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Male Bonding

22 Jun

Due to the lack of excitement at my job… in order to spice things up… I listen to the comedy Pandora station… 8 hours a day… you do the math…

Ok, it’s 40 hours a week… of dick jokes and lamenting about women.

It’s awesome.

However, the best part is, it makes me feel like someone is talking to me and I don’t have to speak back. People DO keep their distance, as I laugh at my desk like I belong in an insane asylum… which is arguable…but it’s a temp job. Whatever.

Listening to this much male-jabber, I have stumbled upon some very enlightening and interesting common themes amongst men (besides the obvious that goal number one = S-E-X) and an insight to how those things inside their heads work… not that HEAD! Their other head. Get your mind out of the gutter.

Their brains.

Here are the top ten things to be aware of according to “Today’s Comedy Icons Radio.” Brought to you by Pandora. And me.

Disclaimer: If you have one of those things called a boyfriend…probably don’t listen to anything I have to say. Ever.

Drum roll please.

1)      They don’t like to be set-up. Women have the children if you want to have play dates.  Dudes don’t want to be setup with your friends’ boyfriends, husbands, brothers, dogs, whatever. Let them pick their own horrible running mates… and leave them to the consequences.

 2)      When they say they aren’t thinking anything. They really aren’t… and if they secretly are… do we really wanna know?? Everyone say, “NOT I.”

 3)      Have a freaking opinion. Apparently the worst thing EVER is to let them choose by saying “I don’t care.” Even, if like me, you REALLY don’t care… pull something out of your ass and be firm about it. I suggest the conversation to go like this… just to be safe… Question: “What do you want to eat?” Answer: “SUSHI DAMMIT… 30 minutes ago! GET IT TOGETHER!”

 4)      Let them have their vice. Video games. Let’s face it. They ALL universally are obsessed with video games. Video games to them are like shoes to us. We can’t explain it, but we both turn into Gollum zombies muttering “My Precious” under our breaths when they are in a 50 mile radius.  I think let them be. If you bitch about it there’s a 99.2% chance they’ll just hate you for it. Plus, while their playing they won’t notice you Pinteresting the entire house in the image of  Barbie’s dream home complete with a bedazzled toilet seat, abundant framed silverware and burnt crème fudge pieces masterfully shaped to look like demented floral arrangements strung along the mantle.

  5)      Rape never crosses their mind. Unless they are a rapist. Men seem shocked that we as women have to watch ourselves wherever we go, and that darkness can be lurking around any corner. This blows their minds. I dunno what this has to do with anything, I just thought it was interesting.

 6)      They really appreciate compromise. If you give an inch they might give back a lot more just to be able to have a say in… anything.

 7)      Shut your trap. No one likes a nag. For example, if they dress terrible, just don’t be seen in public with them… I guess… I’m still working on a solution to this. I’m leaning towards just burn whatever it is you can’t stand and that will solve the problem with less words.

 8)      Money is the root of all evil. What century is this??? Apparently women are supposed to be equal. I don’t like this new turn of events. However much this pains me, maybe throw a bone once in a while and pick up the check. Apppparrreeennntttlllyyyy it’s appreciated. (Ugh, that hurt just typing it.)

 9)      They have a complete love/ hate relationship with fast food. Men LOVE fast food, but know they shouldn’t. It’s like Catholic guilt. They do it anyways. This may come with an older-ish man… depending on how much fast food he eats… probably at like 21-99 years old is when they start feeling the effects. But they’re still hooked on Fast food like crack… and there is shame to it. Especially to the KFC Famous Bowls….?!?!?!… riddle me that. So if they are having withdrawal sweats, are hallucinating, and/or are overly cranky… look to the MSG and grease first.

 10)   And finally, WHATEVER YOU DO, DON’T drag them to a craft fair. They melt like the wicked witch of the West. Never to be seen again.

*To be safe just buy them a Famous Bowl, give them a video game controller, and get out-of-the-way.

May the force be with you.

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Get me a baseball bat and Jennifer Aniston. STAT.

15 Jun

When did Office Space the movie become a reality in American workplaces? (And why aren’t we all as good-looking as Jennifer Aniston?!? Scam.)

 I’ve had more jobs than I’ve had haircuts and the more “experience” I get the dumber I feel and the closer I am to taking a baseball bat to the entire building… and then the world.

 When did people become so stupid??

We wonder why America is flailing and failing…

It might be due to the number of dumbasses in charge of the coffee pots and fax machines.

In my office we actually have TWO!!!! TWO!!!!  automated warnings (one at the top of the flight of stairs and then one at the bottom 16 stairs later in case you freaking forgot in the last 5 seconds) that tells you in a cheap Siri-style voice to watch your step and hold on to the railing as you pass… cause you know some fat idiot in ugly shoes freaking fell down the stairs and broke their face… and tried to sue… cause they didn’t want to admit… their shoes were ugly… and cause that’s what you do. Sue the bastards is the answer to everything these days. (Because we… naturally…LOVE unnecessary paperwork as an entire society. It’s in our blood. Passed down from the Viking generations… of the late 1200’s… B.C.)  

