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A pig, a bullfighter, and Hannbal Lecter.

15 Jan

Helllooooo MTV… This is my application for an amazing reality television show that would put “16 and Pregnant… and a Dumbass” to shaaame. I suggest we call my show “WTF is going on!?” and my Spanish spinoff shall be called “Que Pasa?!?! Que Pasa?!?!”

I am in Madrid and safe… but lordhavemercy I should have started learning Spanish before I left my mother’s womb. I have no idea what is going on most of the time and my jet-lag makes my mind lag worse than my sleep cycle. People look at me a bit strange but overall the biggest lesson I have learned thus far is… Julia Roberts made it look easy.

Bitch.

In true “Lauren crazy town” fashion (as if i didn’t have enough stalkers, crazy encounters, fumbles, and schizophrenics in my American life the force has decided to stay strong with this one abroad as well) I hit the ground running, traveling to Badajoz. Don’t ask me how to say that. But it’s what we in the Midwest would call the “country.” But this “country” across the pond is a little more… deadly.

We get there Friday night…after 6 hours of car sickness and a new shade of pale for my record-books…we get to see the pig… the next day I go back and I still see the pig… in a hundred pieces… but don’t worry… it’s head was still in tact… and it’s eyes… the eyes. They kill the pig (thank GOD I missed that, seriously), and then cook the pig, and then we eat the pig.

Lauren ate salad.

I thought I liked ham… but I didn’t understand. And sausage… I didn’t understand that either. They are making sausage… AT THE PARTY. And the smell … I REALLY didn’t understand that.

But so ok, the pig is dead… so what’s next… Horse riding! Yes that’s right I traveled thousands of miles to go to the country and watch people ride horses. Oh the irony. And even better bull fighting! Now the bullfighting is much different from the type I am very familiar with in America (due to the fact that my father has rodeo-ed my whole life) It was REALLY amazing, but perhaps I don’t understand what the point of it is OR that it didn’t matter because the bull fighter was cute…and he seemed interested… and he beckoned me over… and he didn’t speak ONE word of English. Nada. Not even “Hello” or “Hi” or “America.”

But don’t worry! because the engaged drunken Spanish guy the size of Napoleon knew enough English to let me know that 1)I had eyes like the sea and 2) my golden hair was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen and that 3) he would leave his fiance for me anytime I wanted… in front of her.

Needless to say the fiance had eyes like Hannibal Lecter and… I’m not sure due to the language… but I think I’m lucky I made it out of there and back to Madrid without joining ranks with the pig.

Perhaps I taste better? I’ll keep you posted. ūüôā

 

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Hawt Bathroom.

1 Dec

What is the fascination with Facebook + self-portraits + bathrooms. This combination is not a good one, but a popular one nonetheless that has caught on quicker than fashion dies here jeggings and the cancer kills microwave cake (which is surprisingly delicious BTW).

If¬†your “friends”¬†wanted to see your bathroom,¬†they would come over and ask to use it. I don’t need to see you shirtless next to a toilet flexing your muscles or sucking in your F.U.P.A. I can only imagine what happened 5 minutes before that photo-op… The possibilities are endless…and they most likely end with 1 or 2?¬†Gross.

If¬†the self-portrait¬†HAS¬†to happen, can’t someone¬†at least try¬†getting creative and start taking the narcissism¬†to a more classy level? Like self-portraits of yourself loading the dishwasher or posing in front of the fireplace or¬†toasting a strudel¬†or changing a lightbulb. At least then I know you either are¬†A) a neat and tidy self-obsessed person/photo-taker B)¬†a self-obsessed person/photo-taker with excellent taste in¬†instant breakfast¬†C) a self-obsessed person/photo-taker who is actively trying to achieve premium lighting or¬†D) a self-obsessed person/photo-taker who likes fire.¬†(Please, please let it be D!!!) ūüėČ

In any case ALL of those say way more than I’m a self-obsessed person/photo-taker who just took a crap and has¬†zero¬†to negative one million¬†decorating skills.

Thanks.

PS Turn the freaking flash off and tidy up the sink!

…and then put some clothes on a get a hobby.

Splitsville in Cougarcity.

17 Nov

So the rumors are true.

Talk about a fulfilling prophecy.

Shortly after taking on his new, playboy-esque role, Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore have announced their split.

Can I get an amen??

