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Can you see it now?

5 Jul

Apparently when one becomes an adult, things change. Which, PS!!, I wish they had more classes for these things… not just how to use a condom(which that doesn’t seem to have sunk in with a majority of the population), but maybe more tips on how to do taxes, where to buy anti-wrinkle cream that tastes good, and how to budget when watching late night infomercials. Who do I need to write a letter to?!

I have discovered that one of those scintillating changes include acne getting a promoted title… and becoming “adult acne.” hawt.

Adult acne, as many of you know, is super fun!

Not really.

It’s a huge bitch.

I thought acne would stop when my raging hormone driven outbursts and bi-polar tendencies once a month were leveled out by the coming of age trek through college and into hell. AKA “Adult-dom.” 

But those seem to be sticking around too.

So basically, being adult is the same as being a kid you just get to have sex legally and make trips to the DMV for fun. My assumption that once I turned 18… or 21… or 25… or…30??…  my face would miraculously become  the photo shopped- porcelain- envy of all to behold…was apparently  ridiculous!! because I’m still applying anything green to anything red on my face like color wheel math or Christmas day is going to save the “situation” on my new adult version skin.

Think again.

I tried Bare Essentials … and it worked real well… but lucky for us they just discovered it is going to give cancer conveniently to the entire female masses… Which what isn’t amiright? I’m at the cancer stage where it’s not IF I’m gonna get it… it’s WHICH one am I going to get (taking bets now) and let’s hope either the guy who has the secret recipe to curing cancer gets it before me or I get the kind that goes real fast so I can die with my flaw ridden skin intact and bright red.

I also tried a Clarisonic… I really like it… on my patient days… you know those days when 2 minutes doesn’t feel like a year in a Chuckie Cheese at kid happy hour. Both painful.

But THEN my friend invited me to a “makeup” party. Ya know, one of those parties where you wanna go for the free food (and moral support offff coooourse 😉 )but you really don’t want to buy anything and it immediately turns into a see-saw of guilt and being a cheap ass for the whole evening, that you just end up drinking the entire booze section of the free table and go ahead and purchase the entire catalog that is offered… waking up the next day feeling as if you’ve hit rock bottom and promising yourself you’ll get your shit together… soon… and keep it in your wallet.

Well SOMETHING like that happened, but my purchase was not rock bottom… it was a ray of light from the heavens.

It’s called Jordan Essentials and everyone with sensitive skin, hard to deal with skin, or just skin at all needs to try it. (WARNING: If you don’t have skin then this is not for you.)

I got the oatmeal facial bar and am proud to announce I feel like dancing around with an umbrella and pulling my hair back for alllll the world to see.

They have makeup, self tanner, deodorant, lotion… basically EVERYTHING you could EVER want. (Besides anti- depression medication… and triple gallon sized bottles of wine… you have to go elsewhere for that.)

Jordan Essentials products are made with high quality ingredients such as, Shea Butter, Soy, Coconut oil, Dead Sea Salts, Beeswax, and Grapeseed oils. They avoid ingredients such as DEA, isopropyl alcohol, mineral oil, parabens, SLS/SLES and aluminum.

So you’re saying there’s only a 58.999999923451…% of it giving you cancer? Sign me up!!

Here’s the link.

You’re welcome.

You want me to put that needle where?

19 Jun

When did plastic surgery become a thing that people to the right of California would have to worry about?

 I don’t feel that old… yet… but amongst my friends, I think I was the only one shocked when a botox birthday party came on the menu??

Hold on one second. At near…. Ahhhheeemmmm 27….. I just bought my first bout of anti-wrinkle cream … and use it like I’m a tender 45-year -old –Bravo-housewife burn victim.

And yes, I’m comfortable with that.

I was sure I had at least a decade until needles and Meg Ryan dreams were involved in my daily routine.

I don’t do needles… hence why I don’t have tattoos or attempt to save lives by giving blood and plasma (know, I know… I would really just be doing it for the $$… you caught me).  I was hoping for at least another two decades for some Mark Zuckerburg-type to invent a permanent 21-year-old hologram to go parading around in my place once I found that hill everyone is talking about … and trip over it.

Plus, when did it become fun to have a birthday party where everyone gets stabbed on purpose?? I think I would rather join the cast of Saw 56 and just be pushed into a vat of syringes.

