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Baby Bieber

2 Nov

*. Double. Freaking. Facepalm.

So some stupid chick is out there professing to the world that she has birthed Justin Bieber’s bouncing baby. Please hold the applause.

PS I’m OUT if there are any more Bieber’s!!!! It’s worse than a zombie apocalypse.

Of course the crazy lady wants money… why else would you admit to being within 50 ft of Justin Bieber willingly… and HOW wasn’t she blinded by his amazing skills at wearing enormous-billed hats and multi-colored kicks, as well as his lack of chest hair to render her unable to perform?? Impressive.

But hold on one second… I think there is a much more important question that doesn’t seem to be being asked.

No, not if she wore his perfume during the concert leading up to the impregnation, OR if she found out what shampoo he uses, OR if she got free tickets to his 3-d concert movie puke fest extravaganza.

It’s… why isn’t she in jail?!?

Bieber is 17 years old. (as of March… thank you Wikipedia for that little tidbit of VERY NECESSARY information)

The supposed Bieber baby is 4 months.

The conception happened 13 months ago.

The chick is 20.

If you can’t do the math, I’ll spell it out for you.

R-A-P-E. Statutory specifically.

No one is denying the sex…yet… just the egg/embryo combination. HELLLOOOOO double standard. Not the women/men double standard of course. WHAT is that!?!?

I’m obviously referring to the celebrity double standard.

Since when can a recently turned 16-year-old have a one night stand backstage after his sold out billion dollar making concert?? Talk about Magical…awwwwwwww. And still be a role model for every young person on the entire planet! To make matters worse, she was 19…that’s 3 years difference…”Attn. all guests, we are now leaving the land of misdemeanor and entering felony-land. Welcome. We hope you enjoy your stay.”

Also, didn’t his manager just go on record saying Bieber’s balls had recently dropped bringing about a more “mature” less girly vocal experience? (Yeah, I read E! online every 15 minutes… so what??) Don’t you need errr…dropped balls to make a baby??

Which leads us to a MUCH more important question.

Which came first? The balls, or the baby Bieber?

I wish I may, I wish I might.

18 Oct

Bitches

I broke down the other day and went against my hatred for Mandy Moore, singing in movies, and relating to little kids, and watched Tangled.

And the moral of the story is…

DON’T DO IT.

It was like a time machine that reverted me back to age of 5 where my biggest problem was how to break my addiction to eating insects (mmmm protein) and what color eyeshadow to put on my brother next. By the end of it I was sobbing. And found myself considering dropping everything in this so-called “reality” and start holding out for perfect long golden hair, a world without a need for shoes, a furry best friend who could talk back to me, and a prince charming that looks more like Ryan Gosling and less like Prince William. It worked for Rapunzel, Cinderella, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty (I would pick her if I could be any… the girl looks REST-TED!), Jasmine, Pocahontas… the list goes on and on…so, why can’t it be me??

As young girls we SERIOUSLY believe these things can happen. Hello tragedy. It is taught at a young age… by a man no less (he goes by the name Disney. Walt Disney.)… that these things are not only possible, but can and should be expected. Ok, you hate your life, so you sit there and hope something awesome and magical will happen simultaneously with the birds chirping and the wind blowing through your dishwater blonde hair… or perhaps that dead opossum your mom just hit with her 1985 Lumina will magically spring back to life and join you in your favorite duet and dance off, taking your mind off the crap that has sent you to this hopeful/desperate place to begin with. This is not so. And at 26, reverting back to the desire of what once was real, sent me into an emotional tailspin.

And made me realize…

How can we be doing this to young girls?!? What an ultimate set-up.

One of my friends was discussing that she wants to write children’s books that go against these concepts that discuss the reality of relationships, hair… and forest creatures. And I am all for this concept. I’m not a feminist , but I believe in the conviction to be able to take care of yourself to an extent that dreams can come true and that those dreams are full of passion and compassion. 

There needs to be more reality in a world where most things are not perfect…EVER. Providing girls with the tools to support themselves, be independent, and think in a sincere and firm fashion is what I would want for my daughters. (As well as knowing two languages and have the skills to cook things that don’t come from a box.)

A man is not a necessity, a good head of hair is pure luck, and talking critters is… something the scientists had better be working on.

Pinkett-Smith’s: So close.

23 Aug

Cheese and Rice! You have no idea how excited I got when I thought that Will and Jada were splitting up. Jada is the most annoying person on the planet… except I do love when she rocks a healthy fro. But that family is taking over the world and I feel like a divorce would weaken their power on society, stifle their HUGE egos, as well as lessen the crappy karate movies in the market, all the while hopefully eliminating a small portion of  tween crap on the radio and Youtube. If I hear Whip My Hair  one more time I’m gonna throw up then track down Willow and show her a real whipping.

Thanks In Touch Weekly… Last time I checked it’s not April 1. Unfortunately, the rumors are false. But can I put this on my Christmas list?

