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Go Lesbians.

12 Mar

After 10 weeks of awesomenes in Spain. ruts were hit this weekend causing me to miss home.

Gasp.

I didn’t think it could happen, but I miss America with a fiery vengeance.

*EXCEPT for the insane politics that are leading up to the next election which make me want to become permanently Canadian and  flee the possible second civil war and the white trash habitants that weigh over 356 lbs.

Just to be clear.

Sometimes a girl just wants to talk. After weeks of broken English, endless frustration, and many flailing calories burned by Nahum. My spanish is about where it was when my ship landed in Spain 10 weeks ago. I have a friend that speaks the king’s English but that shit is cray! Most of the time I think she’s making up words and calling them English. I just wanna bitch about something vocally. This hasn’t happened in some time. I’m not a talker. But man a complete sentence in American would be muy muy bueno. I must be sick or something.

Men. I NEVER thought these words would be coming out of my mouth. But American men are REALLY nice… ahhem in comparison… the bell curve isn’t really peaking by any means.) I will not take them for granted in the future… Ok, ok… I will TRY not to take them for granted in the future. In Spain the men play games similar to chess. Meaning I know neither the rules, where the board is, or what pieces we are using. But I do know that in the end they are king and it’s check mate for you no matter how you play your cards. Best just to surrender and become a lesbian… or nun.

Tricky bastards.

My mom’s cooking. The worst thing about me is my lack of attention to detail. This skill would have been a good one BEFORE I food poisoned myself. However, this also exemplifies my skills at magic. Because I food poisoned myself with pasta. Ta-Da! Skillz. (To be fair apparently the vegetables I bought had shrimp in them. Note to self shrimp in the Spanish language = gambas. And they need to be cooked throughly… or just avoided altogether.)

Nothing makes you want to kill yourself quicker than a bout of strong, self-inflicted, food poisoning. Check mate.

Internet. I JUST WANT TO SEE THE SNL SKIT OF THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF DISNEY!!!! It’s super frustrating that no American sites work outside the States. But rest assured they are all working on becoming available in my area. Good to know Hulu, NBC, ABC, some things on YouTube, and Pandora. Check mate my ass.

PS i’d kill for some Smoothie King and a Redbox.

Baguette Me.

20 Feb

I never thought I was a picky eater.

Until I left the country.

I’m not sure how those people who only eat chicken nuggets, peanut butter and jelly, and macaroni and cheese survive out of the country… or stay thin. Bitches.

In Spain food has morphed from a caloric depression absolver to scavenger hunt. Some days in the grocery store I feel like that kid from Into the Wild and I’m praying to the food gods that this nut won’t kill me … or start eating my organs…. will taste like something a human would eat…and that Eddie Vedder will start singing my soundtrack after I die. The entire food experience has led me to be overjoyed with Golden Grahams and Orbit gum. Both of which I can read the label. The rest is gray area. Thank God for all those college years because my diet now consists of pasta, pizza, and pasta. I alternate my Italian delicacies to keep my taste buds on their toes.

I’ve eaten enough pasta in 5 weeks to kill an Italian.

AND OH MY GOD THE BREAD. (I could write 5 whole posts about the bread.) I’m not sure what those bakers in America are doing… but they are doing it wrong. You can’t get bread like in Europe. And my ass is proof. I think I go through a baguette a day. And when I say bread I don’t mean bread and cheese, or bread and mustard, or even like an actual sandwich. I mean just straight bread. I think about bread. I dream about bread. The bread has changed my life.

I’m going to need bread rehab.

But what’s even worse than my unhealthy bread addiction and lack of cooking skills is once again… the language. Surprisingly… they don’t have English menu’s here. Sssshhhhhhocking. So my poor friends are stuck translating everything (I already have menu anxiety;  you throw in a foreign language and I’m looking around for a paper bag and a corner to go rock myself in.) We have discovered, however… that you can’t translate a menu. And you especially can’t translate types of fish. Even my translator can’t translate.

My very first experience with eating out in Spain involved the death of a pig and a weekend of a salad diet and Jamon (which is really just fancy ham jerky that may or may not be cooked… the jury is still out… but the fat surrounding it definitely isn’t)… which is appropriate for EVERY occasion in the country… from posh CD release parties to pig killings. It’s like the Reese’s Peanut Butter cup of the States. My second experience was pig ears. They look like wontons and taste like fried oil flavor. you should try it sometime… at your own risk. My third experience was cow tail. I’m eating what I thought was really fatty stew with a ridiculous amount of bones in it when my friend let me in on the secret…. I could have gone my whole life…. and then some…. not knowing I was eating a tail. After I decided I wasn’t going to pass out or that I was food poisoned, I figured out the word for tail and have made a mental note to cross it off as a menu option.

