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Hey Girl Heyyyyyyyy

13 Jun

I don’t…. I don’t… I just really don’t get these Ryan Gosling “Hey Girl” things that have taken over the web.

Yeah, I get that he’s hot… I get that ’cause I’m neither blind nor suffering from lesbianism… and he’s desirable,,, and beautiful… and perfect…. and “apparently” he’s sensitive… which I don’t understand who cares about that besides Eva Mendes (lucky bitch) and his mother.

Maybe I’m just too dense to get what most of them mean…. wouldn’t be the first time something went over my head… or though it.

Maybe I’m too busy looking at the pictures… cause let’s face it… the man photographs slightly better than chopped liver…but only slightly. 😉

But all the things he says in those posters are NOTHING I would ever wanna hear…  If you were within 100 miles of Ryan Gosling I’m pretty positive noone would be talking about attending craft fairs or discussing the difference between types of scissors or Pinterest projects that girls dream they could execute past the 3 second pin job on their lunch break.

First, you’d have to peel my skin off of his skin; second,  wipe the drool off my mouth; and lastly, carry me to the nearest smelling salts.

I don’t even get what half the references are to begin with, but perhaps that’s my lack of crafting knowledge, my hatred for discussing the food pyramid, or just the fact that who wants a dude as awesome as Ryan to be pussified into a female version of prince charming?

No, thank you.

I’ll take him quiet… quieter the better… and manly.

And if I ever do encounter Ryan and his first words start with “hey girl” … they better be followed by “I want to have your babies” … NOT “I bet I can guess your favorite color of fabric for throw pillows.”

And then finally he should serenede me with some sort of string instrument.. after the smelling salts have kicked in. Duh.

What the……??????

???

Gone is my Gaydar.

1 Mar

So everyone has been wanting me to follow-up on Nahum.

Apparently I described him well.

Most days I hate him because I have no idea what he is talking about and I feel like a first grader minus my nap time, juice box, and freaking cheese and crackers.

Recently, another development came upon me and slapped me in the face. Nahum is gay.

Another one bites the dust. (Seriously all the good ones are gay!! Ladies we need to step up our game!)

So now I just hate him and cannot even enjoy his perfectly manicured beard and flawless language skills. But it brings about another issue that I have. My gaydar.

Can you take classes on these things? I used to be pretty good and it and I’ll admit it’s easier in your own country…. usually… but I must have killed too many brain cells in the last ten years because I am striking out at a solid pace. I am constantly getting my hopes up for men that are batting for the other team. Perhaps it’s because heterosexual men have lost any skills they may have had in the past at dressing well and general proper hygiene. Plus, gay men can carry on a conversation like they majored in it in college. And they generally know about the important things like designers, up and coming clubs, and celebrity relationship statuses.

Living in the gay area here in Madrid (which is the BEST neighborhood in any city and safest for moi seeing as how I have boobs and a vagina) I still get stared at which is most likely them looking at my shoes, my lack of brunette hair, or they can hear me thinking in my American accent. Either way it makes me feel special.

When it comes to the gays I guess a girl can wish and hope that miracles can happen… or everyone needs to start wearing name tags (preferably bedazzled) with their finest italian leather footwear of perfection, sweet-smelling aftershave in just the right dose,  and impeccable tailored suits indicating their sexual preference.

The end of the world one orange oompa loompa at a time.

29 Feb

Snooki might be pregnant.

Lord have mercy on us all.

Everyone say an extra prayer that this rumor is false. The last thing ANYWHERE needs is more orange fist pumping oompa loompas.

Some people should not be allowed to reproduce. It’s a fact. I include myself in this category, so it’s not discrimination.

Poor Poor kid. Can social services be called before the egg has hatched? I’ll Google it.

Maybe the world is going to end.

Beyonce’s Baby Blue BS

8 Feb

Clue one… her deflatable baby bump.

Clue two… the erroneous amount of security at the hospital where she gave birth.

Clue three… her month after comeback pictures.

She’s curvy… curby girls don’t just bounce back like the Victoria’s Secret supermodel alien baby making machines. Just look at her skinny ankles. Mine are bigger than that after a Big Mac and french fries.

I call Bullshit.

On another pregnant note… when is Jennifer Garner ever going to give birth?!? I believe she really is pregnant, and it feels like she’s been in a delicate condition since before Obama took office.

