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I Hope You Brought Your Gloves

13 Feb

As Valentine’s Day is looming over our heads like a neon pink light of fury pointing cupid’s arrow to romantic cliched dooms-ville, when is the time to cut your losses and follow that light to the nearest bar… or decide to continue to fight for a love that may not exist except in Hallmark cards and on disgusting heart shaped candy messages?

Fights in relationships are a very common thing. So THEY say. (Yeah, I don’t know who “they” is either.) But when is fighting becoming less productive and more seductive? Is it the arguing that’s keeping the relationship exciting in a downhill crash and burn type motion… or is it really improving your communication and the nature of your relationship?

Should fighting be considered a normal sequence of events? And when should that sequence start? 2 minutes in? 2 months in? 2 years in? 2 decades in? 2 fifths of vodka in?

Is fighting a sign that you love each other and are working on the relationship… or perhaps is it a sign that this just isn’t working… and someone should be the bigger person, ultimately giving up the good fight?

Taking bets now.

AND should we put the gloves aside until February 14th is over for the sanctity of it? (Hahahahahahaha  No, that was a rhetorical question. How about we just realize it’s a day set aside for stress to come knocking on your door to present you with higher than achievable expectations.)

Happy Valentine’s Die Hard Day Bitches.

Kids Suck… but It’s Our Own Fault

7 Feb

ImageMy “man friend” (that’s what I call him because “boyfriend” is the most cliche and terrifying word to someone who is afraid of commitment… ever… FYI)  the other day was discussing having children … and once the smelling salts kicked in and I crawled off the floor and ingested a couple glasses of red wine… I got to thinking.

I started looking around at all the children and instead of scowling I tried to be unbiased. Key word tried. But honestly!! after paying attention to the coming generations… I’m not sure I want to live in this world much less bring in additional sufferers.

What in the hell are we doing to our children today?? When did this bullshit of everyone is equal and a winner come to fruition? I think NOT. Participation trophy’s and no child left behind and child services at every corner waiting to sweep your offspring to foster homes is completely out of control. In the words of Will McAvoy (if you haven’t watched HBO’s the Newsroom… you NEED to) America is NOT the greatest country in the world anymore and with great reason.

My parents hit me and you know what… I’m still alive! Ta DA! Sure it was unpleasant when it happened… But I don’t have any scars… not even emotional ones… those came from elsewhere. But you know what I do have? Respect for authority …and character. I would have hit me too. I was a nightmare from the ages of 3- 25. I still need to be hit most days. And you know what… I lost in team sports and my lack of ability to put one foot in front of the other left me to be the last person picked in dodge ball. I didn’t cry. I found something I was good at so I could feel proud of myself. I worked harder at things that I was mediocre at. I excelled in school because it set me apart from my peers. It gave me a niche. It made me work to feel a sense of accomplishment… What is that?!

This hand holding and coddling ridiculousness is creating a generation of pussies… yeah I said it PUSSIES…  who aren’t going to be able to take care of themselves, much less be contributing members of society. They are going to fill out a job application (if they can even think for themselves that far) work for two hours (if they can make it that long) and be waiting with their hand out for a golden trophy and a pat on the back.

YEAHHHH RIIIIGHHHTT.

This is not the world I want to be in much less bring someone else in it. I’ll hit my kid for saying ‘shit’ at the age of 3 cause they heard it on TV (or from me) and because they threw a temper tantrum in the supermarket cause I wouldn’t buy them a candy bar and a second Ipad … and then we’ll all be in jail.

No thank you.

I think I’d rather move to Mars. I hear it’s nice there.

Hey, Nice Couch

6 Feb

Image

They say in relationships what you put up with is what you will get.

When it comes to straddling the ever lowering fence of getting to know one another over dinner and theatre dates to being in a “normal” relationship how long should you climb?

When the beginning “dating” period is over and as a couple you are becoming more comfortable with one another when is the appropriate time to say “whatever” and give up on the planning and beautifying anxiety ridden preparations? I understand its the natural progression of relationships… but shouldn’t there be a little bit left for some in-public shenanigans?

