Archive | Pregnancy RSS feed for this section

Kids Suck… but It’s Our Own Fault

7 Feb

ImageMy “man friend” (that’s what I call him because “boyfriend” is the most cliche and terrifying word to someone who is afraid of commitment… ever… FYI)  the other day was discussing having children … and once the smelling salts kicked in and I crawled off the floor and ingested a couple glasses of red wine… I got to thinking.

I started looking around at all the children and instead of scowling I tried to be unbiased. Key word tried. But honestly!! after paying attention to the coming generations… I’m not sure I want to live in this world much less bring in additional sufferers.

What in the hell are we doing to our children today?? When did this bullshit of everyone is equal and a winner come to fruition? I think NOT. Participation trophy’s and no child left behind and child services at every corner waiting to sweep your offspring to foster homes is completely out of control. In the words of Will McAvoy (if you haven’t watched HBO’s the Newsroom… you NEED to) America is NOT the greatest country in the world anymore and with great reason.

My parents hit me and you know what… I’m still alive! Ta DA! Sure it was unpleasant when it happened… But I don’t have any scars… not even emotional ones… those came from elsewhere. But you know what I do have? Respect for authority …and character. I would have hit me too. I was a nightmare from the ages of 3- 25. I still need to be hit most days. And you know what… I lost in team sports and my lack of ability to put one foot in front of the other left me to be the last person picked in dodge ball. I didn’t cry. I found something I was good at so I could feel proud of myself. I worked harder at things that I was mediocre at. I excelled in school because it set me apart from my peers. It gave me a niche. It made me work to feel a sense of accomplishment… What is that?!

This hand holding and coddling ridiculousness is creating a generation of pussies… yeah I said it PUSSIES…  who aren’t going to be able to take care of themselves, much less be contributing members of society. They are going to fill out a job application (if they can even think for themselves that far) work for two hours (if they can make it that long) and be waiting with their hand out for a golden trophy and a pat on the back.

YEAHHHH RIIIIGHHHTT.

This is not the world I want to be in much less bring someone else in it. I’ll hit my kid for saying ‘shit’ at the age of 3 cause they heard it on TV (or from me) and because they threw a temper tantrum in the supermarket cause I wouldn’t buy them a candy bar and a second Ipad … and then we’ll all be in jail.

No thank you.

I think I’d rather move to Mars. I hear it’s nice there.

Think out of your shell.

29 Feb

I was talking to a friend the other day and she said one of the most profound things I had ever heard. I was pretty much speechless.

Yeah, I know… me….speechless?!? It DOES happen.

Amidst my excitement that she was against marriage and children and that we had something to bemoan about in a foreign country (plus she was not from the States so I was comforted by the thought that perhaps the rest of the world isn’t as crazy as Americans can be about becoming unhappily wedded baby making machines, to live, work, die, buy property, change diapers, and absorb copious amounts of Starbucks and McDonald’s) she said this:

“I just don’t understand how people can go on to live normal lives when there are so many out there that do not even have the option of any sort of normalcy in theirs.”

Bam!

Are you thinking now???

I am.

What an interesting concept and one that I have believed in without even knowing it. There re so many terrible things happening in the world, but people can so easily crawl into their personal turtle shells of a life and live contently without even thinking about others. Others who do not have enough to eat, or find themselves in a form of slavery, or who cannot afford education much less a new pair of shoes, or have no place to call a home at all. How is it that it is so easy to go on living a completely normal life as if everything is peachy keen, when it is not for so many? Sure settling down and doing the accepted general life path is what we all think we should do. But do we ever stop to wonder about the others who aren’t as fortunate and don’t have ANY options much less the daily options of our excessive and lavish lives?

Perhaps we need to chew on more contemplation and consciousness of our role in the world and in the human race before we chew on more dinners at fancy restaurants and societal means to our very plentiful end.

The end of the world one orange oompa loompa at a time.

29 Feb

Snooki might be pregnant.

Lord have mercy on us all.

Everyone say an extra prayer that this rumor is false. The last thing ANYWHERE needs is more orange fist pumping oompa loompas.

Some people should not be allowed to reproduce. It’s a fact. I include myself in this category, so it’s not discrimination.

Poor Poor kid. Can social services be called before the egg has hatched? I’ll Google it.

Maybe the world is going to end.

Beyonce’s Baby Blue BS

8 Feb

Clue one… her deflatable baby bump.

Clue two… the erroneous amount of security at the hospital where she gave birth.

Clue three… her month after comeback pictures.

She’s curvy… curby girls don’t just bounce back like the Victoria’s Secret supermodel alien baby making machines. Just look at her skinny ankles. Mine are bigger than that after a Big Mac and french fries.

I call Bullshit.

