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“I Do.” P.S. Are you gay?

7 Nov

Have you ever heard the expression “Where have all the good men gone?”

Well I’ll tell ya where they went.

They went gay.

If you want a guy that cares, is crafty, and dresses like he intended to put that on his body, you gotta start looking over the fence at that other, well-trimmed  grass.

However, if you aren’t willing to undergo a full sex change, what does this mean for a single heterosexual girl??

It means nothing good can come from this.

Have you ever seen that movie Friends With Money? You know the creepy one with Jennifer Aniston who plays a maid and ends up with a fat agoraphopic. (what Paula Deen had BEFORE the diabeetus) WELL anyways, her friend played by Frances McDormand was a HOT MESS… and she was married to a very feminine man who her friends thought was gay and talked shit about their relationship all the time.

WORST FEAR OF ALL TIME!

*Yeah, I know this means I’m narcissistic.

If you play your cards right, one should only be married four to five times… MAX. 😉 But what if you pick wrong and end up sexless and laughed at behind your back your entire life cause your gaydar leaned a little too far to the left and you walked down the aisle to Liza Minnelli instead of pomp and circumstance and you were ecstatic he was just a little metro sexual… or European?

Shit.

There are several plusses, however, if you end up with a gay like… like I’m sure they ‘re good at laundry and helping you decide what to wear and what tile to use for your remodeled bathroom. But in the current generation where sexual preference is something you have to specifically choose to come out of the closet with and not come out straight out of the vagina with your declaration of fabulousness,  how, as single women who appreciate the finer things in life, ensure that we are picking the right penises for our team?

And how do we not have a mental meltdown during the process?

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A Novel Has Lots of Chapters.

9 Aug

We all missed the boat. Dammit.

The older I get… I am after all almost 27… Ancienttttt… The more I view this life as a novel and our roles in it…. especially with love…. as chapters.

As independent females we are seeing a shift in what once was an age of one-marriage-for-life-to-ultimately-death that has been replaced with a focus on careers, “working on ourselves,” living in our parents basements until 30+, and a lack of interest in children and settling down. We no longer live by the mantra that marriage or a life-long partnership is a necessity. It is an option. We can support ourselves and have almost dominated the arena of A-sexuality. Sperm donor anyone? I think our love lives are no longer a one chapter story, but multiple chapters in which the further we get through the chapters the BETTER the story. There is also a greater freedom to control the plot, the guts to say no, and the false notion that there is something known as “better” in the dating world (PS there isn’t… we should have all married our first grade crushes that sniffed glue and pinched us on the playground… it’s all downhill from there… 7 year olds UNITE!)

Let’s all admit that first love, like the first chapter in a book, is the absolute hardest to get through, oftentimes when we look back also the most boring, however, the most important to lay the groundwork for what is to come. In first love we learn things about what we like, what we are looking for, more about who we are ourselves, and learn about the loss of naevity in love.  We identify with love. In the first chapter one thinks “This book SUCKS!! I quit! Stoooppp talking pppllleeaassseee!” but perhaps in this age we aren’t necessarily going to have one chapter in love, like maybe our parents or grandparents did. People get married and now we know how the story ends. Instead, I think there is a new wave of shelf-life romances in which each is highly significant, but due to the fact that we are all growing in our own independent endeavors we aren’t necessarily growing together, which is what leads to separations and divorces.

People today are looking out for themselves and it is okay to be single, to have fun, and to prolong settling down. Maybe marriage isn’t the answer. Maybe how it always has been, isn’t how it is going to work NOW. Maybe it is just about LOVE. We are individually continuing our own stories , and by having those long-term commitments and quick trysts that eventually all end, we are really just making our stories more interesting, creating a novel of experience, and furthering our quest for independence.

Perhaps it’s time to stop looking for forever and instead start looking at what is happening in front of us, and how this is going to impact the rest of story for the best, or sometimes just for the experience of the lesson of love.