I’m thinking I’ll just label baguette my “manna” and see how long before my hair starts to fall out or I die of anemia. Bets anyone?

Gifts 8, 9 & 10. Done.

20 Dec

All of you who haven’t gotten your gifts for this Sunday are… procrastinating slackers. So here are three ideas to save your holly jolly asses.

8 ) If all else fails call Victoria.

One can never go wrong with Victoria’s secret. I used to think this place was ridiculous… Until I tried on their seamless hiphugger undies… Now I am ready to move in and pay rent.

It doesn’t matter who you are buying for… from their pajamas, to scents, to lingerie, to gift cards… Just say yes. But definitely try out the hiphuggers and prepare to fall in love.

9) Go green.

Scentsy makes purfume. And they are solid. And they are Paraben-free. And they are Sulphate-free. And they are Phthalate-free. And they are Benzene-free. And they are Silicone-free. And they are GMO-free. And they are Propylene glycol-free. And they are Dye-free (no added colorants). Could anything get any free-er?? Maybe your spending budget.

Added bonus, they are never tested on animals.

Anything that smells awesome and can get through an airport is fine by me!

10) Finally, remember the starving children in Africa.

If all else fails and gifts are not an option in these trying times remember to be thankful for what you have.

 I was watching America’s Funniest Home Videos: Christmas Edition. Classic. But surprisingly it wasn’t so funny after all when I was soon appalled by all the children’s temper tantrums when they did not get what they wanted… I think I was most appalled because at one point (or last weekend) that was me.

It is hard to realize how fortunate our lives are when we get our head stuck in the sand of trivial “issues.” How are we raising our evil spawn if they can’t even look around and realize how good they have it? There are many more problems with this society than “no change” and shoeless robbers. The whole thought process on needs and wants and being thankful and opening our eyes to others’ realities needs to be re- imagined.

Try to remember what the season is truly about… love and being around those we care about… not what brand of play-dough you received or how many sparkles your new phone cover doesn’t have.

It’s the fact that we are alive, we have enough to eat, we have a warm place to stay, and they ability to follow our dreams and never give up on finding passion and life in…life.

You will be offended if you are Vegan. Look away.

5 Dec

What is up with the vegan/vegetarian population creating vegan meat options?? Hold on a second… go ahead and think about it……………………………………………………………………………….

………………………………………………………………..thinking……………………………………..

……..little more……………………………………………………………………………………………….

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

*facepalm

My concept of “vegan” is you jumped on the bandwagon and decided meat is NOT ok and you don’t agree with whatever about meat you don’t agree with. Which I’m totally cool with a person believing in whatever they want whether it be Barbie, Flash Dancing as a legitimate career, cake for breakfast, OR not eating certain things… but stop stealing the meat ideas! Stick to your nuts and dirt like a true conviction-ed victim.

If you are vegan/vegetarian, isn’t the whole point… that you don’t eat meat?? Not that you are ok with eating scientist created versions of meatballs and chicken patties… that are most likely going to provide a more direct path to cancerville… which leads me to a much more disturbing questions of WHAT exactly is vegan meat made out of??

 That was rhetorical…  I’m scared to ask. DON’T TELL ME.

Vegan meat sounds like something little girls would create in their easy bake ovens while pretending they are Martha Stewart (or Julia Child in “my all things PBS” inspired beginnings life) and all mom has in the cupboard that she will allow you to destroy is rice, cardboard, broken crayola’s with the paper still on, and craft glue. 

Does the interpretation of meat make you feel like you’re artistic?? It’s like saying well I don’t eat fruit, but I eat Runts. No. No. No. Let’s pick a side shall we. If you are against meat then leave it alone and don’t pretend. 

And if you aren’t vegan/vegetarian then welcome, the deliciousness iron  is waiting for you. You can’t be a wolf dressed in sheep’s clothing. That’s  hypocritical dishonest.

And let’s face it… vegan anything tastes a 100% worse than the real alternative. Yeah, I have tried vegan things…against my will… they remind me of the dried roly poly’s I ate when I was a child… or what I imagine Goldmember’s skin to taste like in the 3rd installment of Austin Powers.