Is there a certain age that women can look to start maintaining their beauty? Have we all lost our minds and are wrinkles before the age of 30 “white girl problem” #6,000,005.3?

 Or is there really something graceful about taking age as it is… finding ourselves caking on the makeup and dying from over face hydration and whatever cancer is in anti-wrinkle cream and homemade face masks made of mayonnaise and foot smell…

…or possibly the answer is just committing suicide when the first crow’s feet pop up to say good morning.

Invitations for my debut botox party are already in the mail.  

Put Down the Powder.

24 Jan

When did this outward obsession with material things become so prominent?

Did I just now take my head out of my ass or is the world revolving towards ultra-ego at an ultra rapid pace?

It’s like a spiral into all things self obsessed and stuck-up. Recently while going out with some… we’ll call them  “friends” and taking time to notice  everything that was happening around me, I realized that this ultra chic bar did not provide any kind of chicness at all. Underneath all the pretty lights, suited up bouncers, well dressed guests, and roaring music, was insecurity, greed, self-fulfilling desires, and obsession.

When did it become ok for girls to spend 5 or more minutes self examining their pictures and when did it become normal to take at least three tries to get a perfectly posed photo, and when did carrying makeup and “touching up” become an hourly routine? With the pressure to look perfect, the pressure of Hollywood and its Photoshop magic, the pressure of relationships in a free sex world, and the pressure of the perfect profile facade, when does the outward appearance stop making the entire difference?

Now don’t get me wrong. I am ALL for looking put together, dressing nice, taking care of yourself, and …. I’m especially all for hygiene. I’m not saying let’s all be hippies. I’m just saying I think there needs to be less fake hair, less concern about our looks, less focus on landing money and fame and sex, and more focus on the person we are and finding love… not in a posh club, but perhaps in the real world where things aren’t always perfect and a little flaw can create character, not classlessness.


Holy Grail #3: Curl City

9 Dec

I’m a girl…Surprise!! 😉  So these ideas may or may not be girl driven. Depends on my mood, and where I am in the PMS cycle.

But today I must be feeling very estrogen-y because, Ta-da!, I have found THE eyelash curler to have in the entire universe! Thanks to my girl Katie… shout out.

I don’t usually curl my eyelashes… curlers seem to make them droopier as the day goes on (I’m working on a scientific way to prove this) and I have fairly long lashes to begin with, so no need, plus most curlers I use hurt to curl them and I fear they may rip the lashes out of my eyes and that shit takes 7 years to grow back!! No thank you.

It’s the Japonesque Go-Curl pocket eyelash curler. You can get it on Amazon for $12. (Best $12 I ever spent) You get an extra pad included and they replace your pads for the life of the product.

Trust me after 30 seconds of curl your lashes will be BEYOND sky-high, AND it lasts allllll day! I even washed my face, slept and woke up and my lashes were STILL curly. Additionally, it’s a nice ‘pick me up’ on those “no make up for moi” days. Talk about effective. And I know it works on everyone because a group of us with various lash lengths and types tested it out and it was effective on ALL of us.

Forget mascara that supposed to make your lashes lucious… this curler is all anyone ever needs. Ever.

Life. Changed.

Pleasantville Pretty

29 Aug

It's like America's Next Top Barbie.

I’m on a specific quest and am taking suggestions… suggestions on how to reach my goal of “appearing” put together at all times. I’m not talking perfection like “I’m a Barbie Girl, In a Barbie World”… I would just settle for the idea that I do own a brush, understand how to use makeup, and occasionally acknowledge the use of an iron.

You know those people who are always put together perfectly? Like they’ve been photoshopped since birth and their lives must be like Pleasantville everyday with perfect skin, pressed clothes, and each hair in place…and they seem to move like they are floating or on some sort of moving walkway with a permanent hair blowing fan and camera ready lights. That’s my goal. Unfortunately, if you go to this Pleasantville place and then you look over the fence, there you’ll find me. I dunno if the grass is greener, but it’s definitely more disheveled… And it most likely needs a mowing.

