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Hairy situation.

21 Jun

When did wearing fake hair for the freaking fun of it become acceptable in our society??

Perhaps it was when Jessica Simpson started taking over the world with idiocracy… In case you don’t remember those good ol’ days… it was back when she had her FABULOUUUSSSS  ken-doll -look –alike- with- a- someone- make- it- go- away- NOW!- soul- patch- hairdresser to back her up… and speak for her, thank God for that. Amiright?

It’s rare these days to not see a chick with someone else’s hair on their head playing it cool like “Yeah, I like grew this myself, duhhhhh. Hahahahaha. Hahahahaha. Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful.”

It’s gross… and unnatural … and a little bit scary… and I just think it’s a waste for the cancer patients and drag queens that REALLY need that shit.

Plus, I think it’s a liiiiiiieeee.

You meet someone with a cute pixie cut and BAM! the next day they show up with 6 ft Rapunzel hair that looks similar to a well planned mullet or Britney Spears BEFORE she shaved her head (yeah, that statement made me feel REAL old) and bingo! She’s a whole new girl!

No thank you.

I like to be upfront in the beginning with all things including my disdain for douchebags and my ability to sorta grow my hair with the help of 8 hour long prayer sessions, crossing my fingers, and consuming cases of Biotin. As well as ensuring that what is on my head will NOT be on the floor if pulled too tight, caught in an elevator, or ravaged in a brutal girl brawl.

And the upkeep!! I’ve seen girls wash them, brush the things, and hang them out to dry like they just shaved Barbie’s head and are planning a secret burning ritual for little girls everywhere.

And sleeping on them… after a long night the next morning is like waking up to cousin IT’s murder crime scene.

To make matters worse things are being injected into hair as well, like feathers…and beads… and shame. Booo.

Additionally if your child can’t walk… leave their heads alone!! Noone should be forced to look slutty before they are able to run away from the craziness!

Save the children.

Ok I’ll stop bitching. But the point I was trying to make 400 words ago is that: real is better, it’s ok to have hair shorter than your ass, and call me old fashion, but maybe less CAN be more…

Maybe? Maybe maybe maybe? 😉

 

Edwards Scissorhands and an 80’s band.

21 Mar

Feeling a bit frisky this week I decided to take my chances and go to the hair salon… in a foreign country. It’s a first and I was feeling …adventurous. Also, the Mtn. Dew Yellow color that had taken residence on my head coupled with the shadow of a Jewish Kippah was screaming “Don’t take me in public!!” So I gave in.

Enter Oscar.

His combat boots, super chic mohawk, and little bit of hair related English made me feel in good hands.

Then he passed me off to Edward Scissorhands.

There’s nothing quite like watching your hair being chopped off at rapid speeds and having to watch it in tense anxiety waiting for the deeply desired moment it will stop and you can breathe again. It’s like watching someone being pinched to death by a cage filled of lobsters and not having any boiling water and butter to come to the rescue.

WHY do salon’s have mirrors so you can watch? A) It’s never gonna make you feel good to watch the mutilation of your wet, hard-earned follicles flying through the air and hitting the floor never to be glued back on again. And B) You ALWAYS wish you could freshen up your makeup ASAP to help the  ultra-lighted grotesqueness you are being forced to watch.

Also, I now understand why hair stylists talk so much. It used to annoy me, but I will really appreciate the constant jabber from henceforth. When there is a language barrier the deafening silence makes the funeral for your locks a much more cringe worthy experience. You need someone there to bullshit you through the pain. AND make you trust that the finale is going to be fantastic and all the boys will love you and all the girls will hate you.

Edward did not instill any of these whilst she masterfully crafted… my mullet.

During my torture I luckily looked to the left and realized the lesbians’ shaved head and landing strip on her scalp next to me was ALWAYS going to be worse than what was happening on my own globe. However, if I would have known we were getting serious, I would have donated the shit to Locks of Love and then had something to write on my sign I’m going to wear for the next 6 months explaining my “situation” until it all evens out.

Surprisingly, it was only 37 euros. So it was cheap torture, and to be fair I can’t blame Edward for not magically making me look like Carrie Underwood in the picture I brought. They can’t do that in America either.

I’m just gonna need to lose 20 lbs, get a tan, and stock up on multi seasonal hats to go with my new do.