Pumpkin Whaaaat?!?!

8 Nov

Ummm WHY didn’t I know these existed?!?! I’m sure they have been around since the 90’s and I just haven’t been paying attention… or as usual my DeLorean must have taken a wrong right turn and missed the day these were created. Damn car.

Talk about heaven in your mouth… I can only imagine.

I LOVE pumpkin!! And I love miniature/bite-sized anything (easier to lose track of how much you have eaten… amirite?)  Those two things = Hershey’s Pumpkin Spice Kisses.

I have 8 more hours until I am off work and can reward my ass mouth with these little genius drops of delight.

Happy Pumpkin Season… may it never end.

New News.

4 Oct

I'm guessing she might be down with moving to Mexico.

So I woke up this morning to the news that Mexico is enforcing a two year marriage law and Denmark is charging more tax for foods with high fat content in grocery stores.

Ok. Go!

1) A two year marriage law?? Apparently after two years of marriage if you decide that maybe you made a bad decision and would like a do-over, guess what you can! If you move to Mexico…

Hold on one second. Isn’t that what dating is for?!?!? You date someone for two years or 4 years or ten minutes, move in together most likely and then decide you would like to black out your latest decision and start living your life as a Wilson Phillips soundtrack and that 24/7 sock action or dangerously high amounts of PMS is not for you. Ta-da! You break up and go your separate ways. Duh.

And.

2) Yesss!!! Please tax higher fat content foods. As a poor person I cannot afford healthy snacks. Fruits and vegetables are not on the menu unless they are frozen and on special. My only problem is that this law… is in Denmark. I have been to Denmark and I didn’t see a lot of fat people. I think the fat content is under control there. I want this brought to the fat capital of the world. The good Ol’ U.S. of A. Specifically the middle part. Because let’s face it. There ARE fat people here. It would be like shooting fish in a barrel. And the fitter the fish the greater the chances of dodging the bullets… right?? We need more fit and active and healthy Americans. It’s a sad, sad epidemic. Plus, cigarettes are taxed to stop people from smoking, right?? I feel that fat is equally as dangerous and just as much of a concern, especially in your local Applebee’s or KFC between the hours of 5 & 8 pm.

I also feel like this law may have a negative impact on McDonald’s and their $1 menu which I am all for.

The Times They Are A-Changin’

25 Jul

I dunno if it’s the older I get and the more my eyes are opened or whether the world is taking a nosedive to Armageddon… but the more shootings, and natural disasters, and Osama Bin Laden’s, and debt crisis’, and the constant flow of rejection letters from jobs, I can’t help but have the sudden and fierce urge to just walk away from it all. Like go live in a tree and become the female version of Bear Grills with a guitar and a harmonica.

Aren’t all these things in this world that have been created to build society sort of rediculous to an exent? Why do we need Ipods and mansions and flat screen tv’s and Mercedes?? What is it doing for us? Just look what success did to Amy Winehouse. How eerie is it that we all just sat back and watched her demise?

We aren’t going to die with these material things… we will just be judged by our peers leading up to our death… but it won’t matter. 

My mom and I have been gardening (basically her though… my green thumb is more yellowish) and she has (psycho) chickens (I swear everytime I come home they are lined up, ready to stare me down), but these things are basic and they are really good. Fresh tomatoes and eggs just give the emotion that perhaps you are helping out the world in your own small way. That perhaps NOT supporting all those big buinesses that are trying to kill us with their 99% corn based fast food products is really a way to make a difference in some small way. (Maybe I’ve been watching Food Inc. too much)

But it just seems all so sad as the polar bears and penguins in the Arctic suffer and people feel compelled to go on shooting sprees in Norway, and terrorism abounds. What happened to the love and support of people and even strangers that can bring about a change big enough to MAKE a change stick? The creating a new way of thought.

The tornadoes in Joplin and the banding together of heaps of people that weren’t even directly affected by such a scary thing really were a testimony to the positive character of people that still exists and gives hope for the future. But we need more of that to outweigh the devastation that is all around us. It seems so exhausting as time goes on.

Hopefully for humanity and the planet, soon the “The times they are a-changin” for the better, or I’m going to be in the market for my first treehouse and hippie skirt.

