to come knocking on your door to present you with higher than achievable expectations.)

Happy Valentine’s Die Hard Day Bitches.

“Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.”

21 Dec

Of all the things I have never been, conventional is one of them. I never understood the socially accepted norm of get a job, work til retirement, then die…maybe have a couple kids and a couple marriages thrown in there… you know… whatever the wind brings you.

No thank you.

I was watching Eat, Pray, Love one day and it just occurred to me… Why is that women who get divorced and have a lot of money are the only ones that can afford to go searching for themselves in other countries and in exciting places or shake up their lives to discover the real meaning of their existence? I’m 26 and I’m just as lost as some 40-year-old divorcee. And of ALL things, the money issue should NEVER hold back anyone. If there is a will there IS a way. I know how to save up money (thanks to very understanding and loving parents) and live on nothing to get myself somewhere that I think would help me grow as a person, expand my understanding of the world, and help me to find myself (Really, isn’t that more important than cars and houses and designer labels?)

And that is exactly what I plan to do.

Constantly you hear people talk about “oh, I want to this…” and “I need to do that some day.” Well guess what, you may not have “someday,” but we all have today.

In 20 days I embark on a journey starting in Madrid to find myself, to defy the norm, and to bring about an adventure that cannot let me down. No one ever says “I really regret going to Madrid,” or “I really regret seeing the world.” So that is exactly what I plan to do.

Hello world I am coming for you… again (maybe it will stick this time.)

I’ll admit embarking on the unknown and doing it independently without a real plan or anyone to hold your hand is the SCARIEST thing I have EVER done… and this isn’t my first rodeo (literally 😉 ) But the rewards thus far are immense even leading up to D-day, and the growth to come I know will be endless.

Of all things I am most proud of in myself  and that I hope for others to understand in their own existence is to never settle. Settling leads to regrets and unhappiness… and becoming a divorcee.

Don’t settle in men, don’t settle in love, don’t settle for friends, don’t settle in work, and don’t settle in your set life.

Comfortable is easy, but real “life begins at the end of your comfort zone.”

Where are you on the comfort scale? As the new year approaches, what could be a better time to assess your life and start living?

You will never regret it.

Gifts 8, 9 & 10. Done.

20 Dec

All of you who haven’t gotten your gifts for this Sunday are… procrastinating slackers. So here are three ideas to save your holly jolly asses.

8 ) If all else fails call Victoria.

One can never go wrong with Victoria’s secret. I used to think this place was ridiculous… Until I tried on their seamless hiphugger undies… Now I am ready to move in and pay rent.

It doesn’t matter who you are buying for… from their pajamas, to scents, to lingerie, to gift cards… Just say yes. But definitely try out the hiphuggers and prepare to fall in love.

9) Go green.

Scentsy makes purfume. And they are solid. And they are Paraben-free. And they are Sulphate-free. And they are Phthalate-free. And they are Benzene-free. And they are Silicone-free. And they are GMO-free. And they are Propylene glycol-free. And they are Dye-free (no added colorants). Could anything get any free-er?? Maybe your spending budget.

Added bonus, they are never tested on animals.

Anything that smells awesome and can get through an airport is fine by me!

10) Finally, remember the starving children in Africa.

If all else fails and gifts are not an option in these trying times remember to be thankful for what you have.

 I was watching America’s Funniest Home Videos: Christmas Edition. Classic. But surprisingly it wasn’t so funny after all when I was soon appalled by all the children’s temper tantrums when they did not get what they wanted… I think I was most appalled because at one point (or last weekend) that was me.

It is hard to realize how fortunate our lives are when we get our head stuck in the sand of trivial “issues.” How are we raising our evil spawn if they can’t even look around and realize how good they have it? There are many more problems with this society than “no change” and shoeless robbers. The whole thought process on needs and wants and being thankful and opening our eyes to others’ realities needs to be re- imagined.

Try to remember what the season is truly about… love and being around those we care about… not what brand of play-dough you received or how many sparkles your new phone cover doesn’t have.

It’s the fact that we are alive, we have enough to eat, we have a warm place to stay, and they ability to follow our dreams and never give up on finding passion and life in…life.

A Cocktail, A Gun, and Two “I Do’s.”

21 Oct

The age is upon me where everyone around me is getting married, talking about getting married, planning weddings, getting engaged, having engagement parties, showers are as abundant as underage workers in China, and stress is plentiful. Ahhhh, breathe it in… and pass the Xanax.

I’m going to look on the bright side and thank the universe that we are not to the baby stage yet. Because when that starts… I’m moving to Antarctica and blaming the faulty public transportation to and from glaciers on my lack of presence until the children… have graduated college.

I love these girls and will help them with anything they need in their final hour as well as seriously enjoy being creative…but COME ON! This whole idea of “weddings’ and “happily ever after” cause of a six-hour production has totally gone over my head.

