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Kids Suck… but It’s Our Own Fault

7 Feb

ImageMy “man friend” (that’s what I call him because “boyfriend” is the most cliche and terrifying word to someone who is afraid of commitment… ever… FYI)  the other day was discussing having children … and once the smelling salts kicked in and I crawled off the floor and ingested a couple glasses of red wine… I got to thinking.

I started looking around at all the children and instead of scowling I tried to be unbiased. Key word tried. But honestly!! after paying attention to the coming generations… I’m not sure I want to live in this world much less bring in additional sufferers.

What in the hell are we doing to our children today?? When did this bullshit of everyone is equal and a winner come to fruition? I think NOT. Participation trophy’s and no child left behind and child services at every corner waiting to sweep your offspring to foster homes is completely out of control. In the words of Will McAvoy (if you haven’t watched HBO’s the Newsroom… you NEED to) America is NOT the greatest country in the world anymore and with great reason.

My parents hit me and you know what… I’m still alive! Ta DA! Sure it was unpleasant when it happened… But I don’t have any scars… not even emotional ones… those came from elsewhere. But you know what I do have? Respect for authority …and character. I would have hit me too. I was a nightmare from the ages of 3- 25. I still need to be hit most days. And you know what… I lost in team sports and my lack of ability to put one foot in front of the other left me to be the last person picked in dodge ball. I didn’t cry. I found something I was good at so I could feel proud of myself. I worked harder at things that I was mediocre at. I excelled in school because it set me apart from my peers. It gave me a niche. It made me work to feel a sense of accomplishment… What is that?!

This hand holding and coddling ridiculousness is creating a generation of pussies… yeah I said it PUSSIES…  who aren’t going to be able to take care of themselves, much less be contributing members of society. They are going to fill out a job application (if they can even think for themselves that far) work for two hours (if they can make it that long) and be waiting with their hand out for a golden trophy and a pat on the back.

YEAHHHH RIIIIGHHHTT.

This is not the world I want to be in much less bring someone else in it. I’ll hit my kid for saying ‘shit’ at the age of 3 cause they heard it on TV (or from me) and because they threw a temper tantrum in the supermarket cause I wouldn’t buy them a candy bar and a second Ipad … and then we’ll all be in jail.

No thank you.

I think I’d rather move to Mars. I hear it’s nice there.

Seriouslyshootmenow McDaniel

12 Feb

So this is going to piss several people off. Especially those of you that do this.

Ya, you.

You know who I’m talking about.

But I HAVE to address it, or my head might explode.

But WHY?!?!?!?!?!?! is it acceptable to have “couple” Facebook pages.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

You know where people are like BethandSamSmith or Ican’thavemyownlifeanditsblendedintomyfacebooklifeJones or Fullonballandchainshootmenow Sanchez. Good Lord!!! It’s the most annoying invention ever. I have tried to just use my initials on Facebook and it won’t accept it, but a couple can put the word “and” in-between their names, meshing their complete existence together and it’s accepted by the Facebook system.

W.T.F.

Is it a lack of trust?? Who’s email do you decide to use?? Is it so you can stalk yourself AND your significant other simultaneously freeing up more time to hang out with eachother, talk to eachother, makeout with eachother… and go to the gym? No, you’re right, the gym takes way too much time for anyone sane.

Perhaps my misunderstanding is due to my single status… but I don’t think so (see previous commitment -phobe post.) 😉

I wonder what happens when they get divorced. Do you have to tell Facebook why you are separating your name from your spouse’s and you need to just have Ben back from Benandsheniqua Precious (and then you have to explain why you had to take her last name as well and Ben Precious isn’t really a name you want to commit to any longer) and it was all because you forgot to take the trash out and and then the baby started crying and spitting up everywhere and the dog escaped and before you knew it… shit went south… and now it’s Facebook official! Yay.

Puhhhhllleaaassseeee.