Male Bonding

22 Jun

Due to the lack of excitement at my job… in order to spice things up… I listen to the comedy Pandora station… 8 hours a day… you do the math…

Ok, it’s 40 hours a week… of dick jokes and lamenting about women.

It’s awesome.

However, the best part is, it makes me feel like someone is talking to me and I don’t have to speak back. People DO keep their distance, as I laugh at my desk like I belong in an insane asylum… which is arguable…but it’s a temp job. Whatever.

Listening to this much male-jabber, I have stumbled upon some very enlightening and interesting common themes amongst men (besides the obvious that goal number one = S-E-X) and an insight to how those things inside their heads work… not that HEAD! Their other head. Get your mind out of the gutter.

Their brains.

Here are the top ten things to be aware of according to “Today’s Comedy Icons Radio.” Brought to you by Pandora. And me.

Disclaimer: If you have one of those things called a boyfriend…probably don’t listen to anything I have to say. Ever.

Drum roll please.

1)      They don’t like to be set-up. Women have the children if you want to have play dates.  Dudes don’t want to be setup with your friends’ boyfriends, husbands, brothers, dogs, whatever. Let them pick their own horrible running mates… and leave them to the consequences.

 2)      When they say they aren’t thinking anything. They really aren’t… and if they secretly are… do we really wanna know?? Everyone say, “NOT I.”

 3)      Have a freaking opinion. Apparently the worst thing EVER is to let them choose by saying “I don’t care.” Even, if like me, you REALLY don’t care… pull something out of your ass and be firm about it. I suggest the conversation to go like this… just to be safe… Question: “What do you want to eat?” Answer: “SUSHI DAMMIT… 30 minutes ago! GET IT TOGETHER!”

 4)      Let them have their vice. Video games. Let’s face it. They ALL universally are obsessed with video games. Video games to them are like shoes to us. We can’t explain it, but we both turn into Gollum zombies muttering “My Precious” under our breaths when they are in a 50 mile radius.  I think let them be. If you bitch about it there’s a 99.2% chance they’ll just hate you for it. Plus, while their playing they won’t notice you Pinteresting the entire house in the image of  Barbie’s dream home complete with a bedazzled toilet seat, abundant framed silverware and burnt crème fudge pieces masterfully shaped to look like demented floral arrangements strung along the mantle.

  5)      Rape never crosses their mind. Unless they are a rapist. Men seem shocked that we as women have to watch ourselves wherever we go, and that darkness can be lurking around any corner. This blows their minds. I dunno what this has to do with anything, I just thought it was interesting.

 6)      They really appreciate compromise. If you give an inch they might give back a lot more just to be able to have a say in… anything.

 7)      Shut your trap. No one likes a nag. For example, if they dress terrible, just don’t be seen in public with them… I guess… I’m still working on a solution to this. I’m leaning towards just burn whatever it is you can’t stand and that will solve the problem with less words.

 8)      Money is the root of all evil. What century is this??? Apparently women are supposed to be equal. I don’t like this new turn of events. However much this pains me, maybe throw a bone once in a while and pick up the check. Apppparrreeennntttlllyyyy it’s appreciated. (Ugh, that hurt just typing it.)

 9)      They have a complete love/ hate relationship with fast food. Men LOVE fast food, but know they shouldn’t. It’s like Catholic guilt. They do it anyways. This may come with an older-ish man… depending on how much fast food he eats… probably at like 21-99 years old is when they start feeling the effects. But they’re still hooked on Fast food like crack… and there is shame to it. Especially to the KFC Famous Bowls….?!?!?!… riddle me that. So if they are having withdrawal sweats, are hallucinating, and/or are overly cranky… look to the MSG and grease first.

 10)   And finally, WHATEVER YOU DO, DON’T drag them to a craft fair. They melt like the wicked witch of the West. Never to be seen again.