Let’s get this straight… You are going to spend a lot of money, time, energy, stress, lose a few chunks of hair, gain a couple of scars and hot glue blisters, and maybe forget your name, where you are from, and have to be committed by the end of it just for ONE (supposedly magical) day (the magic must be in the amount of relief felt when the disaster is over and no one lost a finger or died)?? Ok, that’s what I thought you said. Just checking.

I had NOOOO idea the amount of energy that goes into planning these things. And lordhavemercy! the amount of money that is made on this (is increasing with every divorce). I would think if we stop making all the crap fake foliage, and crystal tiaras, and light up bride and grooms that go into the creation of weddings, the polar bears might have a nicer home and Bridezillas and the WE channel may have never existed… only in my dreams… Oh yeah, and people might actually STAY married.

The amount of details that rack each and every bride’s brain blows MY mind. And the fact that we all sign up for our dream nightmare day willingly nonetheless.  I’m not even in (most) of the weddings and am feeling willing to soon agree to chip in for an elopement and need a strong cocktail. I can only imagine what all the father’s across the planet Earth are feeling. And the pictures, and the place cards, and the freaking centerpieces. Who thought up this madness and how did something so painful stick for so many years?

What happened to the good ol’ days when young men took their bride and 3 goats, shook hands with their father-in-law’s and called it even. 😉

The moral of this story: Fathers only have boys… and I’m going somewhere tropical with one AMAZING dress, copious amounts of relaxation, and vodka. Save the date!

Wedding Woes and No No’s

8 Jun

So I’ve been going to weddings recently… because I’m at that age… and ’tis the season… and I don’t know if it’s because here in the midwest people are confused or if it is a general problem worldwide, but there are some things NOT to wear and NOT to do when attending weddings. Contrary to popular belief that anything goes… if the happy couple (or their mommy and daddy) are going to fork out an arm and a leg to feed you, entertain you, and (hopefully) get you drunk then for the love of GOD! please dress and act appropriately.

Rule One: NO JEANS- If you wear jeans to a wedding, I think there should be a rule like St. Patrick’s day and the color green that in the jeans case anyone and everyone can slap you across the face as hard as they possibly can… hopefully knocking those jeans off you or driving you out of the presence of the wedding. Dumbass. I kinda feel this way about church too. It’s a nice occasion put forth a little effort. It won’t kill anyone.

Rule Two: DO NOT WEAR WHITE- WTF are people doing wearing white to a wedding. This is a no-brainer… I thought… Here’s a tip: Go black. Everyone has black and it is the new chic color for weddings. I don’t care if it’s after Memorial Day and before Labor day, that’s a stupid rule anyways that I don’t suggest following, but it’s the bride’s one day (depending on her personal divorce rate) leave her be alone in white. I might impose the slapping rule for this as well.

Rule Three: NO TENNIS SHOES- There are no words. And don’t give me the “cool Converse” excuse either. Just say NO.

Rule Four: DO NOT MAKE AN OUTFIT CHANGE INTO SOMETHING MORE COMFORTABLE- I don’t care how loose you want to get on the dance floor. Casual clothes aren’t acceptable at the reception either! Suck it up.

Rule Five: DO NOT SKIP THE CEREMONY- How tacky can a person be?? I don’t care how “late” you are running. There is no excuse for not being punctual for anything much less something you have known about and RSVP’d at least a month ago… invest in a calendar or join the 21st century and get a smart phone with an alarm and set it an extra hour early if you can’t get your business together.

Rule Six: DON’T BLACK OUT- When there is alcohol involved the last thing your hosts want is you face planting in the cake, trying to make out with grandma, or giving them a strip tease. Keep it classy people.

Happy Wedding season!

Perhaps these rules do not apply here...

Kim Kardashian Engagement = Rediculous Taken to a 20.5 Carat Level

26 May

I know entirely too much about this topic and it just happened yesterday. Kim Kardashian is getting married. Her ring cost over 2 million. Her future wedding is being compared to Kate Middleton’s with Prince William. Her fiance spells his name the same as her mom, and the siblings in his own family all have names that start with K.

Where do I start.

First off 2 million?!?!?  The ring is merely a 20.5 carat piece of work by Lorraine Schwartz… because that’s definitely necessary. I’m gonna go out and pick up one right now!

The dude only made 3.2 million last year. He must be banking on cashing in on his sugar mama’s empire. Lucky for Kris (the fiance, not the mom), Kim said yes. Also, WTF do you need a ring that’s 2 million dollars?!? Kim if you needed a skating rink in your posession there are more sensible ones in the area I’m sure, that probably are more affordable.  Who’s even sure that it’s going to make it to the finish line? That is some big change to throw down at the starting gate. PLUS, there is a recession and people starving all over the world, not to mention disaster areas from coast to coast that are bouncing back and forth faster than a tennis match!!