Gifts 8, 9 & 10. Done.

20 Dec

All of you who haven’t gotten your gifts for this Sunday are… procrastinating slackers. So here are three ideas to save your holly jolly asses.

8 ) If all else fails call Victoria.

One can never go wrong with Victoria’s secret. I used to think this place was ridiculous… Until I tried on their seamless hiphugger undies… Now I am ready to move in and pay rent.

It doesn’t matter who you are buying for… from their pajamas, to scents, to lingerie, to gift cards… Just say yes. But definitely try out the hiphuggers and prepare to fall in love.

9) Go green.

Scentsy makes purfume. And they are solid. And they are Paraben-free. And they are Sulphate-free. And they are Phthalate-free. And they are Benzene-free. And they are Silicone-free. And they are GMO-free. And they are Propylene glycol-free. And they are Dye-free (no added colorants). Could anything get any free-er?? Maybe your spending budget.

Added bonus, they are never tested on animals.

Anything that smells awesome and can get through an airport is fine by me!

10) Finally, remember the starving children in Africa.

If all else fails and gifts are not an option in these trying times remember to be thankful for what you have.

 I was watching America’s Funniest Home Videos: Christmas Edition. Classic. But surprisingly it wasn’t so funny after all when I was soon appalled by all the children’s temper tantrums when they did not get what they wanted… I think I was most appalled because at one point (or last weekend) that was me.

It is hard to realize how fortunate our lives are when we get our head stuck in the sand of trivial “issues.” How are we raising our evil spawn if they can’t even look around and realize how good they have it? There are many more problems with this society than “no change” and shoeless robbers. The whole thought process on needs and wants and being thankful and opening our eyes to others’ realities needs to be re- imagined.

Try to remember what the season is truly about… love and being around those we care about… not what brand of play-dough you received or how many sparkles your new phone cover doesn’t have.

It’s the fact that we are alive, we have enough to eat, we have a warm place to stay, and they ability to follow our dreams and never give up on finding passion and life in…life.

“But Mooooommmmmmm…”

8 Nov

My whole life I have been painfully concerned of what my parents thought. Boys, work, what I wear, what I say, what I like/don’t like, decisions I make… I’m gonna go clean my room now. 

I blame it on being the oldest… and my yet-to-be-diagnosed obsessive compulsive disorder.

However, this crippling defect has led me to be wrought with anxiety (as well as uncontrollable uptightness and borderline insanity)… my entire life.

When is it supposed to stop? 26 and living with my parents makes it a lot harder to see out of the bubble and realize. Oh yeah, I’m 26… not 12. This curse trait has also led them to move their opinions from their mouths to their eyes so as not to unleash the beast of my crazy self-defending opinions, while simultaneously making my insanity anxiety ever so abundant due to the fact that I don’t know what they’re thinking and my negative positive outlook helps me to imagine the absolute worst.

I come from a background that is most definitely unconventional. I’m also living in an unconventional job market coupled with my unconventional personality as a drifter whose passion for wanderlust has driven me back to unconventionally living at home. Did I mention I’m 26? 😉

With many others also experiencing the second round of shacking-up with the rents and trying to find a personal path, when is it time to stop taking into account what “those people” who created you think; taking their advice literally as advice instead of orders like on a to-do list of chores that you got when you were 8?

 How does one find their own way when they are so close to their lifeline, trying to find their own life? Where is that happy medium to living independently in your parents world house?

And how does one not offend or be offended when opposing sides wield their evil opinions and there is nowhere to go but home?

There is a line between being an adult and being a daughter. If you find it let me know.

Baby Bieber

2 Nov

*. Double. Freaking. Facepalm.

So some stupid chick is out there professing to the world that she has birthed Justin Bieber’s bouncing baby. Please hold the applause.

PS I’m OUT if there are any more Bieber’s!!!! It’s worse than a zombie apocalypse.