I have made a game trying to go up and down the stairs faster than the automated bitch can keep up with her warnings.

I have discovered all this is helping is to lift my ass …and up my dosage of crazy pills.

And don’t get me started with the printers and faxes and scanners! These pieces of crap are designed that way so the IT guy has something to do in between hacking into people’s computers to spy on what they had for lunch and listening to the New Kids on the Block Pandora station, dreaming of what could have been if he sang better and had less of a knack for ink cartridges and Microsoft Outlook tips.

Our printer is almost as fast as a 15-year-old tripping on acid trying to plow a field, plant corn, and watch it grow!

Almost.

I feel like we have all decided to just put up with all the shittiness because “hey!” there’s nothing better to do and those 8 hours a day aren’t gonna dick around themselves… might as well spend the time really making an impact on the world and bettering ourselves…

…one useless 60+ email chain at a time.

Seriouslyshootmenow McDaniel

12 Feb

So this is going to piss several people off. Especially those of you that do this.

Ya, you.

You know who I’m talking about.

But I HAVE to address it, or my head might explode.

But WHY?!?!?!?!?!?! is it acceptable to have “couple” Facebook pages.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

You know where people are like BethandSamSmith or Ican’thavemyownlifeanditsblendedintomyfacebooklifeJones or Fullonballandchainshootmenow Sanchez. Good Lord!!! It’s the most annoying invention ever. I have tried to just use my initials on Facebook and it won’t accept it, but a couple can put the word “and” in-between their names, meshing their complete existence together and it’s accepted by the Facebook system.

W.T.F.

Is it a lack of trust?? Who’s email do you decide to use?? Is it so you can stalk yourself AND your significant other simultaneously freeing up more time to hang out with eachother, talk to eachother, makeout with eachother… and go to the gym? No, you’re right, the gym takes way too much time for anyone sane.

Perhaps my misunderstanding is due to my single status… but I don’t think so (see previous commitment -phobe post.) 😉

I wonder what happens when they get divorced. Do you have to tell Facebook why you are separating your name from your spouse’s and you need to just have Ben back from Benandsheniqua Precious (and then you have to explain why you had to take her last name as well and Ben Precious isn’t really a name you want to commit to any longer) and it was all because you forgot to take the trash out and and then the baby started crying and spitting up everywhere and the dog escaped and before you knew it… shit went south… and now it’s Facebook official! Yay.

Puhhhhllleaaassseeee.

Hawt Bathroom.

1 Dec

What is the fascination with Facebook + self-portraits + bathrooms. This combination is not a good one, but a popular one nonetheless that has caught on quicker than fashion dies here jeggings and the cancer kills microwave cake (which is surprisingly delicious BTW).

If your “friends” wanted to see your bathroom, they would come over and ask to use it. I don’t need to see you shirtless next to a toilet flexing your muscles or sucking in your F.U.P.A. I can only imagine what happened 5 minutes before that photo-op… The possibilities are endless…and they most likely end with 1 or 2? Gross.

If the self-portrait HAS to happen, can’t someone at least try getting creative and start taking the narcissism to a more classy level? Like self-portraits of yourself loading the dishwasher or posing in front of the fireplace or toasting a strudel or changing a lightbulb. At least then I know you either are A) a neat and tidy self-obsessed person/photo-taker B) a self-obsessed person/photo-taker with excellent taste in instant breakfast C) a self-obsessed person/photo-taker who is actively trying to achieve premium lighting or D) a self-obsessed person/photo-taker who likes fire. (Please, please let it be D!!!) 😉

In any case ALL of those say way more than I’m a self-obsessed person/photo-taker who just took a crap and has zero to negative one million decorating skills.

Thanks.

PS Turn the freaking flash off and tidy up the sink!

…and then put some clothes on a get a hobby.

I AM Darth Vader… In my dreams.

28 Oct

So if you have an Iphone (you are a genius) or a Droid (eh, you’re ok too). But then you know about the power of the App revolution and how it can change your life (or control your life.) One of the most life changing of all the Apps due to my personal and completely irrational fear of ACTUALLY speaking directly to people is Heytell (which I think has only been available on the IPhone’s and Droids). Basically it’s like voice texting… or a walkie talkie of sorts… and you can even partake internationally. I know. AHHHMazing!

But I would like to take it a step further.

Be prepared to be blown away and for the love of all that is techie… please steal my awesome idea and make this happen…or if it already exists I need the details!!

I think that for the Heytell app there needs to be a voice setting. This could also be applicable to the voice recording option to create lists and remind yourself of things and possibly the alarm clock.