*To be safe just buy them a Famous Bowl, give them a video game controller, and get out-of-the-way.

May the force be with you.

Think out of your shell.

29 Feb

I was talking to a friend the other day and she said one of the most profound things I had ever heard. I was pretty much speechless.

Yeah, I know… me….speechless?!? It DOES happen.

Amidst my excitement that she was against marriage and children and that we had something to bemoan about in a foreign country (plus she was not from the States so I was comforted by the thought that perhaps the rest of the world isn’t as crazy as Americans can be about becoming unhappily wedded baby making machines, to live, work, die, buy property, change diapers, and absorb copious amounts of Starbucks and McDonald’s) she said this:

“I just don’t understand how people can go on to live normal lives when there are so many out there that do not even have the option of any sort of normalcy in theirs.”

Bam!

Are you thinking now???

I am.

What an interesting concept and one that I have believed in without even knowing it. There re so many terrible things happening in the world, but people can so easily crawl into their personal turtle shells of a life and live contently without even thinking about others. Others who do not have enough to eat, or find themselves in a form of slavery, or who cannot afford education much less a new pair of shoes, or have no place to call a home at all. How is it that it is so easy to go on living a completely normal life as if everything is peachy keen, when it is not for so many? Sure settling down and doing the accepted general life path is what we all think we should do. But do we ever stop to wonder about the others who aren’t as fortunate and don’t have ANY options much less the daily options of our excessive and lavish lives?

Perhaps we need to chew on more contemplation and consciousness of our role in the world and in the human race before we chew on more dinners at fancy restaurants and societal means to our very plentiful end.

Splitsville in Cougarcity.

17 Nov

So the rumors are true.

Talk about a fulfilling prophecy.

Shortly after taking on his new, playboy-esque role, Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore have announced their split.

Can I get an amen??

Maybe this will end the cougar obsession of middle-aged women. (One moment while I cross all my fingers… and toes)

Also, Ashton is a total douche, which he has most recently shown through Twitter and his half-ass job in reviving Two and a Half Men. (Which would be better with 1 1/2… or ZERO!)

And Demi, I’m convinced, is a never-aging alien who should just be put on display and dissected by scientists to understand her secret fountain of flawless bikini-ness.

I can’t believe the Kabalalahahaha marriage counseling classes didn’t work.

Mazel Tov you two!

PS

Team Bruce all the way.

You have a fiance???? I was hoping you would say that.

10 Nov

Raise your hand if you have ever been cheated on. Now raise your hand if you have ever been the cheater. Now raise your hand if you’ve ever been the “other” person with the cheater.

Raise them high. I don’t see any…

Liars.

Cheating is becoming a very prominent characteristic to our…world. People do it. People are victims of it, many times unaware of the situation.

But what are the rules when it comes to being an active participant in a scandalous affair that you didn’t even know existed? People are crafty in their secrets and forgetting you had a girlfriend/boyfriend, fiance, wife/husband seems to be an easy detail to “slip” some people’s minds… “Oh yeah, that ring on my finger is a promise ring… the promise I would find someone as amazing as you… and that day has finally come”…. 3 months later… “Oh, by the way…” Holy awkward conversation.

In the aftermath, however, what steps are to be taken if you yourself have been a victim of cheating on someone without your knowledge? Do you become active in letting the innocent party know, crushing happily ever after dreams and destroying a stranger’s life?  Or do you just let it all go and hope it all comes out eventually… maybe they are even aware of the “situation” they have signed up for? Perhaps you just pick up the phone or “accidentally run-into them” and chit-chat about the weather until the truth vomit takes over (then you can be best friends forever after… awwww)? What does that make you? Crazy. It makes you crazy.

Unknowingly being the other person poses several morality issues and ethical dilemmas that oftentimes were never even asked for. Being thrust into such a sticky situation possibly makes you a victim, too… right? 