Maybe this will end the cougar obsession of middle-aged women. (One moment while I cross all my fingers… and toes)

Also, Ashton is a total douche, which he has most recently shown through Twitter and his half-ass job in reviving Two and a Half Men. (Which would be better with 1 1/2… or ZERO!)

And Demi, I’m convinced,¬†is a never-aging alien¬†who should just be put on display and dissected by scientists to understand her secret fountain of flawless¬†bikini-ness.

I can’t believe the Kabalalahahaha marriage counseling classes didn’t work.

Mazel Tov you two!

PS

Team Bruce all the way.

I AM Darth Vader… In my dreams.

28 Oct

So if you have an Iphone (you are a genius) or a Droid (eh, you’re ok too). But then¬†you know about the power of the App revolution¬†and how it can change your life (or control your life.)¬†One of the most life changing of all the Apps due to my personal and completely irrational¬†fear of ACTUALLY speaking directly to people is Heytell (which I think has only been available on the IPhone’s and Droids). Basically it’s like voice texting… or a walkie talkie of sorts… and you can even partake internationally.¬†I know. AHHHMazing!

But I would like to take it a step further.

Be prepared to be blown away and for the love of all that is techie… please steal my awesome idea and make this happen…or if it already exists I need the details!!

I think that for the Heytell app there needs to be a voice setting. This could also be applicable to the voice recording option to create lists and remind yourself of things and possibly the alarm clock.

When I say voice setting, I don’t mean a stupid voice setting…. like where¬†you can make yourself sound like your average run-of-the-mill serial killer¬†similar to in the Scream neverending franchise,¬†or baby talk, or valley girl, or¬†ANYTHING stupid and completely predictable¬†like that.

I mean I want the Darth Vader voice option to say “Man, Luke (insert real¬†friends name…unless it really is Luke, which makes the whole concept even more awesome), wasn’t that a crazy night. I was wasted!” Or use the¬†Stewie Griffith option to say “I am plotting your imminent death as we speak. I’ll keep you posted.¬†Let’s go get dinner.” Or perhaps Eddie Murphy that says “Bitch we need milk!” Or have the Austin Powers setting¬†to say¬†“Groovy Baby. What are you gonna wear tonight?”

The possibilities are endless… the humor is infinite…my ideas should envoke someone to give me holiday pay.

Jonah Hill: Not Skinny on the Laughs.

22 Sep

So move over Leno and¬†Letterman,¬†Late Night with Jimmy Fallon is hands down the¬†BEST late night show on TV. I may be biased because I have a¬†MAJOR crush on Jimmy and would be the leader of the Jimmy Fallon groupie movement starting… yesterday.

But for reals, come on! He has The Roots as his Late Night Band, the best celebrity games, and incorporates all the techie stuff very fluidly into his funny. And last night was no exception to the highlarious with Jonah Hill as his guest.

If you didn’t see it… A few things…

1) Jonah Hill is still freaking hilarious even though there is only 1/3 of him left. I think he’s lost like 3 million¬†lbs. Seriously ūüėČ

2) Jonah was promoting Moneyball which looks really, really good… I may be biased because baseball is my sport of choice… Oh yeah, and in case you hadn’t heard,¬†Brad Pitt is in it.

3)¬†Jonah totally slammed Matthew Morrison (You know that stupid guy… from that stupid little diva producing¬†show… Glee)¬†in the funniest way possible. YES!

If you missed it last night be sure to check it out here. You can thank me later.

Emmy’s 2011: Best Dressed

19 Sep

Not only does she has excellent taste in men, but she also does in style. She was my favorite dressed of Emmy night! Nice work Emily Blunt. She keeps getting better and better.

Also, a testament to the power of red this fall. It was by far the most popular color on the carpet and is THE hottest color for Fall, hands down!!

What would you do?

8 Sep

So, I recently experienced one of the most grueling interview processes known to man… which I failed… not shocking due to my overwhelmingly¬†AWESOME social skills and both pleasant and politically correct demeanor, as well as extremely non-existent love for alcohol.

Bwahahahaha. Just jokes.

But while I was speaking with these dozen (or 1200 dozen people it felt like) during this interview, one perplexing question was asked over half the time.

“Besides this job, if you could have any job in the world, ANY,¬†what would it be??”

You mean like a dream?? Haven’t you heard dreams were crushed simultaneously with the fall of the economy and the educational movement that a bachelor’s degree is the new High¬†School¬†diploma. Awesome. Plus,¬†I’m¬†still desperate for dental… and to move out of my parents house.

Dreams aren’t high on the list….

