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I Hope You Brought Your Gloves

13 Feb

As Valentine’s Day is looming over our heads like a neon pink light of fury pointing cupid’s arrow to romantic cliched dooms-ville, when is the time to cut your losses and follow that light to the nearest bar… or decide to continue to fight for a love that may not exist except in Hallmark cards and on disgusting heart shaped candy messages?

Fights in relationships are a very common thing. So THEY say. (Yeah, I don’t know who “they” is either.) But when is fighting becoming less productive and more seductive? Is it the arguing that’s keeping the relationship exciting in a downhill crash and burn type motion… or is it really improving your communication and the nature of your relationship?

Should fighting be considered a normal sequence of events? And when should that sequence start? 2 minutes in? 2 months in? 2 years in? 2 decades in? 2 fifths of vodka in?

Is fighting a sign that you love each other and are working on the relationship… or perhaps is it a sign that this just isn’t working… and someone should be the bigger person, ultimately giving up the good fight?

Taking bets now.

AND should we put the gloves aside until February 14th is over for the sanctity of it? (Hahahahahahaha  No, that was a rhetorical question. How about we just realize it’s a day set aside for stress to come knocking on your door to present you with higher than achievable expectations.)

Happy Valentine’s Die Hard Day Bitches.

You want me to put that needle where?

19 Jun

When did plastic surgery become a thing that people to the right of California would have to worry about?

 I don’t feel that old… yet… but amongst my friends, I think I was the only one shocked when a botox birthday party came on the menu??

Hold on one second. At near…. Ahhhheeemmmm 27….. I just bought my first bout of anti-wrinkle cream … and use it like I’m a tender 45-year -old –Bravo-housewife burn victim.

And yes, I’m comfortable with that.

I was sure I had at least a decade until needles and Meg Ryan dreams were involved in my daily routine.

I don’t do needles… hence why I don’t have tattoos or attempt to save lives by giving blood and plasma (know, I know… I would really just be doing it for the $$… you caught me).  I was hoping for at least another two decades for some Mark Zuckerburg-type to invent a permanent 21-year-old hologram to go parading around in my place once I found that hill everyone is talking about … and trip over it.

Plus, when did it become fun to have a birthday party where everyone gets stabbed on purpose?? I think I would rather join the cast of Saw 56 and just be pushed into a vat of syringes.

Is there a certain age that women can look to start maintaining their beauty? Have we all lost our minds and are wrinkles before the age of 30 “white girl problem” #6,000,005.3?

 Or is there really something graceful about taking age as it is… finding ourselves caking on the makeup and dying from over face hydration and whatever cancer is in anti-wrinkle cream and homemade face masks made of mayonnaise and foot smell…

…or possibly the answer is just committing suicide when the first crow’s feet pop up to say good morning.

Invitations for my debut botox party are already in the mail.  

Gifts 8, 9 & 10. Done.

20 Dec

All of you who haven’t gotten your gifts for this Sunday are… procrastinating slackers. So here are three ideas to save your holly jolly asses.

8 ) If all else fails call Victoria.

One can never go wrong with Victoria’s secret. I used to think this place was ridiculous… Until I tried on their seamless hiphugger undies… Now I am ready to move in and pay rent.

It doesn’t matter who you are buying for… from their pajamas, to scents, to lingerie, to gift cards… Just say yes. But definitely try out the hiphuggers and prepare to fall in love.

9) Go green.

Scentsy makes purfume. And they are solid. And they are Paraben-free. And they are Sulphate-free. And they are Phthalate-free. And they are Benzene-free. And they are Silicone-free. And they are GMO-free. And they are Propylene glycol-free. And they are Dye-free (no added colorants). Could anything get any free-er?? Maybe your spending budget.

Added bonus, they are never tested on animals.

Anything that smells awesome and can get through an airport is fine by me!

10) Finally, remember the starving children in Africa.

If all else fails and gifts are not an option in these trying times remember to be thankful for what you have.

 I was watching America’s Funniest Home Videos: Christmas Edition. Classic. But surprisingly it wasn’t so funny after all when I was soon appalled by all the children’s temper tantrums when they did not get what they wanted… I think I was most appalled because at one point (or last weekend) that was me.