I think there is a right and wrong in this situation, but how do you right a wrong situation when you don’t even know the person who needs to be righted or how the situation got so wrong to begin with? You were just having a nice crazy, quiet drunk girls night out to celebrate the Christmas season minding your own business and BAM! the devil in a single person’s clothing  most amazing person you ever met came out of NOWHERE and decided to help you in obtaining your “holiday cheer.”  Does that make you innocent? And are you wronging the wronged by offering up information that is going to shatter their once flawless relationship existence?  

I hate you life.

I’m going with the answer to all this gray area is “Karma’s a bitch.”

PS All the above is completely made up and fictional and strictly inquisitive and there is no possible way I would know anything at all about such a horrible and tragic topic that I would not wish on anyone. ANYONE! *facepalm

A Cocktail, A Gun, and Two “I Do’s.”

21 Oct

The age is upon me where everyone around me is getting married, talking about getting married, planning weddings, getting engaged, having engagement parties, showers are as abundant as underage workers in China, and stress is plentiful. Ahhhh, breathe it in… and pass the Xanax.

I’m going to look on the bright side and thank the universe that we are not to the baby stage yet. Because when that starts… I’m moving to Antarctica and blaming the faulty public transportation to and from glaciers on my lack of presence until the children… have graduated college.

I love these girls and will help them with anything they need in their final hour as well as seriously enjoy being creative…but COME ON! This whole idea of “weddings’ and “happily ever after” cause of a six-hour production has totally gone over my head.

Let’s get this straight… You are going to spend a lot of money, time, energy, stress, lose a few chunks of hair, gain a couple of scars and hot glue blisters, and maybe forget your name, where you are from, and have to be committed by the end of it just for ONE (supposedly magical) day (the magic must be in the amount of relief felt when the disaster is over and no one lost a finger or died)?? Ok, that’s what I thought you said. Just checking.

I had NOOOO idea the amount of energy that goes into planning these things. And lordhavemercy! the amount of money that is made on this (is increasing with every divorce). I would think if we stop making all the crap fake foliage, and crystal tiaras, and light up bride and grooms that go into the creation of weddings, the polar bears might have a nicer home and Bridezillas and the WE channel may have never existed… only in my dreams… Oh yeah, and people might actually STAY married.

The amount of details that rack each and every bride’s brain blows MY mind. And the fact that we all sign up for our dream nightmare day willingly nonetheless.  I’m not even in (most) of the weddings and am feeling willing to soon agree to chip in for an elopement and need a strong cocktail. I can only imagine what all the father’s across the planet Earth are feeling. And the pictures, and the place cards, and the freaking centerpieces. Who thought up this madness and how did something so painful stick for so many years?

What happened to the good ol’ days when young men took their bride and 3 goats, shook hands with their father-in-law’s and called it even. 😉

The moral of this story: Fathers only have boys… and I’m going somewhere tropical with one AMAZING dress, copious amounts of relaxation, and vodka. Save the date!

New News.

4 Oct

I'm guessing she might be down with moving to Mexico.

So I woke up this morning to the news that Mexico is enforcing a two year marriage law and Denmark is charging more tax for foods with high fat content in grocery stores.

Ok. Go!

1) A two year marriage law?? Apparently after two years of marriage if you decide that maybe you made a bad decision and would like a do-over, guess what you can! If you move to Mexico…

Hold on one second. Isn’t that what dating is for?!?!? You date someone for two years or 4 years or ten minutes, move in together most likely and then decide you would like to black out your latest decision and start living your life as a Wilson Phillips soundtrack and that 24/7 sock action or dangerously high amounts of PMS is not for you. Ta-da! You break up and go your separate ways. Duh.

And.