But thank you for asking.

And then I thought about it. What would I do if I could do anything in the whole world? And the answer: Well after I won the lottery, bought¬†my own¬†island, and went to the dentist…¬†I have no freaking clue.

And the more I thought about this the more I realized that we have totally become out of touch¬†with true¬†fulfillment and real aspirations¬†in this ever soul sucking… universe. Why? Because it’s not reality. Reality is 8-5 and then the real party starts at home when I’m too exhausted to¬†find something on¬†basic cable or to¬†cook anything¬†above two minutes in the microwave without a plastic film cover over it.¬†

But why¬†aren’t dreams more¬†reality?? The reality we are living in isn’t really making anyone all that happy it seems. People are going through the motions… not successfully, with the¬†unemployment rate. And perhaps the realistic dreams we have are just more soul sucking, but wrapped in a prettier package.

I think there needs to be more quests for who we really are, what we really like, and want we REALLY want to do.

People settle but why? We are all gonna die aren’t we?? And I don’t plan on taking anything with me… besides my Fendi¬†boots, winning personality, and hope for the next life that I come back as an overfed house dog¬†to a bajillionaire. ūüėČ

Perhaps we need more Eat, Pray, Love, and less “Well, since I’m here, it sounds fine.”

The most this question has taught me is that I know nothing about myself. Now what.

PS Still seeking employment… and dental.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills & BRAVO= Disgusting

30 Aug

So BRAVO is now at all time low in the books of morals that doesn’t seem to exist any longer. Russell Armstrong commits suicide, leaving the future of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills in a bit of a sticky situation.

But fear not!

Instead of taking the high road, middle road, or even the expected low-ish road and respecting the life of Armstrong, his family, and the situation, BRAVO has decided to take the greedy lowest of all roads and naturally profit on such a taboo concept.

Instead of NOT airing RHOBH, or at the very least trying to sort of¬†respect the situation and the family…¬†they are going to have a¬†SPECIAL?!?! episode with the reactions of the women regarding his death and focusing on what happened that fateful night.

I’ll be ashamed FOR them.

Puke me. My faith in humanity… and cable television¬†is no longer. But why would anyone expect anything more? ūüė¶

E! News Report

Popcorn and Candy: Straw Dogs

9 Aug

I’m not a fan of super scary, sorta scary, or slightly scary¬†movies… I have a very vivid imagination… and I think if a movie can be about something, then either a sadistic person thought of it, or it happened somewhere, sometime.

Buuuuut it’s Eric from True Blood… on the big screen…¬†yes please.

AND I really like Kate Bosworth. I dunno why… oh yeah, cause she has awesome style and I wouldn’t mind looking like her when I grow up… ūüėČ

See you September 16.

Crazy Is As Crazy Does.

28 Jul

In the world of dating there seem to be more and more crazy cards being played in “the game.” (Just more crazy cards in the world in general.)¬†¬†¬†And I cant help but wonder, should we be playing our crazy cards in the beginning or just like in the game of¬†Texas Hold¬†‘Em,¬†is there a “right” time to play them so¬†you win the game of dating?

And don’t lie everybody has their own little quirks that they don’t publicize to the general masses. Carrie Bradshaw’s from Sex and the City¬†was eating peanut butter and jelly on saltine’s while reading fashion magazines. That doesn’t count. I’m talking crazy-CRAZY. I’m talking like Hoarders crazy, or Intervention crazy, or Duggar family¬†crazy. If I’m dating someone that likes to eat Comet cleaning powder on the side, or has to sleep with a hair dryer on at all times, or is planning on birthing a small army… this is a deal breaker… and I would want to know up front… not¬†5 dates later…not 5 minutes later.¬†IMMEDIATELY. (and I want a 50 ft¬†head start when bolting.)

I think illegitimate children and crazy baby mama drama¬†are¬†things that require¬†a pin or some sort of label… or tattoo on their victims¬†foreheads…so if one is not down with it they can dodge the bullet before the gun is even shot!

Additionally, along with when to put it all out there and how honest to be, ¬†when it comes to dating and relationships¬†I think there should also be cheat sheets. Like little laminated cards with the main information so in case you forget, you have a reference. There’s a 100% chance I’m going to forget someone’s birthday. (Cut me some slack, everybody has one and there’s 365 day’s in a year.) Or how about where they went to school, or sibling names… it’s just too much for my brain to handle…

…or perhaps I’m not listening. ūüėČ

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