Wedding Woes and No No’s

8 Jun

So I’ve been going to weddings recently… because I’m at that age… and ’tis the season… and I don’t know if it’s because here in the midwest people are confused or if it is a general problem worldwide, but there are some things NOT to wear and NOT to do when attending weddings. Contrary to popular belief that anything goes… if the happy couple (or their mommy and daddy) are going to fork out an arm and a leg to feed you, entertain you, and (hopefully) get you drunk then for the love of GOD! please dress and act appropriately.

Rule One: NO JEANS- If you wear jeans to a wedding, I think there should be a rule like St. Patrick’s day and the color green that in the jeans case anyone and everyone can slap you across the face as hard as they possibly can… hopefully knocking those jeans off you or driving you out of the presence of the wedding. Dumbass. I kinda feel this way about church too. It’s a nice occasion put forth a little effort. It won’t kill anyone.

Rule Two: DO NOT WEAR WHITE- WTF are people doing wearing white to a wedding. This is a no-brainer… I thought… Here’s a tip: Go black. Everyone has black and it is the new chic color for weddings. I don’t care if it’s after Memorial Day and before Labor day, that’s a stupid rule anyways that I don’t suggest following, but it’s the bride’s one day (depending on her personal divorce rate) leave her be alone in white. I might impose the slapping rule for this as well.

Rule Three: NO TENNIS SHOES- There are no words. And don’t give me the “cool Converse” excuse either. Just say NO.

Rule Four: DO NOT MAKE AN OUTFIT CHANGE INTO SOMETHING MORE COMFORTABLE- I don’t care how loose you want to get on the dance floor. Casual clothes aren’t acceptable at the reception either! Suck it up.

Rule Five: DO NOT SKIP THE CEREMONY- How tacky can a person be?? I don’t care how “late” you are running. There is no excuse for not being punctual for anything much less something you have known about and RSVP’d at least a month ago… invest in a calendar or join the 21st century and get a smart phone with an alarm and set it an extra hour early if you can’t get your business together.

Rule Six: DON’T BLACK OUT- When there is alcohol involved the last thing your hosts want is you face planting in the cake, trying to make out with grandma, or giving them a strip tease. Keep it classy people.

Happy Wedding season!

Perhaps these rules do not apply here...

Behold the Breakfast of Champions: OAT Revolution!

2 May

I have had a love/hate relationship (more hate)  with instant oatmeal since before the days I had permanent teeth.

Instant oatmeal is a wonderful concept, but I could never get over how those little packets of promise were a big let down after you added water and artificial cooking, turning a hopeful bowl of goodness into a consistency more appropriate for your next wall paper/ papier-mache project than your stomach.

But those days are long gone!

Thanks to OAT Revolution (Malt-O-Meal’s take on the instant classic), instant oatmeal has been turned upside down and  the days of breakfast boredom and blase are no more. This instant oatmeal is SOOOO delicious and even comes in a cute cabinet ready carton as well as offering packaging that doubles as a perfect water measurer (take the bonuses where you can get ’em). My world is complete!

I like to add milk and fresh fruit to my oatmeal, but it’s totally up to the individual oatmeal connoisseur. My favorite flavors by the brand are strawberry and cinnamon roll, but others include apples and cinnamon, peach (which is for sure to be my next conquest), and maple and brown sugar.

Thanks to  OAT Revolution there is no more paste in the breakfast world, but a revolution in your mouth! Grab a spoon and start your day in a much more pleasant way.

Long live instant oatmeal!!

Magnum Gold

26 Apr

Magnum Coffee

If you haven’t had Magnum then you haven’t been living. Magnum ice cream that is.

This ice cream is solid gold (and yes you may be thinking isn’t that a condom brand?? and you are right!). Except this Magnum is orgasmic… for your taste buds… and finally in the states! Rachel Bilson is in the new ad for the ice cream’s launch in America and get excited! She makes it hot and the ice cream will cool you down. 😉

This literally is the BEST stuff out there and I always wished I could get it across the pond and now we can… just in time for summer! My favorite is the white chocolate or the Magnum Gold. They may not have made it here yet, but hopefully they will be coming to America Eddie Murphy style. It seems as though only the Classic Magnum is available currently (I know bummer, but support the brand and hopefully we will get all the delicious flavors) and you can purchase it at Wal-Mart… Does it get any better?

Oh wait, yeah it does.

The advertisements starring Bilson are part of a series directed by … you’ll never guess… Karl Lagerfeld!!

Ice cream has never been so fashionable… and sassy!

My day is made. The end.

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