When I say voice setting, I don’t mean a stupid voice setting…. like where you can make yourself sound like your average run-of-the-mill serial killer similar to in the Scream neverending franchise, or baby talk, or valley girl, or ANYTHING stupid and completely predictable like that.

I mean I want the Darth Vader voice option to say “Man, Luke (insert real friends name…unless it really is Luke, which makes the whole concept even more awesome), wasn’t that a crazy night. I was wasted!” Or use the Stewie Griffith option to say “I am plotting your imminent death as we speak. I’ll keep you posted. Let’s go get dinner.” Or perhaps Eddie Murphy that says “Bitch we need milk!” Or have the Austin Powers setting to say “Groovy Baby. What are you gonna wear tonight?”

The possibilities are endless… the humor is infinite…my ideas should envoke someone to give me holiday pay.

I wish I may, I wish I might.

18 Oct

Bitches

I broke down the other day and went against my hatred for Mandy Moore, singing in movies, and relating to little kids, and watched Tangled.

And the moral of the story is…

DON’T DO IT.

It was like a time machine that reverted me back to age of 5 where my biggest problem was how to break my addiction to eating insects (mmmm protein) and what color eyeshadow to put on my brother next. By the end of it I was sobbing. And found myself considering dropping everything in this so-called “reality” and start holding out for perfect long golden hair, a world without a need for shoes, a furry best friend who could talk back to me, and a prince charming that looks more like Ryan Gosling and less like Prince William. It worked for Rapunzel, Cinderella, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty (I would pick her if I could be any… the girl looks REST-TED!), Jasmine, Pocahontas… the list goes on and on…so, why can’t it be me??

As young girls we SERIOUSLY believe these things can happen. Hello tragedy. It is taught at a young age… by a man no less (he goes by the name Disney. Walt Disney.)… that these things are not only possible, but can and should be expected. Ok, you hate your life, so you sit there and hope something awesome and magical will happen simultaneously with the birds chirping and the wind blowing through your dishwater blonde hair… or perhaps that dead opossum your mom just hit with her 1985 Lumina will magically spring back to life and join you in your favorite duet and dance off, taking your mind off the crap that has sent you to this hopeful/desperate place to begin with. This is not so. And at 26, reverting back to the desire of what once was real, sent me into an emotional tailspin.

And made me realize…

How can we be doing this to young girls?!? What an ultimate set-up.

One of my friends was discussing that she wants to write children’s books that go against these concepts that discuss the reality of relationships, hair… and forest creatures. And I am all for this concept. I’m not a feminist , but I believe in the conviction to be able to take care of yourself to an extent that dreams can come true and that those dreams are full of passion and compassion. 

There needs to be more reality in a world where most things are not perfect…EVER. Providing girls with the tools to support themselves, be independent, and think in a sincere and firm fashion is what I would want for my daughters. (As well as knowing two languages and have the skills to cook things that don’t come from a box.)

A man is not a necessity, a good head of hair is pure luck, and talking critters is… something the scientists had better be working on.

New News.

4 Oct

I'm guessing she might be down with moving to Mexico.

So I woke up this morning to the news that Mexico is enforcing a two year marriage law and Denmark is charging more tax for foods with high fat content in grocery stores.

Ok. Go!

1) A two year marriage law?? Apparently after two years of marriage if you decide that maybe you made a bad decision and would like a do-over, guess what you can! If you move to Mexico…

Hold on one second. Isn’t that what dating is for?!?!? You date someone for two years or 4 years or ten minutes, move in together most likely and then decide you would like to black out your latest decision and start living your life as a Wilson Phillips soundtrack and that 24/7 sock action or dangerously high amounts of PMS is not for you. Ta-da! You break up and go your separate ways. Duh.

And.

2) Yesss!!! Please tax higher fat content foods. As a poor person I cannot afford healthy snacks. Fruits and vegetables are not on the menu unless they are frozen and on special. My only problem is that this law… is in Denmark. I have been to Denmark and I didn’t see a lot of fat people. I think the fat content is under control there. I want this brought to the fat capital of the world. The good Ol’ U.S. of A. Specifically the middle part. Because let’s face it. There ARE fat people here. It would be like shooting fish in a barrel. And the fitter the fish the greater the chances of dodging the bullets… right?? We need more fit and active and healthy Americans. It’s a sad, sad epidemic. Plus, cigarettes are taxed to stop people from smoking, right?? I feel that fat is equally as dangerous and just as much of a concern, especially in your local Applebee’s or KFC between the hours of 5 & 8 pm.

I also feel like this law may have a negative impact on McDonald’s and their $1 menu which I am all for.

Please. Leave. A. Message. LEAVE A MESSAGE!