It is hard to realize how fortunate our lives are when we get our head stuck in the sand of trivial “issues.” How are we raising our evil spawn if they can’t even look around and realize how good they have it? There are many more problems with this society than “no change” and shoeless robbers. The whole thought process on needs and wants and being thankful and opening our eyes to others’ realities needs to be re- imagined.

Try to remember what the season is truly about… love and being around those we care about… not what brand of play-dough you received or how many sparkles your new phone cover doesn’t have.

It’s the fact that we are alive, we have enough to eat, we have a warm place to stay, and they ability to follow our dreams and never give up on finding passion and life in…life.

I hate you Tracy Anderson.

15 Dec

I think the only thing I hate more than exercising, is people who say they LIKE exercising.

I know that is a lie. EVERYONE would rather sit their ass on the couch and eat a pint of Ben & Jerry’s… if afore-mentioned ass would promise to stay in the same spot until the day they die. Don’t lie.

Exercise enthusiasts who talk about how “fun” working out is and how they “can’t wait” to go to the gym bring about a sort of violence inside that makes me want to punch them in the face… three times… unexpectedly.

In the last few years the term “gravity” has taken on new meaning and I have tried my best to look away. However, it’s getting more clever with its prescence and I’m starting to become both nauseas and suicidal when I look in the mirror, dress, or cross my legs. Soooooo I went searching for something.

After half-hearted bouts on the treadmill and convincing myself that every piece of chocolate I eat CAN be zeroed out with 5-10 jumping jacks… and being bored out of my mind with this thing they call “yoga” I was determined to give up and start looking for my first cat.

BUT thankfully in my darkest hour I found the greatest woman alive and I would like to pick up an application to be her best friend.

Tracy Anderson.

She is Gwyneth Paltrow’s trainer… and anyone who says they wouldn’t want to look like her is a liar, too. Maybe, all three of us can be best friends?? Please say yes. I’ll be waiting for your rejection acceptance letter (think positive, think positive) to put in my ginormous pile of acceptance letters that I get everyday… 😉

After obtaining Tracy’s workout videos… watching a quick run through of them while sitting on the couch and eating Ben & Jerry’s… I decided I could POSSIBLY do that.

And I can! And I did. And I like it! Whaaaaaaa…. the world is definitely ending soon.

The mat video is my favorite. Not only is Tracy pretty to look at, she doesn’t talk a lot (which is BIG in my book), you don’t need a lot of fancy equipment, you can watch TV simultaneously, and it hurts like hell.

I hate her, but I really love her… and so does my ass… because it has decided to fit in those “skinny” jeans I was planning a burning service for and move up a couple of levels to join the rest of the world.

The cardio video is another story… it initially made me want to cry and call my old best friends B & J, but I persevered and realized I am not a dancer, never will be, and just imitating her is WAYYYY less frustrating than pretending I know what this thing called “choreography” is and that it should be a part of my uncoordinated existence. It shouldn’t.

Either way! Everyone should try Tracy’s videos out (be a hella of a Christmas gift)… and be impressed with the transformation… and thank me later.

Baby it’s cold outside, but my coffee is hot, Hot, HOT.

14 Dec

 Pinterest I found the coolest thing ever… dudes listen up too.

Who hates cold coffee?

Everyone.

These little knick knacks lower your coffee heat to an appropriate temperature… that doesn’t scald your lips off while simultaneously putting your tongue out of commission for 2-20ish days… but they also keep your beverage warm and stable at the correct and pleasant temperature; keeping both lips and tongue in the desired condition… attached.

Yes please.

These little magic beans are called Coffe Joulies and they keep your coffee at the proper temperature for five hours, they last a lifetime, they can be used in any kind of beverage including hot chocolate and tea, and right now you can get 20% off of 5/$50. In my world $50 is a whole week of I’m broke as hell funds life budgeting, so you have to weigh the importance of your coffee experience with your wallet.

Where do you sign up??

HERE.

Holy Grail # 4: Magneto’s in da house

12 Dec

I must be feeling girly again… I hadn’t ever heard of this stuff, but I paint my nails more often than I sneeze and am always looking for new ways to change it. Nails are like a wardrobe update that doesn’t cost very much, is easy to coordinate, and is way less permanent than a same as everybody else tattoo.