I hate you Tracy Anderson.

15 Dec

I think the only thing I hate more than exercising, is people who say they LIKE exercising.

I know that is a lie. EVERYONE would rather sit their ass on the couch and eat a pint of Ben & Jerry’s… if afore-mentioned ass would promise to stay in the same spot until the day they die. Don’t lie.

Exercise enthusiasts who talk about how “fun” working out is and how they “can’t wait” to go to the gym bring about a sort of violence inside that makes me want to punch them in the face… three times… unexpectedly.

In the last few years the term “gravity” has taken on new meaning and I have tried my best to look away. However, it’s getting more clever with its prescence and I’m starting to become both nauseas and suicidal when I look in the mirror, dress, or cross my legs. Soooooo I went searching for something.

After half-hearted bouts on the treadmill and convincing myself that every piece of chocolate I eat CAN be zeroed out with 5-10 jumping jacks… and being bored out of my mind with this thing they call “yoga” I was determined to give up and start looking for my first cat.

BUT thankfully in my darkest hour I found the greatest woman alive and I would like to pick up an application to be her best friend.

Tracy Anderson.

She is Gwyneth Paltrow’s trainer… and anyone who says they wouldn’t want to look like her is a liar, too. Maybe, all three of us can be best friends?? Please say yes. I’ll be waiting for your rejection acceptance letter (think positive, think positive) to put in my ginormous pile of acceptance letters that I get everyday… 😉

After obtaining Tracy’s workout videos… watching a quick run through of them while sitting on the couch and eating Ben & Jerry’s… I decided I could POSSIBLY do that.

And I can! And I did. And I like it! Whaaaaaaa…. the world is definitely ending soon.

The mat video is my favorite. Not only is Tracy pretty to look at, she doesn’t talk a lot (which is BIG in my book), you don’t need a lot of fancy equipment, you can watch TV simultaneously, and it hurts like hell.

I hate her, but I really love her… and so does my ass… because it has decided to fit in those “skinny” jeans I was planning a burning service for and move up a couple of levels to join the rest of the world.

The cardio video is another story… it initially made me want to cry and call my old best friends B & J, but I persevered and realized I am not a dancer, never will be, and just imitating her is WAYYYY less frustrating than pretending I know what this thing called “choreography” is and that it should be a part of my uncoordinated existence. It shouldn’t.

Either way! Everyone should try Tracy’s videos out (be a hella of a Christmas gift)… and be impressed with the transformation… and thank me later.

Splitsville in Cougarcity.

17 Nov

So the rumors are true.

Talk about a fulfilling prophecy.

Shortly after taking on his new, playboy-esque role, Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore have announced their split.

Can I get an amen??

Maybe this will end the cougar obsession of middle-aged women. (One moment while I cross all my fingers… and toes)

Also, Ashton is a total douche, which he has most recently shown through Twitter and his half-ass job in reviving Two and a Half Men. (Which would be better with 1 1/2… or ZERO!)

And Demi, I’m convinced, is a never-aging alien who should just be put on display and dissected by scientists to understand her secret fountain of flawless bikini-ness.

I can’t believe the Kabalalahahaha marriage counseling classes didn’t work.

Mazel Tov you two!

PS

Team Bruce all the way.

Oh No, J. Lo

16 Nov

J. Lo… you have the WORST taste in men… minus Ben Affleck, which I will chalk up to your 1/3 life jackpot crisis  The newest one… Casper the friendly dancer… may be the worst of them all… I never thought that I would wish Marc Anthony back and that P. Diddy would start to look less fugitive-class and more just plain classy.

Let’s take a walk down J. Lo mistake memory lane shall we?

I think she should go ahead and set up residence in the Jersey Shore.

Baby Bieber

2 Nov

*. Double. Freaking. Facepalm.

So some stupid chick is out there professing to the world that she has birthed Justin Bieber’s bouncing baby. Please hold the applause.

PS I’m OUT if there are any more Bieber’s!!!! It’s worse than a zombie apocalypse.

Of course the crazy lady wants money… why else would you admit to being within 50 ft of Justin Bieber willingly… and HOW wasn’t she blinded by his amazing skills at wearing enormous-billed hats and multi-colored kicks, as well as his lack of chest hair to render her unable to perform?? Impressive.

But hold on one second… I think there is a much more important question that doesn’t seem to be being asked.