27 Sep

I have a job. Luckily for me at this job I get to take voicemails for a lot of other people from “customers”. And the two life lessons learned from this task are…1) people are crazy, and 2) they don’t know how to leave an effective voicemail.

There is no sense in leaving a voicemail if you cannot follow the following steps. If any of these seem like a problem for you, just hang up.

1) Enunciate Yeah that’s right. Enunciate. Look it up in a thing called a Dictionary. Some guy named Webster can get you a copy.

2) Just because YOU know your number, doesn’t mean I do. People leave the SLOWEST messages, but when it comes to leaving their number its like their privates have caught on fire and they have to get the heck out of Dodge before they have time to leave their 7 digit phone number in a manner that can be understood.

3) Don’t call in a rage of anger. If you are angry do a bout of yoga before you decide to use the technology of the voicemail as your next therapy session…or at the very least breathe for ten FULL seconds and then warn me at the beginning of the message that I need to do a bout of yoga before taking this message.  No one cares about your venting, especially when you are still calling me names ten minutes into our “session” (and I’m just the messenger! you never know who will actually be hearing your lamenting)… PS I charge $100 + a grande Starbucks an hour. 

I swear I am not joking. I listened to this voicemail for 9 WHOLE minutes and the chick had managed to call me every name under the sun, call both her kids every name under the sun, scream at me, scream at her kids, cry, apologize for crying, laugh, cry again, and hang up on me before leaving her call back number.

This brings me to my next point.

4) Leave a call back number. How in the world is anyone going to accomplish anything if there is no way to contact you!?!?

5) Don’t be crazy. I get it we all have our crazy days, moments, occurrences… some have crazy lives 24/7. Don’t bring it into the voicemail. You can be mean, intense, matter of fact, but if you’re gonna pull the crazy card just go ahead and hang up. People wanna call a crazy person back about as bad as they want needles stuck in their eyeballs and raw chopped liver for dinner. Play it sane for 30 seconds (pretend like it’s a game and you haven’t just escaped from a mental institution) and then feel free to proceed with the continuous instability immediately following…or call the nearest mental institution and get yourself checked out.

6) Keep it short. I understand that your life timeline is very interesting… to you. But my Cisco telephone would like to request that what you had for breakfast, why your kid was conceived, how much you slept last night, or how your dog is your best friend be left out of the voicemail “situation.”

Name, first AND last, phone number, and like 7 words (TOPS) describing why your calling is really all that needs to be “discussed”. Details can be hashed out when a live person can understandthewordsthatarecomingoutofyourmouth.

Jonah Hill: Not Skinny on the Laughs.

22 Sep

So move over Leno and Letterman, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon is hands down the BEST late night show on TV. I may be biased because I have a MAJOR crush on Jimmy and would be the leader of the Jimmy Fallon groupie movement starting… yesterday.

But for reals, come on! He has The Roots as his Late Night Band, the best celebrity games, and incorporates all the techie stuff very fluidly into his funny. And last night was no exception to the highlarious with Jonah Hill as his guest.

If you didn’t see it… A few things…

1) Jonah Hill is still freaking hilarious even though there is only 1/3 of him left. I think he’s lost like 3 million lbs. Seriously 😉

2) Jonah was promoting Moneyball which looks really, really good… I may be biased because baseball is my sport of choice… Oh yeah, and in case you hadn’t heard, Brad Pitt is in it.

3) Jonah totally slammed Matthew Morrison (You know that stupid guy… from that stupid little diva producing show… Glee) in the funniest way possible. YES!

If you missed it last night be sure to check it out here. You can thank me later.

Go Big (ger) or Stay Home

14 Sep

I know you have heard it before, but it REALLY IS true. When shopping for clothes it doesn’t matter about the number size!!! I cannot reinforce this idea enough.

Those numbers are BS anyways and it is a well-known fact that clothiers label clothes smaller just so all the obese, fat, overweight, hefty and “big-boned” people in the world feel better about themselves because “by george! they fit into a smaller size! Those morning doughnuts, and afternoon potato chip snack diets MUST be working!! Cheeseburger to celebrate anyone??”

NO. NO. NO. Pay attention to the cut and the fit. A little loose is ALWAYS better than a little tight (as well as ALOT tight…Unless it’s going to MAJORLY stretch after you wear it…and unless you are going for the sausage look…then, by all means squeeze away!). 

You WILL look smaller when your clothes fit correctly or are a little bigger (I promise!!)… and an added bonus… you have room to grow into them on those “bloated/retaining water/big-boned” days. 😉

It’s ok to part with those skinny jeans from ten years ago… or that favorite pre-tire tee from middle school. Trust me. And now is a great time shop for new pieces, with the holidays coming up and cold weather wear to hide your wobbly bits.

*Brought to you by the Foundation for Clothes Fitting Properly and The Fight Against the Sausage and Muffin Top Looks.

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