As a female in America fighting for respect and any kind of romance or sparkle daily, when is the right time to give up the fancy fight and say f**K it… allowing your significant other to become ultimately lazy letting the “relationship” period pull its dark hood over your coupledom’s head?

Is this something to fight for? Or is it really just acceptable to waive your white flag and start making nightly dinners followed by Netflix movies and late night romcom’s followed by morning scrambled eggs?

As Valentine’s approaches I realize that oftentimes when you are “supposed” to be going out due to a national holiday… or hallmark coming out as a drug user of steroids… I wonder should we continue to expect someone to WANT to bring on the sparkle for all of time… or are sweatpants and takeout food just the normal sequence of events? I can’t help but want to fight the urge of such a thing known as comfort… just to keep the special. Perhaps if not avoiding the monotony of TV and couple supermarket trips means that you have made it in the quest of relationships and dating. Instinctly, I want to pull a mulligan and resign from the game. On this path… the only next logical move is farting in bed and tweezing each other’s eyebrows. Or perhaps, it is worth the fight to keep the fantasy… at least one night a week? As women isn’t that what it’s all about? Being single for most of my life, I appreciate the fun and glitter of dating and making plans and having something to look forward to.

However, if examining oneanother’s boogers and foot cramps really is the reality of the situation, I’d rather keep my reality to Keeping Up with the Kardashians and become a serial first dater… until I’ve reached Betty White status at least.

I guess thank gawd for Match.com and Ben and Jerry’s.

Here come the snuggies. *le sigh

The Sure Thing.

20 Dec

sure-thing-jbI was talking to an older widower the other day and she was trying to brainstorm how to meet someone and I suggested she go to a happy hour and she asked “but by myself?? I wish there was someone I could go with.” I suggested a woman in our office that was blonde, looked ten years younger, and could talk to a wall if it would engage her. She constantly smiled and I knew men would come over with the bait of the blonde chatty kathy, providing an opening for the brunette shy widower to make her mark with her humor and wits… This is called a sure thing.

My friend was not interested in going with this woman, but I don’t think she got the point of it.

Is it called taking advantage of people or simply just seeing an opportunity and taking it? If you know someone will help you out why wouldn’t you go for it immediately? It’s not selfish, it’s time management. Why beat around the bush… if you see someone chewing a piece of gum, why wouldn’t you ask them to have a piece… or someone wearing a watch what time it is? You wouldn’t ask the kid who is failing the class to explain the homework to you, amiright? I know I help people out in ways I don’t even know. One just has to be smart enough  to spot the opportunity and pounce. If you are smart enough to see something that will make your life easier, why wouldn’t you go for it? Someone would do the same for you.

I do, however, find this skill probably most similar to how serial killers choose their victims and married men target their mistresses… so proceed with caution and don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Don’t think if I have a flat tire (as a young female that usually wears heels and skirts) I don’t immediately target the burliest man with football playeresque stats to help me, completely overlooking to 90lb cheerleader? Duuuuuuh.

Everyone has skills and something to offer and I think picking out the sure thing is a compliment to them… usually. I’ll admit maybe I take advantage of this superpower ability to read people’s strengths and what I can get away with, but how else is a single girl with zero muscle mass and a negative bank account supposed to survive?

So let’s talk about first impressions.

13 Sep

My days on a college campus are several. And one thing that seems to be getting carried away is the lack of complete self-respect when it comes to presenting yourself in a positive light.

I realize sweats and gym clothes and flip-flops and UGGs (ugh) and generally looking like you rolled out of bed, are going through a divorce, your cat just died, or you have been swallowed into a vat of heaping depression is the “look” these days for most 18-22 year olds… and beyond on a campus. Congratulations. Reallll original. Said no one ever.

This trend is also seeping into daily life,  going out gear, and especially the go-to shopping uniform. But COME ON!

Do you realize that people make their first impression of you as a human being within the first 5 seconds of meeting you and that impression is based 90% on what you have decided to put on your body?

