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Nature SUUUUCCCCKKKKSSSS.

27 Jun

When did nature become a novelty for mankind? Didn’t we construct all these buildings and invent cars, electricity, and TV as well as develop the process of identification and exercise videos so we wouldn’t have to go back into nature? But for some reason people think it’s awesome to be “one” with nature… with a carload full of crap that you have to put together and set-up amongst the poisonous plants, rabid animals, and abundant insect kingdoms.

Nature has rejected me since as long as I can remember. More than rejected me. It kicks my ass and packs my bags for me.

As a white girl, with long eyelashes I can bat at a moments notice, the only violence and discrimination I have ever experienced has been in nature.

I almost lost a foot… and my mind… to 6 summers of consecutive life threatening Poison Ivey. (Although, it did get me out of church camp, which was OKAY!! with me. I’ve never been a fan of organized anything…too many rules, chants, and activities. I HATE activities. And I especially hate chants. Chants remind me of why people go on shooting rampages.)  I’ve been on numerous bouts of steroids from spider bites. I usually can bet there is a snake that with the slightest nibble will kill me instantly nearby, and the sunburns are endless.

Much to my dismay, I was raised in nature. Horses, land, gardens, chickens, the full enchilada. Go figure. So it’s been a 24/7/365 battle since I was born.

My father used to take me on painful canoe trips which would involve me talking in high pitch wails as I tried to use my negative muscle mass and defeated mental capacity to simultaneously maneuver us through the water whilst trying not to drown, be engulfed by what was under the water, and not die from whatever was gonna bite me above the water. While he watched. Needless to say I was not a happy “camper.”

Our family camp trips ended up with the four of us piling into the van ¼ mile away from home wishing we were dead.

So maybe I come by this honestly?

However, there is no “quit” in quitter… wait a second….

So I decided this summer I was going to defeat nature.

This was a stupid ambition.

20 minutes into attempt #1, the high pitched wailing had commenced.

I don’t understand this concept of float trips. People pay a lot of money to float down a piss infused river trying to avoid all the white trash drunken idiots that cannot control the fact that they should not be set free in this environment… they should be caged in a zoo… and they should not be allowed to produce cubs. It’s like an episode of Man Vs. Wild, but Bear Grills is nowhere in sight to make it “Bear-able.” 😉

 The only thing good about nature is fire. But you can build a fire… in air conditioning… with mosquito nets strung about wherever necessary.

Even after my 6 hour hell ride down the worst roller coaster ever invented, we were done. Thank God.

Let the fire portion commence.

However, nature was not done with me. I woke up with a lip the size of Asia and numerous other swollen appendages. The swelling was moving to my throat. I looked like I had been in a bar brawl with a gang of ginormous bikers that the only thing they hated in this world was blonde girls with long eyelashes that bat them whenever danger erupts.

I got the hell out of dodge and consumed enough Benadryl to kill a small dog.

After my 48 hour Benadryl coma, I only had the emotional scars to prove it. And thus decided to take a stab at it the next weekend…

Cause the first run was so much fun. Duh.

2nd time was way worse. I was attacked by the most horrific wild animal of all of them: Douchebags. Be VERY wary of this creature. They can yeild their revenous heads at a moments notice.

Douchebags should not be allowed around me. I have too much negative muscle mass I’m willing to throw around coupled with a harsh vocabulary.

After 6 more hours of hell, wondering why I did this to myself… again. I was dunked in the piss infused water by douchebag #1. I would have cold-cocked him with my paddle…if he would have let go of it. And instead decided to punch/slap (it’s a skill) him in the face and call him an abomination… annnndddd then attack his lazy eye condition.

PERHAPS I reacted unfavorably.  I’m waiting for the court order.

And I think I was really just taking it out on Mother Nature and her silly existence in my once well furnished, temperature controlled, sparkling porcelain toileted, and technology ridden world.