PS Carrie… you pull off a mullet magically… what’s your secret??

I need to brush up on the old tambourine and join an 80’s band stat.

Girly Gift #7: Colorful Christmas

16 Dec

I’m feeling girly again… watch out!

With hair trends being long, and my hair being long, I get really excited when things get ‘colorful.’ Especially since I have had the same hair style for… the last decade.

Katy Perry is paving the way with bursts of color for the head and I am ready to join in on the fun (I can’t decide if my openness with color is because I’m hanging around more “sparkly” girly-girls or this scrooge-ess is emerging out of her all black closet… either way I’m temporarily TEMPORARILY going with it)

You can get the hair coloring done through oil pastels… but that sounds a little messy for my OCD lifestyle. So I found a great alternative. It’s called Color Bug and it appears to be the mess-free way to get your pink, purple and orange on.

Can you say stocking stuffer??

It’s made by Kevin Murphy out of Australia. You can’t get it on his website, but if you go there you can find salons around your area that carry the stuff.

$25 for a temporary good time (I have commitment issues)… I’m down.

Anyone wanna loan me $25? 😉

FYI 9 days until Christmas!! Like you didn’t know… 😉

I wish I may, I wish I might.

18 Oct

Bitches

I broke down the other day and went against my hatred for Mandy Moore, singing in movies, and relating to little kids, and watched Tangled.

And the moral of the story is…

DON’T DO IT.

It was like a time machine that reverted me back to age of 5 where my biggest problem was how to break my addiction to eating insects (mmmm protein) and what color eyeshadow to put on my brother next. By the end of it I was sobbing. And found myself considering dropping everything in this so-called “reality” and start holding out for perfect long golden hair, a world without a need for shoes, a furry best friend who could talk back to me, and a prince charming that looks more like Ryan Gosling and less like Prince William. It worked for Rapunzel, Cinderella, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty (I would pick her if I could be any… the girl looks REST-TED!), Jasmine, Pocahontas… the list goes on and on…so, why can’t it be me??

As young girls we SERIOUSLY believe these things can happen. Hello tragedy. It is taught at a young age… by a man no less (he goes by the name Disney. Walt Disney.)… that these things are not only possible, but can and should be expected. Ok, you hate your life, so you sit there and hope something awesome and magical will happen simultaneously with the birds chirping and the wind blowing through your dishwater blonde hair… or perhaps that dead opossum your mom just hit with her 1985 Lumina will magically spring back to life and join you in your favorite duet and dance off, taking your mind off the crap that has sent you to this hopeful/desperate place to begin with. This is not so. And at 26, reverting back to the desire of what once was real, sent me into an emotional tailspin.

And made me realize…

How can we be doing this to young girls?!? What an ultimate set-up.

One of my friends was discussing that she wants to write children’s books that go against these concepts that discuss the reality of relationships, hair… and forest creatures. And I am all for this concept. I’m not a feminist , but I believe in the conviction to be able to take care of yourself to an extent that dreams can come true and that those dreams are full of passion and compassion. 

There needs to be more reality in a world where most things are not perfect…EVER. Providing girls with the tools to support themselves, be independent, and think in a sincere and firm fashion is what I would want for my daughters. (As well as knowing two languages and have the skills to cook things that don’t come from a box.)

A man is not a necessity, a good head of hair is pure luck, and talking critters is… something the scientists had better be working on.

Fashion Week Spring 2012 Recap

19 Sep

So NYC Fashion week for spring 2012 is officially over… Kleenex anyone? 

There are some main ideas that came out of the fashion filled week with over 300 shows. Here are some highlights that stood out to me that should be considered in the upcoming months…hard to think that spring will be here before we know it! 🙂

1) Ponytails-  were EVERYWHERE. Low to high. Forget fixing your hair in the morning, instead opt to pull it back and get creative.

Marchesa

2) Peplum- Many fabrics were silky and flowy with  a lot of movement however there was much structure especially in the form of peplum. Helllllooooo 80’s, you are obviously here to stay.

Jason Wu

3) T-shirt gowns- Long and casual was the way to go with this classic and simple style.

4) Lower hemlines-  The lower hemline is sticking around for quite a while. Pleats are a forward style for this trend.