Let’s start taking bets on how soon the lawsuit by the Pinkett-Smith’s against In Touch
Weekly happens… my money’s on sometime between when E! News airs tomorrow evening and before Oprah’s OWN network begins it’s fall season kickoff!

 

Old School MTV Style

28 Jun

Honestly, whatever happened to the days when music videos were appreciated with their own 24/7 channel representation?

You could wake up to music videos and go to sleep to music videos and learn all the moves in between. Now MTV and VH1 are jam-packed with orange people from New Jersey and pregnant teenagers. Last time I checked though it is still called MTV for Music TV and VH1 stands for Video Hits One right? (yeah…maybe I had to Google it). 

I feel like going to YouTube to find the latest videos is kind of exhausting and when I get in that cleaning mood I want some non-stop music with a little theatre thrown in, to do the dishes and laundry to. I understand that there is MTV channels 2- 200 now that offer music videos but it isn’t standard for those who can’t afford those extra channels in their everyday lives. I think they should switch the endless replays of True Life, Teen Mom and Made to MTV channels 2-200 and leave the original MTV as it was in its purest straight video form.

 I mean kids are learning about how to get pregnant and overcome their fears instead of how to rock to Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” and Beyoncé’s “Single Ladies” (these are important life lessons being thrown to the wayside!! ) Poor kids these days.

 Unfortunately, I don’t have much say in how things are run up there in NYC at MTV’s headquarters, so for now I guess I’ll just have to remain limited and be thankful once a week on Saturday morning there is VH1’s Top 20 countdown on my basic cable to watch.

Attention All Men

22 Jun

My mom says I get fixated on a topic. But I think if you are right, you are right and if there is a serious issue then I feel as if it is my job to make sure EVERYONE knows it. 😉 So not to beat a dead horse, but there really is nothing better than a good suit.

To all you males out there… if you don’t own one (or several) GOOD suits then there is something seriously missing in your wardrobe. And I’m not talking  “two for one get em while it’s hot!” suits. I mean a nice tailored suit. It’s a refreshing change to our ever increasing casual society. You want to stick out and look gooood. Put on a suit and have the confidence to rock it.

Adam Levine last night on The Voice was a PRIME example of what a good fitting suit can do to your image (AND he wasn’t even wearing a tie if that’s what you are concerned about).  I didn’t think the man could look any better, but I was proven wrong. That suit he wore during his performance of “Moves Like Jagger” with Christina Aguilera skyrocketed his stats. What once was a 12 on a scale of 1-10 was catapulted to at LEAST a 20 (and I’m stingy with my numbers). Just imagine what it could do for you fellas who aren’t as lucky as Adam in the natural beauty department? The possibilities are endless.

I totally think all men should take a clue from Barney Stinson and “suit up.” I’m sure all the ladies will agree with me.

Karaoke Crap

10 Jun

I'm with Fred.

So there is something in this world that I absolutely do NOT understand at all… and would love for someone to explain it to me…

What is the fascination with Karaoke?

WHY is it popular to take a good song sung by a good singer and complete destroy it… usually by drunken and terrible singers who don’t always necessarily know the words.

And I’m sure at this point you are thinking well she’s just never tried it she doesn’t know what she is missing. But I HAVE tried it! Additionally, I have tried it at the highest most drastic and death-defying level. What are the details may you ask? Yes, I sang karaoke in NYC, on Time Square, with it being videotaped, and played on the jumbotron ON Times Square. Not nearly as awesome as it sounds… and I wasn’t nearly drunk enough. And needless to say it was completely brutal and permanently scarring. Perhaps this is why I hold onto complete disdain for the act, but I just don’t understand.

There are Beyonce’s and Christina Aguilera’s for a reason. The reason is that not your average person is that talented… isn’t that why they make the big bucks?? So I personally don’t think there is any need to attempt that type of talent and share the less than stellar average gifts that many of us possess.

Just keep it to the shower or not at all and let the rest of us drink in peace and go home to listen to Itunes.

The Voice: “That’s What She Said”

7 Jun

Ok, so did you see The Voice tonight on NBC? It was the live shows in which viewers can vote. And I have so much to say.

I will make a list so it will be easier to keep up with my blabbering.

1) Christina Aguilera’s Makeup- Holy drag queen! I couldn’t see past her freakish paint job to listen to what she was saying or singing. And Paired with that (Ahhmmm) striking blue dress that was welded to her burgeoning boobs, I didn’t know if I was watching NBC or a Ringling Brothers back tent with a cover charge. 😉

2) Christina Aguilera’s Leather Shorts- Her ass isn’t that good for X & M style leather (pleather) hot pants paired with a metallic  jacket that kept making leathery noises every time she moved in her chair… or maybe it was the pants… or maybe it was her  frantically fluffing her extensions whenever possible… or maybe it was the pants…

3) Christina Aguilera’s spat with Adam Levine- Something about spoiling his jeans or something? Really weird. I hope they catch a real fight between the two because based on tonight’s’ manly appearance by her, it might be a good bout.