 That bitch burned me, bit me, and dirtied all of me. (Speaking of dirty…why do people even bother taking showers while camping? Like it’s gonna help washing off the outdoors when you’re STILL IN the outdoors. It’s like wearing a maroon polyester suit to …anything… ever… unless you are Napoleon Dynamite. It’s a waste of time.)  

Nature had a round two waiting for me. I woke up to rain and seriously poor engineering of our tent. I was ready to NEVER enter nature again. And have never packed faster in my life. Thankfully, I wasn’t SERIOUSLY bit (due to my Lynus-esque cloud of bug spray and my ingenious ability to wear 6 layers including a hood, gloves and knee socks… in 90 degree weather)… but I was emotionally scarred forever. Again.

 And thus brings us to my declaration of an indoors only policy from now on. (I would rather be herding chickens.)

 Who’s with me??

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Your period is offending me.

20 Jun

What is the level of insanity with email and typing and text in which it is appropriate to lose one’s mind??

I just don’t get it.

Is it me just being emotional and all “female?” (I hate it when that happens… I must be ovulating.)  Or is there a serious misconnect within the world of interpreting text?

I feel like I can come across as successfully sarcastic, bitchy, and completely inappropriate with enough ALL CAPS, ellipses that go on for days, and the ingenious creation of the winky face. ; + )= 😉  BINGO! (I feel proud to be a human for that little tid-bit of creativity by someone of the same species.)

However, when I’m emailing/texting various suspects/victims in my daily life, there is a lack of icons to express emotions.  I feel like just a simple period (.) can drive me over the edge from completely cool and everybody wants to be me …to… WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? IS IT ME?!?! DO YOU NEED A CLASS ON THIS?!?! WHAT CAN I DO TO HELP?!?! DO YOU HATE ME??! WHERE’S THE XANAX?!?!  Innnn lesssss than .03 seconds.

I can be allll funny and pull out one of my best one-liners in text and all I’ll get out of some people is “ok.” Whyyyyyyyy is that period so hostile? and in case some of you didn’t know… lol means “haha you’re funny I’ll cut you a break and let you think you’re funny”… not “lots of lacking” in my freaking reaction …plus is it just me or does one “ha” bring about the insecurity of “wait… are they laughing with me or at me??” Either way, thank you Times New Roman for delivering the message. ERROR. Message Send FAILURE.

And man in texts sometimes if people overuse their periods or don’t give a smiley face, something super chill can be girl World War… the one after the last one. Or the relationship is OVER. Get your stuff.  Get out. I never want to see you again. And now I’m a lesbian. *sad face* THAT is one HOSTILE period.

It’s like there’s tone in the tone of your text even though text doesn’t know tone or lack of a tone that signifies the wrong tone that was intended.

Can’t we all just email and text all day long in love and thumbs up with lots of hearts and flowers?

I… most of the time… or 100% of the time…who’s counting…overdo all of the above and it’s like I’m not even speaking English… “Hey lol what are you doing lol I’m bored hahahahahaha 😉 😉 lmao 😉 Did you hear about that hurricane last night that destroyed the entire whale population?? poor whales lol. *thumbs up/ lot’s of hearts and flowers* lol. lol. lol. ” That =NO bueno either.

Just use that God given smiley face that he blessed our keyboards with, or use more than two letters in your response… and there is a thing called and “!” that can oftentimes exude excitement even if you are secretly lacking in laughter… which I doubt that’s possible… ever. 😉

And if you really do hate me. Thank goodness there’s a period for that.

Get me a baseball bat and Jennifer Aniston. STAT.

15 Jun

When did Office Space the movie become a reality in American workplaces? (And why aren’t we all as good-looking as Jennifer Aniston?!? Scam.)

 I’ve had more jobs than I’ve had haircuts and the more “experience” I get the dumber I feel and the closer I am to taking a baseball bat to the entire building… and then the world.

 When did people become so stupid??

We wonder why America is flailing and failing…

It might be due to the number of dumbasses in charge of the coffee pots and fax machines.

