Tag Archives: America

Kids Suck… but It’s Our Own Fault

7 Feb

ImageMy “man friend” (that’s what I call him because “boyfriend” is the most cliche and terrifying word to someone who is afraid of commitment… ever… FYI)  the other day was discussing having children … and once the smelling salts kicked in and I crawled off the floor and ingested a couple glasses of red wine… I got to thinking.

I started looking around at all the children and instead of scowling I tried to be unbiased. Key word tried. But honestly!! after paying attention to the coming generations… I’m not sure I want to live in this world much less bring in additional sufferers.

What in the hell are we doing to our children today?? When did this bullshit of everyone is equal and a winner come to fruition? I think NOT. Participation trophy’s and no child left behind and child services at every corner waiting to sweep your offspring to foster homes is completely out of control. In the words of Will McAvoy (if you haven’t watched HBO’s the Newsroom… you NEED to) America is NOT the greatest country in the world anymore and with great reason.

My parents hit me and you know what… I’m still alive! Ta DA! Sure it was unpleasant when it happened… But I don’t have any scars… not even emotional ones… those came from elsewhere. But you know what I do have? Respect for authority …and character. I would have hit me too. I was a nightmare from the ages of 3- 25. I still need to be hit most days. And you know what… I lost in team sports and my lack of ability to put one foot in front of the other left me to be the last person picked in dodge ball. I didn’t cry. I found something I was good at so I could feel proud of myself. I worked harder at things that I was mediocre at. I excelled in school because it set me apart from my peers. It gave me a niche. It made me work to feel a sense of accomplishment… What is that?!

This hand holding and coddling ridiculousness is creating a generation of pussies… yeah I said it PUSSIES…  who aren’t going to be able to take care of themselves, much less be contributing members of society. They are going to fill out a job application (if they can even think for themselves that far) work for two hours (if they can make it that long) and be waiting with their hand out for a golden trophy and a pat on the back.

YEAHHHH RIIIIGHHHTT.

This is not the world I want to be in much less bring someone else in it. I’ll hit my kid for saying ‘shit’ at the age of 3 cause they heard it on TV (or from me) and because they threw a temper tantrum in the supermarket cause I wouldn’t buy them a candy bar and a second Ipad … and then we’ll all be in jail.

No thank you.

I think I’d rather move to Mars. I hear it’s nice there.

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Crazy for the sex. Hold the mace por favor.

30 Jan

Hola, Trunchbull.

So after breaking the 2.5 week mark in scintillating Madrid I have realized some very important… points.

Mace isn’t legal everywhere. Apparently it is illegal here, but  somehow my savvy packing skills got me into the country armed and dangerous. Many of my friends here in Madrid think I’m crazy for bringing it, think  it looks like breath spray, and think that I’m a badass. ;)Alternately, some of my friends from home in the States have asked me if I brought a gun… you know just to be safe… and so I can go for target practice at a moments notice I assume.  The difference leads me to believe either a) America is the most dangerous country in existence b) Americans are highly untrusting and anxiety ridden or c) it’s just much safer in Europe. I think it’s all of the above.  However, If you are an official reading this… don’t worry the mace is destroyed and gone. If you are my mother reading this… don’t worry the mace is secure and in my daily possession.

I guess we’ll never know.

“Men are crazy for the sex.” I meet girls and one of the first things they say is “Can you speak Spanish?” and the second “just so you know men here are crazy for the sex.” My reply is I think that’s pretty common in every country of the world. If you are male and have working male parts it doesn’t matter what language you speak, you are crazy for the sex.

Noted.

People are super freaking nice. People here once they get to know me and realize I’m not addicted to fast food, are relieved I’m not 300 lbs and realize that I’m neither a political or religious fanatic, will go above and beyond ALWAYS to help me with whatever I need. Random encounters are a bit different, but anyone that has some sort of relationship with me redefines nice on a daily and non self-serving and judgement free basis.

Some Americans should take note.

If there’s a will there’s a way… to find Skittles. One of my students…realizing that I was in a bit of a culture shock meltdown… took me to the American store, and I can’t tell you how relieved I was to see the boxes of Duncan Hines cake mixes and individual wrapped bags of Skittles. Turns out root beer is an acquired taste…as his polite demeanor tried not to spit this NOT beer in my face… but Reese’s peanut butter cups are loved by all… similar to men and the sex.

Sugar high. Check.

Transvestites CAN be found. Transvestites are one of those amazing enigmas that I cannot figure out. You NEVER have to go looking for them they just exist like oxygen and toilet paper. It’s fascinating. And each one is so unique. Just the other day on my way to class I encountered a transvestite with a butt crack up to where her back boobs started. After feeling an enormous twinge of sympathy for her… errr his…. it’s… jeans, I realized that if transvestite aren’t bringing the “party” at 8 am, they definitely bring the topic of conversation for a later time with friends…strangers…or at the occasional work party.

Butt crack. Check.

Old men love me. No matter what country I’m in if you are male, over 50, and crazy for the sex. You love me. My father would be so proud. Let’s hope when I’m 50 and looking for my 3rd husband this still stands… but I’m going to guess I won’t be that lucky and I’ll be fighting off the 80-year-old eyes.

Thank goodness for mace.

The Trunchbull entereth. I’m a big girl in America. I’m a giant in Spain. It’s bad enough that in my mind I’m an Olsen twin (I think I can, I think I can) but the women here are super petite… and beautiful… and I don’t think they understand the word diet… these traits are synonymous with the men too. Yay. I need to find the country where all the tall, big-boned people live and make camp. Every time I walk into a place it’s noticed. The tops of people’s heads and wearing flats are really getting old. I’m also tired of people telling me “Wow, you’re really tall.” Yes, thank you. How perceptive of you. I’ve never heard that one before.

I’m a giant. Check.

Magnum Gold

26 Apr

Magnum Coffee

If you haven’t had Magnum then you haven’t been living. Magnum ice cream that is.

This ice cream is solid gold (and yes you may be thinking isn’t that a condom brand?? and you are right!). Except this Magnum is orgasmic… for your taste buds… and finally in the states! Rachel Bilson is in the new ad for the ice cream’s launch in America and get excited! She makes it hot and the ice cream will cool you down. 😉

This literally is the BEST stuff out there and I always wished I could get it across the pond and now we can… just in time for summer! My favorite is the white chocolate or the Magnum Gold. They may not have made it here yet, but hopefully they will be coming to America Eddie Murphy style. It seems as though only the Classic Magnum is available currently (I know bummer, but support the brand and hopefully we will get all the delicious flavors) and you can purchase it at Wal-Mart… Does it get any better?

Oh wait, yeah it does.

The advertisements starring Bilson are part of a series directed by … you’ll never guess… Karl Lagerfeld!!

Ice cream has never been so fashionable… and sassy!

My day is made. The end.

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