This is a SERIOUS issue that many young girls and boys (and older boys and girls… I do not discriminate based on age only outfits) are not taking seriously. Why would you want to put the impression out there that you are lazy, have zero taste, and generally have no respect regarding your appearance or the rest of the world that is going to have to see you? My eyes are burning!

Thus leading to an even bigger challenge of having to overcome that first impression in a future situation that you may want or NEED to be taken seriously or may be looking to benefit from the relationship. That hurdle to overcome a first impression is like a high jumper in the Olympics highest goal to overcome. And odds are you will be face-planting onto the pole nose first.

It is much easier to present yourself in a professional and adult manner in the beginning… and then run yourself into the ground by sticking your foot in your mouth or telling an off-color joke or bringing up politics later that will effectively ruin your image just as well (I have NO experience THAT whatsoever so don’t even ask…….)

People get it together. If you want to be taken seriously in a world where image is everything and jobs and future survival is not as easy as it looks on reality TV, you need to be taking the steps in daily life to set yourself up for networking and opportunities in the future. Pretty sure no one ever made it big with a sloppy bun and a hoodie sweatshirt. (Unless you put out… then maybe. 😉 )

Plus, if everyone is wearing the exact hideousness then how are you setting yourself apart from the crowd? Oh, wait, you aren’t. And no one is ever going to take you seriously or remember you. EVER.

Welcome to reality where the judgements are fast and harsh and the judges are around every corner.

Get me a baseball bat and Jennifer Aniston. STAT.

15 Jun

When did Office Space the movie become a reality in American workplaces? (And why aren’t we all as good-looking as Jennifer Aniston?!? Scam.)

 I’ve had more jobs than I’ve had haircuts and the more “experience” I get the dumber I feel and the closer I am to taking a baseball bat to the entire building… and then the world.

 When did people become so stupid??

We wonder why America is flailing and failing…

It might be due to the number of dumbasses in charge of the coffee pots and fax machines.

In my office we actually have TWO!!!! TWO!!!!  automated warnings (one at the top of the flight of stairs and then one at the bottom 16 stairs later in case you freaking forgot in the last 5 seconds) that tells you in a cheap Siri-style voice to watch your step and hold on to the railing as you pass… cause you know some fat idiot in ugly shoes freaking fell down the stairs and broke their face… and tried to sue… cause they didn’t want to admit… their shoes were ugly… and cause that’s what you do. Sue the bastards is the answer to everything these days. (Because we… naturally…LOVE unnecessary paperwork as an entire society. It’s in our blood. Passed down from the Viking generations… of the late 1200’s… B.C.)  

I have made a game trying to go up and down the stairs faster than the automated bitch can keep up with her warnings.

I have discovered all this is helping is to lift my ass …and up my dosage of crazy pills.

And don’t get me started with the printers and faxes and scanners! These pieces of crap are designed that way so the IT guy has something to do in between hacking into people’s computers to spy on what they had for lunch and listening to the New Kids on the Block Pandora station, dreaming of what could have been if he sang better and had less of a knack for ink cartridges and Microsoft Outlook tips.

Our printer is almost as fast as a 15-year-old tripping on acid trying to plow a field, plant corn, and watch it grow!

Almost.

I feel like we have all decided to just put up with all the shittiness because “hey!” there’s nothing better to do and those 8 hours a day aren’t gonna dick around themselves… might as well spend the time really making an impact on the world and bettering ourselves…

…one useless 60+ email chain at a time.

Run, Running, Ran.

12 Feb

You always hear about commitment being mostly a part of relationships (to be fair, usually women bitching about some dude). There are always excuses for a lack of commitment and a reason for why something isn’t working out. Commitment is always the revolving door in our love lives.

I think it runs much deeper.

What is it when you are a grown adult who cannot commit…to anything?