Of course the crazy lady wants money… why else would you admit to being within 50 ft of Justin Bieber willingly… and HOW wasn’t she blinded by his amazing skills at wearing enormous-billed hats and multi-colored kicks, as well as his lack of chest hair to render her unable to perform?? Impressive.

But hold on one second… I think there is a much more important question that doesn’t seem to be being asked.

No, not if she wore his perfume during the concert leading up to the impregnation, OR if she found out what shampoo he uses, OR if she got free tickets to his 3-d concert movie puke fest extravaganza.

It’s… why isn’t she in jail?!?

Bieber is 17 years old. (as of March… thank you Wikipedia for that little tidbit of VERY NECESSARY information)

The supposed Bieber baby is 4 months.

The conception happened 13 months ago.

The chick is 20.

If you can’t do the math, I’ll spell it out for you.

R-A-P-E. Statutory specifically.

No one is denying the sex…yet… just the egg/embryo combination. HELLLOOOOO double standard. Not the women/men double standard of course. WHAT is that!?!?

I’m obviously referring to the celebrity double standard.

Since when can a recently turned 16-year-old have a one night stand backstage after his sold out billion dollar making concert?? Talk about Magical…awwwwwwww. And still be a role model for every young person on the entire planet! To make matters worse, she was 19…that’s 3 years difference…”Attn. all guests, we are now leaving the land of misdemeanor and entering felony-land. Welcome. We hope you enjoy your stay.”

Also, didn’t his manager just go on record saying Bieber’s balls had recently dropped bringing about a more “mature” less girly vocal experience? (Yeah, I read E! online every 15 minutes… so what??) Don’t you need errr…dropped balls to make a baby??

Which leads us to a MUCH more important question.

Which came first? The balls, or the baby Bieber?

Where is my RV dammit?!@

25 Oct

I'm guessing that elephant definitely doesn't want to hug-it-out.

Who created jobs?? I think it dates back to the asshole that created money and then said “you have to work for this green stuff and it’s the only way you can buy things to survive.”

I call bullshit.

But like good students we all took it to the extreme and started things called careers, and then figured out that these careers can make LOTS of money after LOTS of time invested…

… and then we all lost our souls.

Why are people so obsessed with careers and social status through those careers? You know what job I want?? I want to be given an RV and just drive around the United States of America seeing everything I possibly can, eating out of a microwave and a tin can, and sleeping on a futon that serves multiple, magical purposes. (This may also be called vagabond.)

In a perfect world (*sigh)

I think that if anything this recession is proving how completely reliant we are on a society that has been created on making money rain and using more than we need… of EVERYTHING. It’s an idea that’s all in our head… and our egos. 

People are freaking out cause they don’t have jobs, and nice cars, and sweet vacay packages, and mansions to call home, and are living with their parents. But who cares? And thank God we have parents, right? Who cares what other people think? Take advantage of what little has been put in front of you and find something that will put a smile on your face, not just a check in the bank.

I understand there needs to be a happy medium and realistically it does take money to survive, but the survival shouldn’t be focused on the amount of money or the status, but perhaps on the amount of love. Love comes from passion, human interaction, and, well, love. Money isn’t gonna show up to your funeral, or pick you up when you are down, or hug-it-out when inevitable meltdowns ensue.

I wanna be the next Mike Roe, but instead of Dirty Jobs no way in hell I want temporary jobs. I wanna just move around, work for a bit, make impacting relationships, help where I can, and move on. There’s no formula that says a title or savings account makes you and your productivity in this world any greater. Many of us may have one major stated on our college diplomas, but have a lot of different skills that can be utilized for the greater good.

Perhaps if we find we need “things” less, we will find more happiness in the experience, less stress without a title, love with what and who we have now,  and the understanding that until you are starving in Africa dying of AIDS, it could always be worse.

There Are No Words…

20 Sep

OMG.

 Yes, that is Lindsey Lohan.

And yes that is Dina Lohan (her mom).