Thanks to Pinterest and my free workdays evenings, I have discovered the BEST way to get creative and still have nice/unique looking nails.

It’s magnetic nail polish by Nails Inc. London and how it works is you paint your nails like normal and before it dries you run the magnet (included on the bottle) over your nails to create a design. Can you say genius?? And good for ALL ages?? Who WOULDN’T want this, honestly??

 

You can get it at Sephora for $16 or a pack of 3 for $30.

1/2 price for what?!? I’ll take 86.

9 Nov

He's as impressed as you are.

With the downturn of the economy and people pinching their hard-earned pennies… if they are fortunate to have a job that will let them earn them… the looming holidays are more looming and less holiday for some of us more than usual.

However, have no fear, I have a solution if… if someone would freaking listen to me.

There are so many Groupon and Living Social type services out there… so many that my spam account cup runneth over… at least one account in my life runneth over… amirite?? 

Now, I have bought a few things off these sites and think they are really awesome… most of the time. “No, thank you… I’ll jump off a building pass on that 3 session hand knit scarfing class”… but the real problem is, if you ever wanted to give one as a gift… can you spell T-A-C-K-Y??

They are always print-out coupons, in black and white most likely (GET EXCITED! 2011!!) with the value and then how much you actually spent on them. It’s like secretly shopping in the clearance section, scouring the item for hidden price tags, sharpie-ing out every possible smudge of a number on the item, and then having the nearest two-year-old rat you out and inform the entire room that it’s not called cheap it’s called “frugal.” Damn kids, getcha everytime.

So “Groupon,” “Living Social,” “Half Price Deals,” and the red-hot, up and coming “I’ll trade you my left pinky finger for that 50% off massage and spa package”… I think you would make a lot more money if you would offer your deals with the “gift” option which includes a little more discretion in the printing packaging… or hell throw in a Christmas inspired coupon gift card with an envelope and a pretty sticker and your success is sealed.

I would shop there.

(And as of 11/18/11 I now realize this IS possible and indeed reality. Behind on the news again! *facepalm)

Pumpkin Whaaaat?!?!

8 Nov

Ummm WHY didn’t I know these existed?!?! I’m sure they have been around since the 90’s and I just haven’t been paying attention… or as usual my DeLorean must have taken a wrong right turn and missed the day these were created. Damn car.

Talk about heaven in your mouth… I can only imagine.

I LOVE pumpkin!! And I love miniature/bite-sized anything (easier to lose track of how much you have eaten… amirite?)  Those two things = Hershey’s Pumpkin Spice Kisses.

I have 8 more hours until I am off work and can reward my ass mouth with these little genius drops of delight.

Happy Pumpkin Season… may it never end.

Best Halloween EVER!

12 Oct

So this year Halloween is going to be extra special!! I feel like a ten-year old ready to break out the pillowcase and start my endless collection of chocolate and sugar rushes. Not because I am going to attempt to outdo my freaking AWESOME shark costume (that I MADE, That’s right just call me Martha from now on.) from last year. But because Johnny Depp and Hunter S. Thompson will be directly involved in my plans. Yes, it’s true.  I have a date! And I’m considering bringing my costume to the premiere. Holy trifecta of amazing.  

October 28th is definitely going to change my life.

Helllooooo Halloween Weekend. You could not come soon enough.

TRAILER

I Want To Go To There.

20 Jul

At this point in my life I want to go everywhere and can afford to go nowhere, but I still join any sort of travel deal site I can find online. The most unique one I have seen in a while… which is good just to window shop is Jetsetter.com.

Yeah, it’s definitely luxurious but their deals are usually very unique and in the most obscure places. They definitely focus on international excursions so get your passport ready! But they also offer national experiences as well. I don’t know if it’s their picture quality or their breathtaking descriptions that make your travel itch inflame, but in the words of Tina Fey “I [definitely] want to go to there” ASAP!

They are associated with Gilt group (like the best online luxury shopping of all time) but you can sign up specifically through them and get even more emails to dream about during your mundane workday.

Feast your eyes, hide your wallets, and click on Jetsetter!

Today they had the coolest trips to treehouses in Sweden and caves in Cappadocia. Talk about my kind of “nature” experience. Yes please!

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