It’s like some sort of life-long crisis that has taken ahold long before you’re 40 when shopping for your first Camero, globettrotting, and collecting designer handbags instead of a savings account becomes much more acceptable. Oftentimes, it can be a fear of commitment to a home, to a location, to a person, to a weekend away, to a date, to a dog. What is it that runs within us that can keep us from going ahead and making a decision or not? Is it some internal radar deep inside telling us “no”? (personally, this girls’ “no”/”yes” radar needs an oil change and a time-out). Is it the fact of heading into something unknown and the fear that can accompany that? Is the commitment gene something that some people are born with and others not? Or is it simply just the fact that perhaps the neither the right situation nor timing has come along?

I think alot to do with it is that when we commit to something the possibility of taking our lives into a completely different direction is imminent. The people, the places, the time spent on things can completely shape our lives. But the older I get, and the more terrified of commitment I become with the simplest things, it makes me wonder if the lack of commitment is paralyzing my life into a self-fulfilled prophecy. By not taking the risks into the unknown, am I leading myself down the exact road I didn’t want to begin with?

Personally, I can’t commit to ordering off a fast food menu without having an inner  mental meltdown, much less to commit to a job for more than a year. Is this something that I need therapy for, or are the things that are needing a commitment just a matter of  finding real passion and acceptance?

The longer I run around the world, and men, and jobs I can’t help but wonder; is it “running,” or is my safe life passing by and time is just running out?

“Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.”

21 Dec

Of all the things I have never been, conventional is one of them. I never understood the socially accepted norm of get a job, work til retirement, then die…maybe have a couple kids and a couple marriages thrown in there… you know… whatever the wind brings you.

No thank you.

I was watching Eat, Pray, Love one day and it just occurred to me… Why is that women who get divorced and have a lot of money are the only ones that can afford to go searching for themselves in other countries and in exciting places or shake up their lives to discover the real meaning of their existence? I’m 26 and I’m just as lost as some 40-year-old divorcee. And of ALL things, the money issue should NEVER hold back anyone. If there is a will there IS a way. I know how to save up money (thanks to very understanding and loving parents) and live on nothing to get myself somewhere that I think would help me grow as a person, expand my understanding of the world, and help me to find myself (Really, isn’t that more important than cars and houses and designer labels?)

And that is exactly what I plan to do.

Constantly you hear people talk about “oh, I want to this…” and “I need to do that some day.” Well guess what, you may not have “someday,” but we all have today.

In 20 days I embark on a journey starting in Madrid to find myself, to defy the norm, and to bring about an adventure that cannot let me down. No one ever says “I really regret going to Madrid,” or “I really regret seeing the world.” So that is exactly what I plan to do.

Hello world I am coming for you… again (maybe it will stick this time.)

I’ll admit embarking on the unknown and doing it independently without a real plan or anyone to hold your hand is the SCARIEST thing I have EVER done… and this isn’t my first rodeo (literally 😉 ) But the rewards thus far are immense even leading up to D-day, and the growth to come I know will be endless.

Of all things I am most proud of in myself  and that I hope for others to understand in their own existence is to never settle. Settling leads to regrets and unhappiness… and becoming a divorcee.

Don’t settle in men, don’t settle in love, don’t settle for friends, don’t settle in work, and don’t settle in your set life.

Comfortable is easy, but real “life begins at the end of your comfort zone.”

Where are you on the comfort scale? As the new year approaches, what could be a better time to assess your life and start living?

You will never regret it.

Where is my RV dammit?!@

25 Oct

I'm guessing that elephant definitely doesn't want to hug-it-out.

Who created jobs?? I think it dates back to the asshole that created money and then said “you have to work for this green stuff and it’s the only way you can buy things to survive.”

I call bullshit.

But like good students we all took it to the extreme and started things called careers, and then figured out that these careers can make LOTS of money after LOTS of time invested…

… and then we all lost our souls.

Why are people so obsessed with careers and social status through those careers? You know what job I want?? I want to be given an RV and just drive around the United States of America seeing everything I possibly can, eating out of a microwave and a tin can, and sleeping on a futon that serves multiple, magical purposes. (This may also be called vagabond.)