2) Yesss!!! Please tax higher fat content foods. As a poor person I cannot afford healthy snacks. Fruits and vegetables are not on the menu unless they are frozen and on special. My only problem is that this law… is in Denmark. I have been to Denmark and I didn’t see a lot of fat people. I think the fat content is under control there. I want this brought to the fat capital of the world. The good Ol’ U.S. of A. Specifically the middle part. Because let’s face it. There ARE fat people here. It would be like shooting fish in a barrel. And the fitter the fish the greater the chances of dodging the bullets… right?? We need more fit and active and healthy Americans. It’s a sad, sad epidemic. Plus, cigarettes are taxed to stop people from smoking, right?? I feel that fat is equally as dangerous and just as much of a concern, especially in your local Applebee’s or KFC between the hours of 5 & 8 pm.

I also feel like this law may have a negative impact on McDonald’s and their $1 menu which I am all for.

Define “Single”

14 Sep

I feel like there needs to be more explicit relationship statuses on Facebook… and in life.

I mean yeah you are “in a relationship” or it can be “complicated”… but HOW complicated are we talking? And single… that can have many layers and many extra appendages… and people.

Let’s say you are single, but have a stalker ex-girlfriend that is fresh on your tail… and your new romance interests. I would consider that NOT single. More like “stalker single.” 

Or perhaps there is baby mama/papa drama… or just a baby… yeah, sure you are single every other weekend and alternating holidays…

Or maybe you used to be a prostitute and your pimp is a little too nosy. Or maybe you ARE the pimp… would we call this “pringle”??

How about you did some serious time and now have a real relationship with your parole officer… and an 8pm curfew? Is that called “community service single”? Or better yet “single in t-minus 200 hours” so we can better keep track?

Or what about if you are moving in 3 months… “I only want one thing because I am leaving soon single”? or more likely “I am moving sometime in the next 3 hours-30 years… I think… and I only want one thing single”?

Or what if someone has a herd of cats (like more than 2)… “Turn around and run single”?

Or they live with their parents… “ya… BTW… single”? 😉

These are all things that should be considered. Single isn’t just single these days. Maybe someone should write Mark Zuckerberg a letter regarding the relationship status-status quo. I’m sure he’s got tons of free time…

Shopping Solo? You CAN Do It.

26 Aug

What is up with women always taking men and children shopping? I feel like these two concepts do not go together. Men can shop for themselves, they ARE adults, so don’t use that excuse and kids come with pre acknowledged sizes that don’t need to be tried on.

And yes, I have been guilty of dragging along past boyfriends to give me an opinion or keep me company… but now that I  look back… obviously I was a crazy bitch. Why would I subject someone who I (supposedly) like to something so horrible? And why can’t women just man up and be independent from their extra appendages for an afternoon?

You ALWAYS see kids whining that they are hungry or playing bumper cars with shopping carts, or distressed men parked on benches and leaning on racks with complete looks of disdain on their faces. I feel SOOO bad for them.  It’s also horrible for me personally… they don’t even give good opinions.

I may have this negative shopping opinion from my upbringing. I have NEVER seen my father in a mall or a Wal-Mart or any kind of conventional store… come to think of it, I wonder how he clothes himself… must be magic. Once in a blue moon if my mom happens to be on her near deathbed, he MIGHT venture out to pick up a loaf of bread, or milk or something completely necessary, all the while receiving the exact route simultaneously from my mother whilst still on previously mentioned deathbed like some sort of GPS adventure.

It seems to me that the whole shopping experience is much less enjoyable when you have a constant shadow… especially one that could care less about what you are putting on your body because A) in a perfect world they would rather have you naked 100% of the time (fairly though, men seem to perk up when Victoria’s Secret is on the menu, but I can’t say the same for children) or B) they are either gonna throw up, drool, or poop on your purchases later (a child’s only opinion should lie in fabric absorption…).

THEN you have the screaming kids that REALLY make it fun for the rest of us and especially for the husbands who seem to become shopping, opinion giving, travelling nannies…

Just leave the circus at home and shop in peace.

Hell, not only will it make the rest of us happy, but it might just lead to lowering the divorce rate.

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