Is this sort of flawless presence something you are born with? It doesn’t matter how long I spend trying to put myself together or to what lengths I’ve gone to reach unattainable perfection… In about 5 minutes I will look like I’ve been hit by truck, found myself in a windstorm, and just rolled out of bed all simultaneously, with at LEAST one stain, a new pimple, and a crimp in my hair that magically came out of nowhere to show for it. It’s like Bridget Jones, but in reality the movie never ends.

Several of my friends have this skill to look terrific at all times no matter what…even after a real windstorm! (Irene would have nothing on them). I wish they had a class for this type of thing because I would pay tuition and take notes furiously…or maybe they did and I missed it while I was too busy trying to get that crimp out of my hair and the coffee out of my shirt.

The Fragility in High Fashion

8 Aug

One of my friends forwarded me this article the other day about VERY young high fashion child models in sometimes suggestive and always very mature advertisements and I have waited to post on it until I decide what I think about it. But I’m pretty torn. The fashion lover/childfree side of me likes a well dressed child with a little style thrown in… (hell just a kid who will stand still is awesome in itself.) Clean and stylish isn’t something you see in your daily rugrat/pains in the asses, kicking and screaming in Target, that one normally encounters with children. I also like the art of it… how the children look very mature, but innocent in the designer clothes. They bring about a new look for a very high-end concept. It’s like high and low shopping in a photograph.

Then reality kicks in and I think “holy crap our society is out of control.” These kids might be worse off than Toddlers and Tiara’s because their reality is a bit more of a reality. Tots + Tiara’s can only go so far and only put on so much blush, eyeliner, tulle, and fake lashes. But high-end models…you start at ten you are a millionaire by 11 1/2 with a solid decade of a career left. Talk about an ego boost through the terrible tweens.  But these girls are so young, and do they know what is being inflicted onto them at such a young age, or is that maturity saved for strictly behind the cameras and a childhood is still existent? I feel like this is very similar to the recent story of Leo the soccer prodigy who just signed on to Real Madrid or Jackie Evancho the 11 year opera star. No matter your age, should skills/talent/beauty be utilized whenever they are presented to the lucky few?

Either way it has to be confusing and, honestly, even after writing about it I still don’t know how I feel. Maybe because I don’t know what it’s like to be a mother or what it’s like to be a ten-year old fashion model on the cover of Vogue. But I know if I had a choice I would pick the latter… however, at the age of 25, the additional 15 years given to come to that conclusion is what’s really important, isn’t it?

Blue Steel Anyone?

30 Jun

Ever since I can remember I have been envious of anyone who has good bone structure. Unfortunately, I was blessed with a squishyish face. However it is in my genes somewhere! My mother is one of the prettiest women I have met and apparently (so I hear) I wasn’t even a twinkle in the universe’s eye  for her glory days pre-childbirth. Aren’t all days glorious pre-children??

Anyways, Ever since I was about 12 I felt like I had excess baby fat weighing down my life and I keep crossing my fingers I’ll pull a Drew Barrymore and lose it in my 30’s… I’ll keep you posted.

Additionally, for much of childhood I was obsessed with Little Women and specifically the character Amy. Which if you aren’t familiar with the movie, Amy was a genius and had the idea to wear clothes pins over her nose in order to shape it to the desirable form. So in my own genius form from about the age 13 to….present…. I decided to obtain my most wanted cheekbones through excess straw usage and fish face making whenever possible. (And trust me I make a mean fish face.)

I don’t know if my cheekbones will ever really make their debut and I’ve completeley given up on a jawbone somewhere in between Ben Stiller’s in Zoolander and Bethenny Frankel’s… but there’s still my 30’s. 😉  

However, if you feel my pain here is the best makeup tip for that chisled cheek look.

1) Use a bronzer that’s two shades darker than your natural skin color.

2) Use a shade of blush that’s flattering to your skin tone but isn’t too much of a contrast to the bronzer.

3) Apply the bronzer: Using an angled blush brush, apply a small amount of  bronzer to the surface of the brush. Starting close to your ear, lightly apply the bronzer to the area underneath your natural cheekbone extending it in the direction of your mouth. Continue to extend the color down until you reach the middle of your cheek, following the natural curve of your cheekbone.

4) Apply blush: Use a separate angled brush to lightly apply blush to the apples of your cheeks. Blend the blush well to avoid any lines.

5) Apply a light coat of loose powder.

*Be aware of day vs. night lighting and lines.

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