In a perfect world (*sigh)

I think that if anything this recession is proving how completely reliant we are on a society that has been created on making money rain and using more than we need… of EVERYTHING. It’s an idea that’s all in our head… and our egos. 

People are freaking out cause they don’t have jobs, and nice cars, and sweet vacay packages, and mansions to call home, and are living with their parents. But who cares? And thank God we have parents, right? Who cares what other people think? Take advantage of what little has been put in front of you and find something that will put a smile on your face, not just a check in the bank.

I understand there needs to be a happy medium and realistically it does take money to survive, but the survival shouldn’t be focused on the amount of money or the status, but perhaps on the amount of love. Love comes from passion, human interaction, and, well, love. Money isn’t gonna show up to your funeral, or pick you up when you are down, or hug-it-out when inevitable meltdowns ensue.

I wanna be the next Mike Roe, but instead of Dirty Jobs no way in hell I want temporary jobs. I wanna just move around, work for a bit, make impacting relationships, help where I can, and move on. There’s no formula that says a title or savings account makes you and your productivity in this world any greater. Many of us may have one major stated on our college diplomas, but have a lot of different skills that can be utilized for the greater good.

Perhaps if we find we need “things” less, we will find more happiness in the experience, less stress without a title, love with what and who we have now,  and the understanding that until you are starving in Africa dying of AIDS, it could always be worse.

Please. Leave. A. Message. LEAVE A MESSAGE!

27 Sep

I have a job. Luckily for me at this job I get to take voicemails for a lot of other people from “customers”. And the two life lessons learned from this task are…1) people are crazy, and 2) they don’t know how to leave an effective voicemail.

There is no sense in leaving a voicemail if you cannot follow the following steps. If any of these seem like a problem for you, just hang up.

1) Enunciate Yeah that’s right. Enunciate. Look it up in a thing called a Dictionary. Some guy named Webster can get you a copy.

2) Just because YOU know your number, doesn’t mean I do. People leave the SLOWEST messages, but when it comes to leaving their number its like their privates have caught on fire and they have to get the heck out of Dodge before they have time to leave their 7 digit phone number in a manner that can be understood.

3) Don’t call in a rage of anger. If you are angry do a bout of yoga before you decide to use the technology of the voicemail as your next therapy session…or at the very least breathe for ten FULL seconds and then warn me at the beginning of the message that I need to do a bout of yoga before taking this message.  No one cares about your venting, especially when you are still calling me names ten minutes into our “session” (and I’m just the messenger! you never know who will actually be hearing your lamenting)… PS I charge $100 + a grande Starbucks an hour. 

I swear I am not joking. I listened to this voicemail for 9 WHOLE minutes and the chick had managed to call me every name under the sun, call both her kids every name under the sun, scream at me, scream at her kids, cry, apologize for crying, laugh, cry again, and hang up on me before leaving her call back number.

This brings me to my next point.

4) Leave a call back number. How in the world is anyone going to accomplish anything if there is no way to contact you!?!?

5) Don’t be crazy. I get it we all have our crazy days, moments, occurrences… some have crazy lives 24/7. Don’t bring it into the voicemail. You can be mean, intense, matter of fact, but if you’re gonna pull the crazy card just go ahead and hang up. People wanna call a crazy person back about as bad as they want needles stuck in their eyeballs and raw chopped liver for dinner. Play it sane for 30 seconds (pretend like it’s a game and you haven’t just escaped from a mental institution) and then feel free to proceed with the continuous instability immediately following…or call the nearest mental institution and get yourself checked out.

6) Keep it short. I understand that your life timeline is very interesting… to you. But my Cisco telephone would like to request that what you had for breakfast, why your kid was conceived, how much you slept last night, or how your dog is your best friend be left out of the voicemail “situation.”

Name, first AND last, phone number, and like 7 words (TOPS) describing why your calling is really all that needs to be “discussed”. Details can be hashed out when a live person can understandthewordsthatarecomingoutofyourmouth.

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