On another pregnant note… when is Jennifer Garner ever going to give birth?!? I believe she really is pregnant, and it feels like she’s been in a delicate condition since before Obama took office.

Baby Bieber

2 Nov

*. Double. Freaking. Facepalm.

So some stupid chick is out there professing to the world that she has birthed Justin Bieber’s bouncing baby. Please hold the applause.

PS I’m OUT if there are any more Bieber’s!!!! It’s worse than a zombie apocalypse.

Of course the crazy lady wants money… why else would you admit to being within 50 ft of Justin Bieber willingly… and HOW wasn’t she blinded by his amazing skills at wearing enormous-billed hats and multi-colored kicks, as well as his lack of chest hair to render her unable to perform?? Impressive.

But hold on one second… I think there is a much more important question that doesn’t seem to be being asked.

No, not if she wore his perfume during the concert leading up to the impregnation, OR if she found out what shampoo he uses, OR if she got free tickets to his 3-d concert movie puke fest extravaganza.

It’s… why isn’t she in jail?!?

Bieber is 17 years old. (as of March… thank you Wikipedia for that little tidbit of VERY NECESSARY information)

The supposed Bieber baby is 4 months.

The conception happened 13 months ago.

The chick is 20.

If you can’t do the math, I’ll spell it out for you.

R-A-P-E. Statutory specifically.

No one is denying the sex…yet… just the egg/embryo combination. HELLLOOOOO double standard. Not the women/men double standard of course. WHAT is that!?!?

I’m obviously referring to the celebrity double standard.

Since when can a recently turned 16-year-old have a one night stand backstage after his sold out billion dollar making concert?? Talk about Magical…awwwwwwww. And still be a role model for every young person on the entire planet! To make matters worse, she was 19…that’s 3 years difference…”Attn. all guests, we are now leaving the land of misdemeanor and entering felony-land. Welcome. We hope you enjoy your stay.”

Also, didn’t his manager just go on record saying Bieber’s balls had recently dropped bringing about a more “mature” less girly vocal experience? (Yeah, I read E! online every 15 minutes… so what??) Don’t you need errr…dropped balls to make a baby??

Which leads us to a MUCH more important question.

Which came first? The balls, or the baby Bieber?

“Rapunzel Let Down Your Hair”

1 Aug

I have always had trouble getting my hair to grow past a certain length… I’m sure this is (shockingly) due to excessive coloring, multiple use of heat infused products, and just a general lack of care for it. I also incessantly bite my nails (if only I would have listened when I was 7 and my mother warned I wouldn’t be able to stop later…she was right… damn her wisdom).

However, many of my friends have similar problems and I have a solution that surprisingly many haven’t known about. It’s called Biotin and it is the active ingredient in pre-natal vitamins that helps nails and hair grow. I personally thank God everyday for not being pregnant, and don’t see any reason to include anything pre-natal into my very purposefully non- natal life, thus making Biotin the perfect solution.   

You can get Biotin anywhere. It’s cheapest at Wal-Mart… but death to Wal-Mart. Instead try your local drugstore or grocery… Biotin isn’t really expensive anywhere.

AND the best part is… you can’t over dose on it… trust me I have tried. Also, you can take as much as you want as many times of the day as you want, and the longer you take it, the more it builds up in your system, and the more results you will see. And the results are noticable.

Soon, a little dedication coupled with copious amounts of Biotin, you’ll be the next Rapunzel of the 21st century, finding yourself “Tangled” in the compliments. 😉 You’re welcome.

I’ll “Push” Whatever You Want

1 Jun

Rachel Zoe's "push" gift

When did “push” gifts become a thing?? I may be out of the loop because children, pregnancy, and giving birth both grotesque and terrify me. But after watching The Real Housewives of OC and Rachel Zoe making out like bandits after giving birth makes me reconsider. Rachel Zoe’s “push” gift was compensation that I would kill for much less have a baby for. Isn’t the point of having children that the prize at the end is the baby?

But wait!! Our society has thrown in an added bonus and I am thinking… sign me up!! Hells yes if I’m getting 10 carats of ANYTHING to do what God and Mother Nature intended me to do for free I’ll run away and join the Duggar’s (it would be like running away to join the circus but way more sparkly and more my style ;)). 

If this is the way it works now, forget just ONE baby I’ll have a dozen!!!… and then maybe I can have my own reality show, too. A reality show where all my kids are running around screaming…all the while I’m draped in diamonds and other lavish gifts… you know whatever is decided upon before the conception of course.

I think these “push” gifts are gonna start needing contractual clarification. If you’re gonna go through hell, one had better make sure that they are FULLY compensated for it and that noone backs out of their end of the deal after nine months… unless it’s the baby that changes his mind… that might be ok.