Yes, they are making out.

Isn’t this how everyone wishes their mom “Happy birthday”??… in crazytown…

The End.

PS. My money’s on another alcohol ankle bracelet in the near future… like before Lindsey has time to steal any more necklaces.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills & BRAVO= Disgusting

30 Aug

So BRAVO is now at all time low in the books of morals that doesn’t seem to exist any longer. Russell Armstrong commits suicide, leaving the future of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills in a bit of a sticky situation.

But fear not!

Instead of taking the high road, middle road, or even the expected low-ish road and respecting the life of Armstrong, his family, and the situation, BRAVO has decided to take the greedy lowest of all roads and naturally profit on such a taboo concept.

Instead of NOT airing RHOBH, or at the very least trying to sort of respect the situation and the family… they are going to have a SPECIAL?!?! episode with the reactions of the women regarding his death and focusing on what happened that fateful night.

I’ll be ashamed FOR them.

Puke me. My faith in humanity… and cable television is no longer. But why would anyone expect anything more? 😦

E! News Report

Shopping Solo? You CAN Do It.

26 Aug

What is up with women always taking men and children shopping? I feel like these two concepts do not go together. Men can shop for themselves, they ARE adults, so don’t use that excuse and kids come with pre acknowledged sizes that don’t need to be tried on.

And yes, I have been guilty of dragging along past boyfriends to give me an opinion or keep me company… but now that I  look back… obviously I was a crazy bitch. Why would I subject someone who I (supposedly) like to something so horrible? And why can’t women just man up and be independent from their extra appendages for an afternoon?

You ALWAYS see kids whining that they are hungry or playing bumper cars with shopping carts, or distressed men parked on benches and leaning on racks with complete looks of disdain on their faces. I feel SOOO bad for them.  It’s also horrible for me personally… they don’t even give good opinions.

I may have this negative shopping opinion from my upbringing. I have NEVER seen my father in a mall or a Wal-Mart or any kind of conventional store… come to think of it, I wonder how he clothes himself… must be magic. Once in a blue moon if my mom happens to be on her near deathbed, he MIGHT venture out to pick up a loaf of bread, or milk or something completely necessary, all the while receiving the exact route simultaneously from my mother whilst still on previously mentioned deathbed like some sort of GPS adventure.

It seems to me that the whole shopping experience is much less enjoyable when you have a constant shadow… especially one that could care less about what you are putting on your body because A) in a perfect world they would rather have you naked 100% of the time (fairly though, men seem to perk up when Victoria’s Secret is on the menu, but I can’t say the same for children) or B) they are either gonna throw up, drool, or poop on your purchases later (a child’s only opinion should lie in fabric absorption…).

THEN you have the screaming kids that REALLY make it fun for the rest of us and especially for the husbands who seem to become shopping, opinion giving, travelling nannies…

Just leave the circus at home and shop in peace.

Hell, not only will it make the rest of us happy, but it might just lead to lowering the divorce rate.

Pinkett-Smith’s: So close.

23 Aug

Cheese and Rice! You have no idea how excited I got when I thought that Will and Jada were splitting up. Jada is the most annoying person on the planet… except I do love when she rocks a healthy fro. But that family is taking over the world and I feel like a divorce would weaken their power on society, stifle their HUGE egos, as well as lessen the crappy karate movies in the market, all the while hopefully eliminating a small portion of  tween crap on the radio and Youtube. If I hear Whip My Hair  one more time I’m gonna throw up then track down Willow and show her a real whipping.

Thanks In Touch Weekly… Last time I checked it’s not April 1. Unfortunately, the rumors are false. But can I put this on my Christmas list?

Let’s start taking bets on how soon the lawsuit by the Pinkett-Smith’s against In Touch
Weekly happens… my money’s on sometime between when E! News airs tomorrow evening and before Oprah’s OWN network begins it’s fall season kickoff!

 

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