In my office we actually have TWO!!!! TWO!!!!  automated warnings (one at the top of the flight of stairs and then one at the bottom 16 stairs later in case you freaking forgot in the last 5 seconds) that tells you in a cheap Siri-style voice to watch your step and hold on to the railing as you pass… cause you know some fat idiot in ugly shoes freaking fell down the stairs and broke their face… and tried to sue… cause they didn’t want to admit… their shoes were ugly… and cause that’s what you do. Sue the bastards is the answer to everything these days. (Because we… naturally…LOVE unnecessary paperwork as an entire society. It’s in our blood. Passed down from the Viking generations… of the late 1200’s… B.C.)  

I have made a game trying to go up and down the stairs faster than the automated bitch can keep up with her warnings.

I have discovered all this is helping is to lift my ass …and up my dosage of crazy pills.

And don’t get me started with the printers and faxes and scanners! These pieces of crap are designed that way so the IT guy has something to do in between hacking into people’s computers to spy on what they had for lunch and listening to the New Kids on the Block Pandora station, dreaming of what could have been if he sang better and had less of a knack for ink cartridges and Microsoft Outlook tips.

Our printer is almost as fast as a 15-year-old tripping on acid trying to plow a field, plant corn, and watch it grow!

Almost.

I feel like we have all decided to just put up with all the shittiness because “hey!” there’s nothing better to do and those 8 hours a day aren’t gonna dick around themselves… might as well spend the time really making an impact on the world and bettering ourselves…

…one useless 60+ email chain at a time.

Hola Javier! Adios iPhone :(

17 Jan

After 6 trips to Vodafone… AKA hell on earth, 3 trips to sketchy Chinese shops…AKA phone hacker ninjas,  and one virgin scooter experience. I found that a) I have as much control over my head in a 10 lb helmet as a bobble doll (as I clanked heads with my friend and driver, Cristina, the entire 5 minute jaunt…that felt like 5 days… whilst I clutched her waist, tried to peer past the mass of hair glued to my face by anxiety ridden sweat and the infinite snug-ness of my Power Ranger inspired helmet, and attempted to pretend I was on a horse… “squeeze with your legs!”  I wish I had a friggin picture for the grandkids)  b) I am not meant to have a phone in this country and c) I am ENTIRELY too reliant on this thing called technology.

After surviving the scooter, my daily appearance at Vodafone, and two failed attempts at a Chinese-English-Spanish trifecta of language babble I found the holy grail of phone magicians in the form a Chin-Span speaking Asian boy with two moles on his face protruding a SOLID… and highly distracting… two inches of black pubic- esque hair.

We shall call him Javier.

After my initial excitement at the fact that my phone worked on 3G not just wi-fi coupled with Javier’s confidence that it would work, as well as the possibility of making a real live phone call I was suddenly horrified when plugging in my iPhone to my iTunes and finding… nothing. Nada. Blank screen. Alotta gray. And alotta messages saying neither my two sim cards existed.

Enter the smelling salts.

No, ok I didn’t pass out, but panic ensued and there is still a twinge of overwhelming and debilitating fear. It’s a fear similar to what I would imagine comes with being mugged or how I personally feel when there is no milk and I have already poured a bowl of delicious Lucky Charms.

Complete. Torture.

But why!?!?!

We are so turned on all the time that I think technology is becoming another of the senses. It’s the sixth sense… the cellular sense. If I don’t have a phone to check, something to post on Facebook, or a new YouTube video to watch, my life just isn’t complete. But it should be. I’m in one of the greatest cities in the world and I’m worried about being able to whatsapp my friends at home and check out the newest posts. I came here to live in the moment and I think this is a prime example that our generation doesn’t know how to live in the moment because we are too tuned into recording and sharing the moment. We want to be connected with the world so bad that we forget we are IN the world.

Regardless of my “aha” moment I still want my phone like I would imagine most prostitutes want their crack…

Javier, I will see you and your mole hair tomorrow!

The end of the (Facebook) world as we know it… again.

20 Dec

I really am not digging all the changes that are being made to Facebook.

