Tag Archives: dating

Hey, Nice Couch

6 Feb

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They say in relationships what you put up with is what you will get.

When it comes to straddling the ever lowering fence of getting to know one another over dinner and theatre dates to being in a “normal” relationship how long should you climb?

When the beginning “dating” period is over and as a couple you are becoming more comfortable with one another when is the appropriate time to say “whatever” and give up on the planning and beautifying anxiety ridden preparations? I understand its the natural progression of relationships… but shouldn’t there be a little bit left for some in-public shenanigans?

As a female in America fighting for respect and any kind of romance or sparkle daily, when is the right time to give up the fancy fight and say f**K it… allowing your significant other to become ultimately lazy letting the “relationship” period pull its dark hood over your coupledom’s head?

Is this something to fight for? Or is it really just acceptable to waive your white flag and start making nightly dinners followed by Netflix movies and late night romcom’s followed by morning scrambled eggs?

As Valentine’s approaches I realize that oftentimes when you are “supposed” to be going out due to a national holiday… or hallmark coming out as a drug user of steroids… I wonder should we continue to expect someone to WANT to bring on the sparkle for all of time… or are sweatpants and takeout food just the normal sequence of events? I can’t help but want to fight the urge of such a thing known as comfort… just to keep the special. Perhaps if not avoiding the monotony of TV and couple supermarket trips means that you have made it in the quest of relationships and dating. Instinctly, I want to pull a mulligan and resign from the game. On this path… the only next logical move is farting in bed and tweezing each other’s eyebrows. Or perhaps, it is worth the fight to keep the fantasy… at least one night a week? As women isn’t that what it’s all about? Being single for most of my life, I appreciate the fun and glitter of dating and making plans and having something to look forward to.

However, if examining oneanother’s boogers and foot cramps really is the reality of the situation, I’d rather keep my reality to Keeping Up with the Kardashians and become a serial first dater… until I’ve reached Betty White status at least.

I guess thank gawd for Match.com and Ben and Jerry’s.

Here come the snuggies. *le sigh

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So feelings huh?

18 Dec

how-i-feel-when-funny-picture-1506When finding yourself in a new relationship and realizing you are not just rusty you’re completely inept, how does one catch up in the game of feelings? Apparently these things are supposed to be able to be verbalized and spoken………. but whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy? Is it like if you break the ice then there’s a flood of feeling spewing from your mouth like the Niagara Falls of emotion or are you supposed to chip away at it like a 5,000 foot wide log with a dull fork and a knife. Either way it seems painful, and a lot of work.

Whats the big deal really? Communication? What a silly concept… no one ever got anywhere COMMUNICATING right? Why can’t we all just telepathically stare at each other and understand what the other is feeling? Excuse me while I disappear into my much-needed invention laboratory.

I think it’s all just really overrated, which is why I’m more single than not. Ok, I just really need to find a personal tutor and multiple books on tape on the subject. Do they have Rosetta Stone for relationships?

I think social media has not only revolutionized how we communicate, but stunted our voice on the matter. You can say a lot through just posting a relationship status or tagging someone in a photo followed by hearts, but in real life face to face (or even copping out on the phone or in text) I feel like there is a missing link to my brain (okaayyyyyyy maybe my heart, blah blah blah) and my mouth. I even tried writing a letter… like with my hands and a pencil and I had no opinions…I was like the first caveman of the english language…yeah…I know… anyone here a doctor??  WHERE IS MY KEYBOARD!?

But seriously, when one has the emotional capacity of a nat and the attention span to go with it when  attempting to discover trust and truth in a relationship in the 21st century, how does one make feelings become words and not just inner obsessive compulsities? When is the right time in a new relationship to actually use your words and stop with the charade?

“All the Boys to the Yard”

24 Sep

So what is up with the age-old expression of “when it rains, it pours?”

It’s freaking true… and it’s drrrrrriving me nuts.

I’ll spend 9 months sitting on my couch eating Cheezits  and whipped cream out of the can,  crying into my Facebook wondering if this so-called person they call “cupid” is real and whether or not I should write a literature review on the very significant reason he DOESN’T have a soul and BAM!… out of nowhere comes dudes crawling out of the woodwork.

Like all of a sudden I’ve found my fairy godmother and her food stamps ran out and she got forced off unemployment.

BACK IN BUSSSIINNEEESSSSSSSSSS!

And as soon as it came, being entertained on an hourly basis is ripped from under me and all of a sudden instead of having someone to help open the wine for me, I find myself just smashing the top off hoping I don’t die from glass shards in between sobs. Ok maybe too much… I have my thirties for those shenanigans (It’s the little things in life to look forward to).

Perhaps it’s like a thing where women cycle on a yearly basis and men can smell out desperation. Or perhaps it’s the fact that as a single woman you can only take so much and you give up on men, completely morphing into an awesome replica of Angelina Jolie in Wanted and the boys just can’t take your badassness and must have more (or are scared of taking a bullet through the head on a hormone fueled angry woman-on-the-edge-rampage). Or perhaps it’s just freaking ANNOYING.

I don’t need 10 million dates in one week. Pressure like that will make any woman keel over and pull the blanket over her head, claiming limerance (my smart friend taught me that word… it’s a real thing.). I’m not looking for an okcupid kind of time. You know where creepy first dates abound and hysteria ensues with naked pizza eating at midnight after your “free meal of torture” I don’t know this from personal experience, oooofff cooooouuuurse.