Rewards for Right Choices and Goals NOT Just Conforming

20 Apr

I was watching Sex and the City the other day (for like the 100th time… thank you E!) and Carrie had something very profound to say regarding marriage and babies (which I’m sure everyone has heard but let’s apply it shall we?).

“Think about it. If you are single, after graduation there isn’t one occasion where people celebrate you … Hallmark doesn’t make a “congratulations, you didn’t marry the wrong guy” card. And where’s the flatware for going on vacation alone? ”

Why is this, that those of us that don’t jump on the baby making, getting married train don’t get rewarded by society like those that do? It’s not that they are making hard decisions or making an effort to accomplish these goals. Oftentimes when people are getting married or having children it is falling into their lap or happening by accident. What about those of us that make more calculated choices (it’s alot harder to NOT get pregnant thnt to get pregnant… anyone seen 16 and Pregnant? Derrrr.) How about congrats you got a PHD or congrats you got an awesome promotion or free drinks on the house, sashes/crowns/party dresses because you didn’t say yes to the ring?? Or perhaps an anniversary gift for surviving alone (hells yes I killed that spider myself) or taking your BC everyday (for your entire life)?

There aren’t parties and presents for breaking-up with an asshole or getting published, or accomplishing whatever the goal is that isn’t the convoluted “norm” defined by society. I want a place to wear a really fancy dress and be celebrated that ISN’T white because some dude thought “well heck I guess I love her and this is the next step” or “I have baby fever and my clock is ticking!!”  I want that celebration and dress because I made the correct decision for me that didn’t necessarily lead to marriage or getting knocked up. There are alot more notable accomplishments than what most people do that don’t get notoriety or gifts. Single people buy homes and need all the same gifts that a wedding registry would include. Or what about a new puppy keeping you up at night and eating you out of house and home as well (OR maybe I just like gum cigars everyday not just when a baby enters the world)?

There needs to be more open mindedness and acceptance about what deems celebration. Because Samantha’s “I’m not having a baby party” looked just as fun as the alternative shower.

Surrogacy: The Answer to All Woman's Troubles.

18 Apr

The older I get and the more people that start having babies around me, the more I hear about the horrors of pregnancy and giving birth. I won’t go into all the terrifying details here, but good lord how is ANYTHING natural about natural childbirth?!?! …maybe a few hundred years ago baby’s were smaller… like the size of a potato (and NOT the baker’s size)… anyone seen Simon Burch? (if you haven’t, his mother sneezed and he popped out)… cross your fingers!!!!

It gives me nightmares just to think about how women do such a disgusting and embarassing thing everyday and call it beautiful??

Which is why I think surrogacy is definitely the way to go.

You just need alot of money to do it. But I think it is totally worth it to be able to bow out of one of life’s NOT most blessed occurances (more like nightmarish). I’m possibly considering starting my own affordable surrogacy agency… this is how strongly I feel about it. I don’t understand from conception to birth how women are bonding with the alien in their bellies and then pushing them out of their very treasured honey hole (or horny hole… I’ll work on it). I don’t think there is anything normal or pleasurable about preganancy and birth… from a bystanders view of course.

If you think about it, surrogacy is the best of all the worlds… the baby is still yours genetically, you don’t have to lose the weight, no stretch marks, no scars or tearing, no embarassment, you don’t have to buy all the clothes that only last a short time, there is no morning sickness, there is no temporary (this term is arguable) nine-month insanity, and you still get the prize at the end! AND you get to see your feet the whole time…if ever I lose sight of my feet, that is when navigation becomes a serious issue (walking with my head down isn’t a sign of insecurity, it’s a sign of survival). 

It’s like dumping out all the Cheerios to get straight to the wind-up car (noone likes Cheerios really, right?…without a canister of sugar to go with, that is). I see this as win-win.

Also, it costs so much to have them anyways, what’s a little more (or alot more) to have someone else go through the distress?

In my mind, with  bearing children, money should be no object and Tina Fey had it right in Baby Mama… we all need a little Amy Poehler in our child-bearing lives (or just our lives at all). 😉

At Your Own Risk.

Bouncing Back From Baby

8 Apr

I don’t know how they do it. Celebrity or not, having a great post baby body either takes incredible dedication or awesome genes. Let’s say it’s the dedication (but most likely they are freaks).

Baby’s are overrated, but bouncing back from them in terms of physicality needs to recieve credit where credit is due. Some of these ladies are bouncing back like toddlers on a trampoline… and we aren’t necessarily talking about spring chickens here.  I would think after pushing out more than one offspring  there would be hell to pay eventually, but you would never guess with these magicians. Wowza.

I can’t even bounce back from a food baby, much less a real baby… or 3 or 5.

%d bloggers like this: