Tag Archives: Dating Assholes

Cursed From the First.

5 Oct

When it comes to dating and being single these days, the road is a rocky one. Full of lack of effort, lack of respect, and a series of trainwreck ends that would put any Grey’s Anatomy story line to shame. Though there may not be pieces of wall through the abodem, severed legs, or lightbulbs lodged in a brain that was unknowingly suffering from Alzheimer’s, there are still scars left when the all-too-familiar story of relationships go awry. Though hearts are strong and can handle much bullshit (I know this for a fact), the effects can be long-lasting and sometimes the scars never heal.

Even just one love blow can have life-long side effects.

So when someone comes along that doesn’t want to cut your heart out, chew it up, and then find a more “meaningful situation” 5 seconds later; how is a victim of constant love-torture supposed to take it with a straight face?

When someone who wants to date you, presents you with a confident, sincere, and respectful version of what you’ve only seen in the movies; how does one not just slap their face, pour a bucket of ice water over themselves, and run screaming away because they are 1) DEFINITELY imagining things, 2) they are DEFINITELY on their way to 100% crazy, 3) they’re definitely thinking this one is the same… it’s just gonna hurt worse, and 4) it’s definitely Alzheimer’s.

It’s like the Hunger Games but WAYYY too many players to watch out for, and way too few bows and arrows.

Ok, their (me. I mean me.) brains might need a literal lightbulb to the head.

When someone actually has their shit together, knows what they want, aren’t scared of feelings, and are actually a good person, I can’t help but continually peer over my shoulder waiting for the other shoe (most likely an iron-toed workboot in a male size 18) to drop and put me into a heartbreak coma.

Yeah, this means that I’m crazy and cannot deal with what I don’t know (Which is assholes. ALL assholes). However, perhaps dealing with assholes ISN’T normal, and a respectful man is just that.. a man. Not a boy. And THAT  is normal.

Either way normal is completely subjective to each person.

AND a good solid helmut is always a good idea.

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The Asshole Knows Not What He Does.

3 Aug

Ok, I’m fixing to maybe make many of you mad. Make many eyes roll. Make many couples feel sorry for the singles. And make many older people say “oh, how young and dumb they are”… But don’t… and if I haven’t already had this effect on you… you aren’t reading my blog enough.  

I have a close friend who is probably the best pep-talker on the planet. Not because she is sweet and uplifting. But because she tells it like it is, gets straight to the point, includes both rationality and logic, doesn’t believe in bullshit, and encourages an open mind.

She sent me this the other day amidst our constant lamenting about the suckiness of dating and men. It’s cool, we can be bitter. (And fairly, the past three years has proven no reason for anything less.) If you find yourself in the same sinking ship, here is a reason not to be bitter and why not to be.

I think she should write a book, but she just laughs.  This is the best thing since that book (and movie) “He’s Just Not That Into You” but more my style… shorter, empowering, and completely lacking in emotion. In the words of Oprah here is my “AHA moment.”

“What I think is interesting about all men, is they’re all assholes…until they fall in love. And it’s amazing to me how much of a change there is. Almost every single guy I’ve met, ones with and without girlfriends, have significant examples of asshole moves from the past. I don’t know why that is…I don’t know why their moms, or society, or whoever nurtured them in a way to think that’s ‘ok’ didn’t show them otherwise. But that is the way it is.
 
I know this couple, Chloe and Tom (all names are changed, duh). They have been dating for about a year, and he was telling me he knew immediately he wanted to marry her. Chloe was moving to NYC the week they met, had a job and everything, but decided to stay on a whim when she met Tom. They moved in together 4 months after that and have been living together since then. Chloe was telling me how one day they sat down to aggregate all the people they’ve both slept with, and how the list was so long. And I bet you there are a million girls on that list who got treated like shit by Tom, who, to me, is the epitome of what a committed man looks like, that any of us would want in a relationship. The transformation is amazing. What I am trying to get at, is I’m sure any one of those women he got with were suitable and good girls, I bet many of them were beautiful, but Tom wasn’t ready and so they all got screwed over. That system sucks, yes, but what is comforting about knowing that there is a system is this: we all get upset when it doesn’t choose us because we take the exclusion personally. We get down on ourselves because, consciously or subconsciously, we think there was something about us or about the other person that is somehow dysfunctional. And the thing is (that I think makes it easier on all of us) is that other girls just weren’t right for Tom. It is (almost) nothing personal.
 
I am not denying that men aren’t assholes, but what I am implying is that they, like Tom once did, live under a system of subconscious principles that exclude and mistreat (and therefore isolate) all girls who are not “that one” (whether for marriage or simply a long term bond). And in the case of long term bonds, they also isolate the person once the long term bond is over. They are somehow conditioned to act this way, and it’s bigger than they are. What is interesting about the wisdom with age and the meaning of long term bonds post-breakup is that at least the men all shed light on the fact that they did something wrong, whereas others would just never admit fault at all. The behavior doesn’t change, because it’s systematic, but the awareness of it does as they get older. They’re just simply not acting from consciousness, and even if they were, their behavior wouldn’t be different because the system works in their favor.

I get that women can be angry about the facts that a dude stood you up and didn’t say anything about it, and that you weren’t looking for marriage or anything serious and they assumed you were, but what I am saying is it doesn’t matter what you were or were not looking for, and wanted or didn’t want, because it’s not about you. It’s about where that dude is at in his life, and moreover it is even bigger than that in the sense that they are all part of a subconscious set of guiding principles (and lack thereof) that only some of us have the capacity to observe and understand. But we can’t blame people for something they cannot see, even if it is hurtful for us. 
 
I am so confident now that when I see something working between people, it works because it is just there. It is that simple, and it is not something that we can explain. And when it doesn’t work, it’s just not there, and that is not something we can explain either. People’s feelings are something that is so crazy and irrational, but most of us are not taught to explain those feelings, or the lack of them, to the people who cross our paths. And that’s where we hurt others. It’s hard not to take things personally, but most of the time it really is just about the fact that something just didn’t click in the irrational part of the second person’s brain. I think that’s an easier explanation to accept, and I think an honest one too.
 
The behavior is unacceptable, but is part of a systemic fault, and something bigger than the person. Most of us aren’t conscious actors in this life. There is something much bigger for you [all of us] in this world.”

AHA.

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