4) Adam Levine– Thank you for showing up.

5) Cee Lo’s Missing Glasses- Call 911 we need the sunglasses back stat! Whoever stole them should understand why.

6) Cee Lo’s Diamond Encrusted Pinky Ring– Baller… he has such weird hands they remind me of the penguin’s off of Batman Returns. Yeah I said it! But that ring just made it so classy… or distracting from other things…

7) Frenchie’s Spanx Showing– Come on stylist that is your job to keep the fat covered up in a completely elusive and magical manner. Spanx showing?? Dammit, the jig is up.

8) Frenchie’s Earrings Dangling So Low To Meet Her Boobs– Seriously it was a distracting meeting of the two.

9) Frenchie’s Head Sweat- It was more like all over globe sweat. It was dripping down her face and on her nose and I think Carson Daily flinched at its glittering scariness coming at him during their hug. Re-run time!

10) The Group Songs??- I think I would have rather had the coaches just sing together more or there needed to be more practice. It was awkward.

11) Xenia’s Flailing- The poor girl has a beautiful smile, but her waving her arms like she’s being chased by a chainsaw and singing chill-ly about money was really distracting…  left, left… right, right…

12) The Scottish Punk Look By The Lesbian- I can NEVER remember her name, but I know three things. I wouldn’t want to get in a fight with her. I wouldn’t want to get on a motorcycle with her. And I wouldn’t want to wear a red plaid skirt like her.

13) Dia- She better win.

14) The Rocker Dude Whose Name I Can Never Remember Either– Here’s a clue, lose the sparkly black ninja headband… it makes you look like a discount version of Brett Michaels and PS that’s never a good thing. Just take a tip from the other bald person on the show and wear a red Scottish plaid skirt. (See Above)

15) Blake Shelton’s “That’s What She Said” Joke On National Television– I’m not a fan of country, but I am liking him more and more and more and more…

If you don’t watch The Voice please disregard.

DMB Caravan

22 Apr

The Gorge

All the dates have been announced and tickets are on sale. So get your music on. There are terrific line-ups at every stop!

Closest to us midwesterners is Chicago July 8-10!! G. Love and the Special Sauce, Ben Folds, O.A.R., David Gray, Ray Lamontagne just to name a few.

The other two locations are Governors Island and of course the greatest venue on Earth; The Gorge!!

I can only imagine the style in the grasses too!!! 🙂 Bring your camera, designer duds, camping gear,  and get your music on!

For all the details: http://www.dmbcaravan.com/

Simon Van Kempen: Real House "Husband" of NYC Outta Control!

21 Apr

He deserves those pants! Excuse me while I go puke.

Oh my gosh… this is completely tragic. Apparently, the housewives are getting a little (bad) singing compeition in the form of the craziest house husband alive, Simon Van Kempen. He has recorded a single entitled “I am Real” (must be a typo I’m sure he meant “I am really stupid”).

Shut your face! I know, I know, this is completely rediculous… as if his style and the things that come out of his mouth weren’t stupid enough now we get to hear his mad singing skills. No thank you. I’m a sucker for The Real Housewives of NYC but could definitely do with out control fame whores Alex and her husband Simon. This is a level of shame NOONE should achieve. Congrats you two, you’re a match made in crazy, no self-respect or dignity, bad-taste heaven.

If Simon was the last person on Earth he would still be filming, taking pictures, and promoting himself to the trees. Poor, poor trees.

Simon talks about how cool and simultaneously sneaky it was he kept it a secret for so long… not long enough Simon, not long enough.

I could have died before hearing him… or seeing him… and would have died in peace.

I’m foreseeing a real house husband spin off in the very near future. God, help us all.

As of today my wish list now includes earplugs.

Coachella Cool

19 Apr

One of my favorite times of year is upon us (up there with awards season and fashion week(s))… music festival season! Music festivals are hands down the best thing about summer next to popcicles and watermelon.

The weather gets warm and the bands come out to play… as well as the fashionasta’s sporting their hippie-chic style on the grass runways. Coachella brought everyone to the desert last weekend from celebrity to celebutant, to try on a casual chic sense of style and laid back atmosphere. Coachella ran from April 15-17  this year in Indio, CA and included such headlining bands as Kings of Leon, Kanye West, Mumford & Sons, Interpol, The Strokes, and Arcade Fire.

The best part off the stage, though, is the style on the fashion fields. It’s so amazing, I can barely contain my excitement. So in case you weren’t there (we all can dream right? I STILL need to move) here is a bit of a recap on some style statements over the weekend.

Apparently, to get tickets there is a style screening process…and flawless body screening as well. Now only 363 days until next year’s. I can hardly wait! I’m also open to being next year’s style scouter if anyone is looking for an excellent employee 😉

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