Second, they have only been together 6 months. This girl I feel like has been begging and pleading anyone on the planet to date her and pop the question because, heaven forbid, she isn’t the center of attention. Ever since her sisters have been settling down and gaining popularity it seems as if Kim has taken a nose dove into whiney-ville where its filled with desperation and tears (Reggie perhaps you dodged a bullet). Talk about a ticking clock… I predict children in less than a year.

Also, comparing the wedding to Kate Middleton’s?!? She is not freaking royalty!! I don’t understand how this whole debacle has happened. This family is taking over E!, Los Angeles, America, and now the British Crown!!

Please, Please, Please make it stop. But I know it won’t. And it’s becoming so crazy who can look away now? Plus who doesn’t have enough Kim Kardashian knowledge in their memory bank that they need more?? Apparently that’s me.

I am excited, however that Vera Wang is designing the dress. Yes, please.

Oprah Finale Recap…Could we have skipped the past 24 years and 364 days?

25 May

On Oprah’s finale women across America shed more than a tear for their leader. Oh geez… people follow way too much… myself included. How about that “Change” America??  I voted for him too!

But I will say that Oprah summarized some of life’s most important and appreciative lessons that no matter your hormone level, addiction, number of children, reading conundrum, or decorating dilemma that you may have had over the past 25 years, what she said in that last hour can be applied.

Oprah discussed doing what you love and when you have the passion in doing your love to its fullest, then you are truly serving the world and that this world is too concerned with fame. Ahmmmm WORLD do YOU feel served?? Well you should… I am providing abundant opinions and posts and a fabulous sense of humor 😉

Oprah at this point I would settle for a paycheck…much less fame haha just kidding…Perhaps a job on your new network or is O magazine still a viable option?? Hint. Hint. BTW I can move in….10 minutes?? 😉

I’m getting off track begging for employment… What I was getting at is that I love what I am doing and wouldn’t trade finding that passion in something for a vintage Dior (ya, that’s not true) but I also think it takes skill to parlay that “service” into being able to put dinner on the table. Passion may not be a privilege that everyone has in this world, but I hope that everyone can find at least a piece of that drive in their own lives to give them a taste of adrenaline and fulfillment… And find something to say that means something to someone… anyone!

Oprah went on to say that your life is YOUR life. There is no one to blame but yourself…And thinking about that, it is so true. Coming from broken homes or abuse or dysfunctional relationships or a flailing economy, they don’t define you, but they sure as hell shape you. However, when you take that plunge into self deprecation and self pity, that is the moment when you lose yourself and have let those “bad” things define you. It’s taken me 25 years, but I can see the good in some of the worst things that have happened to me. I’ve learned more about myself from them and the more flaws I have, perhaps it is true, the more character that comes with it. (How cliche.) And what we put up with after we find that power within ourselves… that’s what portrays our true character. You get what you will take and put up with.

So Oprah here is MY Newton’s third law… here is my action waiting for a reaction. Who knows maybe she is right. Maybe EVERYTHING we do comes back and our individual energy that is put out there ALWAYS comes back. Like they say Karma is a bitch.

In the summarized words of Oprah, Your life is speaking to you, go live it!

P.S. Oprah’s stylist and L’Wren Scott: NICE slimming, beautiful dress you put on the big O to help her go out with class!

Save Trees, Say it With Words.

17 May

As time goes on and I continue my (conflicted) collection,  I can’t help but wonder… how has Hallmark done it?!? What REALLY is the point of cards? I’m pretty sure if I care enough I’ll go ahead and say it with words instead of in writing. Just because an offering of bi- or sometimes tri- fold well wishes is considered necessary for every holiday, congratulation, thought, and freaking sneeze (not to mention some holidays have been CREATED for the multi-billion dollar industry) doesn’t make it make any more sense.

We all learned how to speak at a young age, so why don’t you go ahead and say happy birthday, or happy graduation, or congrats you have (another) baby, or thank God you finally found someone to marry you? Now they even have talking and singing cards that you can record your OWN voice into…. yeah that makes sense??!?!

Or even worse, how about the production of giving and recieving cards. The card giver is conveniently standing right in front of you watching as you open the card and (painfully) waiting for you to react to it (I never know how to react to everyone watching you open a card… apparently there should be some grand surprised and pleased gesture about what the card editor in California has to say to you in your middle America home. Touching.) Should I cry? Should I jump up and down? Should I read it out loud? Should I pass it around? Should I smirk vs. laugh? What if I don’t get the corny joke and someone has to explain it to me AND then I have to pull another classic reaction out of my ass? (reaction X 2!! Talk about stressful!) There should be a rulebook.

I always get a card and then don’t have any clue what to do with it. If you toss it, it seems cold, wrong, and wasteful… but on the other hand if you kept all the cards you have ever gotten thus far, you are automatically signing your life away to be the next star of Hoarders.

So why don’t we all just say what we think and leave out the tree murder… it’s win win.

Plus, everyone knows the only good thing about a card is what is slipped inside it, right??

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