No, not if she wore his perfume during the concert leading up to the impregnation, OR if she found out what shampoo he uses, OR if she got free tickets to his 3-d concert movie puke fest extravaganza.

It’s… why isn’t she in jail?!?

Bieber is 17 years old. (as of March… thank you Wikipedia for that little tidbit of VERY NECESSARY information)

The supposed Bieber baby is 4 months.

The conception happened 13 months ago.

The chick is 20.

If you can’t do the math, I’ll spell it out for you.

R-A-P-E. Statutory specifically.

No one is denying the sex…yet… just the egg/embryo combination. HELLLOOOOO double standard. Not the women/men double standard of course. WHAT is that!?!?

I’m obviously referring to the celebrity double standard.

Since when can a recently turned 16-year-old have a one night stand backstage after his sold out billion dollar making concert?? Talk about Magical…awwwwwwww. And still be a role model for every young person on the entire planet! To make matters worse, she was 19…that’s 3 years difference…”Attn. all guests, we are now leaving the land of misdemeanor and entering felony-land. Welcome. We hope you enjoy your stay.”

Also, didn’t his manager just go on record saying Bieber’s balls had recently dropped bringing about a more “mature” less girly vocal experience? (Yeah, I read E! online every 15 minutes… so what??) Don’t you need errr…dropped balls to make a baby??

Which leads us to a MUCH more important question.

Which came first? The balls, or the baby Bieber?

I AM Darth Vader… In my dreams.

28 Oct

So if you have an Iphone (you are a genius) or a Droid (eh, you’re ok too). But then you know about the power of the App revolution and how it can change your life (or control your life.) One of the most life changing of all the Apps due to my personal and completely irrational fear of ACTUALLY speaking directly to people is Heytell (which I think has only been available on the IPhone’s and Droids). Basically it’s like voice texting… or a walkie talkie of sorts… and you can even partake internationally. I know. AHHHMazing!

But I would like to take it a step further.

Be prepared to be blown away and for the love of all that is techie… please steal my awesome idea and make this happen…or if it already exists I need the details!!

I think that for the Heytell app there needs to be a voice setting. This could also be applicable to the voice recording option to create lists and remind yourself of things and possibly the alarm clock.

When I say voice setting, I don’t mean a stupid voice setting…. like where you can make yourself sound like your average run-of-the-mill serial killer similar to in the Scream neverending franchise, or baby talk, or valley girl, or ANYTHING stupid and completely predictable like that.

I mean I want the Darth Vader voice option to say “Man, Luke (insert real friends name…unless it really is Luke, which makes the whole concept even more awesome), wasn’t that a crazy night. I was wasted!” Or use the Stewie Griffith option to say “I am plotting your imminent death as we speak. I’ll keep you posted. Let’s go get dinner.” Or perhaps Eddie Murphy that says “Bitch we need milk!” Or have the Austin Powers setting to say “Groovy Baby. What are you gonna wear tonight?”

The possibilities are endless… the humor is infinite…my ideas should envoke someone to give me holiday pay.

Crappy Clooney

20 Oct

This must be his secret mating dance to snagging all the hot women.

I think George Clooney is starting to redefine the definition of an asshole. And he’s flaunting his killer skills… on every red carpet, in every country, and in every magazine. And these women just flock to him like they’re gonna be different than the last. But it’s the EXACT same scenario… and it all starts with his boat on Lake Como… 

Plus, he has announced his plan publicly to remain a bachelor until death… which is nearing with every new woman. 

A pattern has definitely been established ladies, let’s cut the crap on the shock and hurt when shit goes south.

I used to be down with his playboy ways and brushed it off as picky and independent. But now he is starting to wear women like sweaters. Once he’s done with one he can always go buy another when the new season runways have presented better updated versions. But he does the same things with each of them… It’s a like the same tune just a different day… or lady. Deja Vu. 

And I mean I was totally down with his handsomeness…especially in the Ocean’s movies may I point out… but we have now hit 50, gravity is looming its dark head, bringing tackiness with it (as well as the ability to be a grandfather)… and he’s starting to look skeezy, as the women get younger and the transition periods get shorter.

Is anyone else getting the impression that he’s got a plan B, C, D…Z even before his current flavor just doesn’t taste right anymore or it’s expiration date has passed??  😦

Don’t do it George… I really want to like you!

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