Apparently this “timeline” business is the newest change to rock my world and send me into an ice cream eating anxiety ridden tailspin of the unknown… and set to hit a computer near you by the end of this week!

I need a Jeffrey and a fuzzy wall STAT!

Here’s a tip Facebook perhaps when people sign up for your necessary service, have a little survey asking them how well they take change on, how well they adjust to change, when change comes how they react…because right now I’m in search of 12 steps and a support group. Some of you, I know, are leaning out the window of your 30th floor office window, while others are preparing by stocking up the pantry in the equivalent fashion of Y2k.

Dear Facebook, I need to be eased into things … I’m working on my flexibility, but I just don’t like it. And can’t we just say that one change per fiscal year is adequate for you to keep your 200 billion dollar empire “cool” and “fresh”… just for the sake of my sanity??

I finally figure out the last change and all of a sudden its the end of the world and my life has been turned into a “timeline.”

Merry Christmas from your fancy friends at Facebook.  *facepalm

Baby it’s cold outside, but my coffee is hot, Hot, HOT.

14 Dec

 Pinterest I found the coolest thing ever… dudes listen up too.

Who hates cold coffee?

Everyone.

These little knick knacks lower your coffee heat to an appropriate temperature… that doesn’t scald your lips off while simultaneously putting your tongue out of commission for 2-20ish days… but they also keep your beverage warm and stable at the correct and pleasant temperature; keeping both lips and tongue in the desired condition… attached.

Yes please.

These little magic beans are called Coffe Joulies and they keep your coffee at the proper temperature for five hours, they last a lifetime, they can be used in any kind of beverage including hot chocolate and tea, and right now you can get 20% off of 5/$50. In my world $50 is a whole week of I’m broke as hell funds life budgeting, so you have to weigh the importance of your coffee experience with your wallet.

Where do you sign up??

HERE.

Holy Grail #3: Curl City

9 Dec

I’m a girl…Surprise!! 😉  So these ideas may or may not be girl driven. Depends on my mood, and where I am in the PMS cycle.

But today I must be feeling very estrogen-y because, Ta-da!, I have found THE eyelash curler to have in the entire universe! Thanks to my girl Katie… shout out.

I don’t usually curl my eyelashes… curlers seem to make them droopier as the day goes on (I’m working on a scientific way to prove this) and I have fairly long lashes to begin with, so no need, plus most curlers I use hurt to curl them and I fear they may rip the lashes out of my eyes and that shit takes 7 years to grow back!! No thank you.

It’s the Japonesque Go-Curl pocket eyelash curler. You can get it on Amazon for $12. (Best $12 I ever spent) You get an extra pad included and they replace your pads for the life of the product.

Trust me after 30 seconds of curl your lashes will be BEYOND sky-high, AND it lasts allllll day! I even washed my face, slept and woke up and my lashes were STILL curly. Additionally, it’s a nice ‘pick me up’ on those “no make up for moi” days. Talk about effective. And I know it works on everyone because a group of us with various lash lengths and types tested it out and it was effective on ALL of us.

Forget mascara that supposed to make your lashes lucious… this curler is all anyone ever needs. Ever.

Life. Changed.

Holy Grail Gift # Dos: Smart Travel

8 Dec

I’ve decided just to do the 18 days of christmas gifting… THERE ARE ONLY 18 DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS!… OMG!…WHERE’S THE SCOTCH TAPE!?!?! Get on it people!

Yesterday, I covered the Iphone juice pack… Today is for the traveler.

I am a girl… and I lift like a girl…and I travel like a crazy homeless person… and I pack like your typical woman with 12 imaginary kids + a very real shopping problem + everyone’s favorite must-have hoarding syndrome.

So yeah, when travelling, I’m that chick in line pulling out her underwear and perfume magazine samples to see if it will make her bag weigh less. Surprisingly neither underwear nor perfume magazine samples weigh as much as one would hope.