5) Crazy Color and Fun Floral- Color blocking is everywhere. The brighter the better. Even neon made a statement on the runways. Floral is also still here, but less romantic and going for a more graphic/ artistic look and moving from dreses to everywhere else, including pants.

Alexander Wang

Proenza Schouler

6) The perfect pant- The skinny pant is not going anywhere but slouchy is also an alternative to the “suck it in” style… for those “water weight” days.

Theyskens Theory

Pleasantville Pretty

29 Aug

It's like America's Next Top Barbie.

I’m on a specific quest and am taking suggestions… suggestions on how to reach my goal of “appearing” put together at all times. I’m not talking perfection like “I’m a Barbie Girl, In a Barbie World”… I would just settle for the idea that I do own a brush, understand how to use makeup, and occasionally acknowledge the use of an iron.

You know those people who are always put together perfectly? Like they’ve been photoshopped since birth and their lives must be like Pleasantville everyday with perfect skin, pressed clothes, and each hair in place…and they seem to move like they are floating or on some sort of moving walkway with a permanent hair blowing fan and camera ready lights. That’s my goal. Unfortunately, if you go to this Pleasantville place and then you look over the fence, there you’ll find me. I dunno if the grass is greener, but it’s definitely more disheveled… And it most likely needs a mowing.

Is this sort of flawless presence something you are born with? It doesn’t matter how long I spend trying to put myself together or to what lengths I’ve gone to reach unattainable perfection… In about 5 minutes I will look like I’ve been hit by truck, found myself in a windstorm, and just rolled out of bed all simultaneously, with at LEAST one stain, a new pimple, and a crimp in my hair that magically came out of nowhere to show for it. It’s like Bridget Jones, but in reality the movie never ends.

Several of my friends have this skill to look terrific at all times no matter what…even after a real windstorm! (Irene would have nothing on them). I wish they had a class for this type of thing because I would pay tuition and take notes furiously…or maybe they did and I missed it while I was too busy trying to get that crimp out of my hair and the coffee out of my shirt.

Goodbye K. Stew. Hello T. Palm?

25 Aug

I have solved the problem. If you hate Kristen Stewart raise your hand…. If you agree (which should be everyone!), listen up.

FYI (sssshhhocking 😉 )I hate Kristen Stewart something about her weird breathing, 24/7 bedroom hair that she flips around and flings in her face, and constant look of marijuana induced high eyes paired with the inability to smile that just rub me the wrong way. Not to mention anytime she talks it’s pretentious and way in depth regarding her “craft” …her love of the “craft” …that must be why she’s a bitch?? Whatever.

BUT good news! I found her doppleganger (but blonde) and she seems slightly WAY cooler. Helloooo Teresa Palmer. You may remember her from Take Me Home Tonight, starring Topher Grace, Anna Faris, and Chris Pratt (the hilarious dude from Parks and Rec as well as Faris’ real life husband). Anyways, this Teresa chick is way cuter and seems a little more… lively.

It’s not too late Twilight and Robert Pattinson!

Take Me Home Tonight Trailer

“Rapunzel Let Down Your Hair”

1 Aug

I have always had trouble getting my hair to grow past a certain length… I’m sure this is (shockingly) due to excessive coloring, multiple use of heat infused products, and just a general lack of care for it. I also incessantly bite my nails (if only I would have listened when I was 7 and my mother warned I wouldn’t be able to stop later…she was right… damn her wisdom).

However, many of my friends have similar problems and I have a solution that surprisingly many haven’t known about. It’s called Biotin and it is the active ingredient in pre-natal vitamins that helps nails and hair grow. I personally thank God everyday for not being pregnant, and don’t see any reason to include anything pre-natal into my very purposefully non- natal life, thus making Biotin the perfect solution.   

You can get Biotin anywhere. It’s cheapest at Wal-Mart… but death to Wal-Mart. Instead try your local drugstore or grocery… Biotin isn’t really expensive anywhere.

AND the best part is… you can’t over dose on it… trust me I have tried. Also, you can take as much as you want as many times of the day as you want, and the longer you take it, the more it builds up in your system, and the more results you will see. And the results are noticable.

Soon, a little dedication coupled with copious amounts of Biotin, you’ll be the next Rapunzel of the 21st century, finding yourself “Tangled” in the compliments. 😉 You’re welcome.

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