Also, I have figured out that weighing yourself… and then weighing yourself struggling to hold a 65+ lb suitcase… and hoping it’s really 49.999 lbs…. and the appropriate size to house 2+ hobbits… and all the while harboring both the muscle mass and balance of a toddler… isn’t as accurate as one would hope either. 

But recently while helping a close friend with the same packhorse syndrome open her wedding gifts I discovered the next ‘holy grail’ find! Yes, another one!

It’s the Balanzza Ergonomic Digital Luggage scale. What?!?!? You mean you just attach this handy little appliance that looks like a Wii controller to your suitcase and lift… and it gives me an accurate reading?!?!? Yes, that is exactly what I mean.

Sold. Sign me up. I’ll take 6.

 AND it’s only $20. AND you can get it at Wal-Mart. Who doesn’t love Wal-Mart?? Don’t answer that. I’m sure you can get it other places.

http://www.walmart.com/ip/pb-travel-Baby-Blanket/13017860

I know this is probably a well-known gadget for a lot of people. But hey now,  I don’t get out much.

“Your Iphone battery can die quicker than the hot girl in a horror movie.”

7 Dec

So Christmas is coming… in case you hadn’t been bitch slapped in the face with tinsel, ornaments, and jingle jingle bells yet. Which is impossible… unless you have a secret I don’t know about!!

However, many of you need to get on the cleaning up the Facebook profiles and underwear drawers for Santa’s pending visit. But in case you are leaning on the nice half of Santa’s list, or are naughty and need to buy something to make up for it, or are perplexed with one difficult recipient, I have found the holy grail of gifts!!

Thank you thank you… actually we should be thanking Pinterest… but more on that treasure chest of effective time waste management later.

Most people have an Iphone. We all know someone with one, and I think the most common thing I hear from Iphone users is “Damn it Autocorrect!!!” But the second most common thing I hear about Iphone’s is “Hey, you suck at Words with Friends and you have an Iphone right?…Wanna play??” But the third most common thing I hear about Iphone’s is “My phone is about to die!!”  This is most likely because people don’t want to talk to me… or because Iphone batteries suck.

I’ll pretend it’s the latter.

Soooo check out this little tidbit of fantastic…an Iphone key chain charger… specifically called the Juice Pack Reserve (from Mophie)… it’s under $50… way under $50… $35 to be exact… and I stole the blog title from the reviews… so if anything I’m providing you solid penmanship.

Why I didn’t think of it, is a travesty… but nonetheless, I have no shame in promoting the hell out of it.

http://coolmaterial.com/tech/juice-pack-reserve/

Merry Christmas… and now there’s no excuse for your phone “dying”…… ya whatever. 😉

AUTOCORRECT THAT!

18 Nov

Steve Jobs was awesome. We all saw something happening in him and in Apple and still can’t conceive what the full impact it will have on our world and the endless possibilities for centuries to come.

But what a way to go!

Jobs did something only the extremely blessed and genius can do… be known as a genius and innovator BEFORE he died, catapulting him to the similar AHHmazing level of Greek Gods,  lightbulbs, pop tarts, and Polly Pocket .

Nice jobs. 😉

But I have something to get off my chest. With all the genius that comes with the Ipads, Ipods, Iphones, Iwhatevers….and all the tweaks and updates that we all go through as loyal customers very routinely… what about tweaking the freaking predictive text!!!

If I have anymore  Camo tote cameltoe, preparing pregnancy, pissed hissed, duuuuude shatter, haircut hairycunts, snoring pooping, kitties titties, dumping jumping, fairy farts, or damn donuts showing up  in my initial conversations as well as the following 3-10 attempts at correcting myself I’m gonna FREAK. OUT.

I know that the prediction feature is supposed to “learn” the words you use… but I think I got the (dirty) Forrest Gump of Iphone “learners.” There’s even a chance it is haunted because it will change the word AFTER I hit send. Yay.  

At least I guess it provides a very funny outlet for those bored at work. Which of course doesn’t include moi…

This is a very serious and tragic issue affecting our society and people’s mental well-being. Attention needs to be paid!

PS I’m not ducking around.

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