I would just like a date maybe once every 6 weeks to three months to keep me wanting… to live.

This over kill and then drought (which conveniently comes during wedding season, the holidays, and when I’m feeling fat and ugly) is messing with my head. I’ve started wanting to do my own blood and hormone tests to see what’s different, or keep a food diary of the types of potato chips I’m eating… I must be sweating bar-be-que Lays this week which is why all the boys are “coming to my yard.”

The bigger issue, though, is how is it that at 27  with my shit in a pretty neat pile am I still validated by the fact that boys “think I’m pretty and want to date me?” In the last 6 months I’ve JUST decided I might want to date me… and maybe have REAL goals… and MAYBE want to GET IT TOGETHER (haha just kidding)…oh wait… maybe that’s it.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Nah, it’s definitely the potato chip sweat.

When did watching something die become romance?

12 Sep

ImageSo call me jealous.

Call me crazy.

Call me maybe? (I deserve to be put down for that)

Call me whatever you want.

Just say it behind my back, please.

My new roommate seems to have magical ways with the men that are blowing my mind and getting me to thinking (yeah, I’m thinking, now IS the time to panic.)..It may be that the guys are all real young and desperate… or drunk (see previous post) OOOOR it may be her Swedish accent…whhhhooooo could ever know?!?… either way the girl is pulling in a plethora of arrangements from “gentleman callers.”

As each day passes with a new bouquet, I started to wonder when did flowers become a thing to show affection??

Think about this realistically.

You are KILLING something to WATCH IT DIE.

You could just save your $20 dollars and leave nature in all its beauty and glory and wonder and… too much??

“SAVE THE FLOWERS!”

I was there once… young and thinking that the only way I thought I would discover affection was through foliage and gold and jewels. (Silly, silly Lauren)

Don’t get me wrong… I’m still on the jewelry train. Now and forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and……………….

But flowers are so overpriced and so useless and depressing. In three days they will be a dried up memory.

Most the times the arrangments are ugly anyways…depends on the grocery store or gas station of choice of course 😉 Plus, the dude has a 10% chance AT BEST of nailing the specific females’ flower, color, arrangement, scent, size, and vase of choice. Not the best odds. Personally, I don’t know ANY names of flowers but roses…………. and ummmmmmm tulips are a thing right? I can’t imagine what a man is thinking in the flower section. I bet they sweat alot and just give up, cover their eyes, and point. Seems legit.

However, I have had LOTS of conversations with other girls discerning the meaning of each type of flower and what their names are and what family they belong to and what event they are most suited for and what color and what size and when they come in season… and I definitely blacked it all out. Best. Skill. Ever.

When as women was this expected as a sign of admiration? Or when as men did this become a go-to idea?

Why can’t useful things be the new token of affection?

It IS 2012 and the new Iphone5 is out. Come on people, we should be updating our relationship habits with the times.

Like maybe show up to the door with a favorite DVD (you can get those for $5..and they last FFFFORREEVVEERRR… can you say S-T-E-A-L?), or tickets to a show, or pre-bought candy to sneak into the redicuously overpriced movie theatre, or booze is ALWAYS appropriate, or I’m in school… I can always use a USB (just make sure it’s pink and sparkly, DUH)… put some funny pictures on it or burn some music, or I mean…

Just hand me a $20 bill instead of flowers and the gifts just Keep. On. Giving. amiright??? This girl can always use a tank of gas and I’ll think of you every mile of the way. 🙂

One Question: Do you have one? And how many? And where is the nearest Chili’s? Ok that’s three questions.

11 Sep

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So It has been a while. My bad. But I’m back… for now.

I am now settled and being productive… in hell… aka middle America… and don’t worry, it IS as terrible as it sounds.

However, one thing that comes with living in a college town, specifically one in the middle of nowhere (it’s like they dug this hole and let 20,000 hormone ridden zombies loose because that was the only sensible place to contain them all where they couldn’t hurt…anything but cows and corn) is the fact that the men are boys, and there is no way to escape them.

They. Are. EVERYWHERE.

Little 18 year olds with huge egos and a lack of alcohol poisoning knowledge. Every Thursday- Friday it’s like WWIII and they start dropping like flies at 9 pm being carried out like wounded soldiers by their equally inebriated friends… “I’m ready to Paaaarrrrrtttyyyyyyyyy”. (Figure out how to hold your liquor or just stay home children. Hasn’t anyone heard of a rally puke?? 😉 GET IT TOGETHER!!)

The one good thing about being surrounded by teenagers is that they are too dumb to realize that you,  in fact, are not a teenager yourself (every time I get mistaken for 19… yeah that’s years-old… I can’t help blushing and wanting to laugh hysterically while simultaneously pinching their cheeks…they’re just so adddoorrraaabbbllleee) thus leading to being constantly carded for dates that one should NEVER go on anyways…The worst date I ever went on was to Chili’s where the man of the hour used his hands to shovel sour cream onto his tacos.

I was 18.

At 27 I would have shrieked and ran and taken at least 15 scalding hot showers and a minimum of 5 sessions of therapy.

Been there. Done that.

I digress.

Besides finding the fountain of youth in idiocy I have also discovered a growing trend that perhaps needs to be a new question box on Match. com. “Do you have any DWI’s?” And even more important “HOW MANY?!?!”

The first question holds a good chance that about 60% polled are going to have a DWI…depends where you are hanging out I would assume.

The second question… hold your breath and get your running shoes laced.

This DWI epidemic is an increasing problem in the single world, and when a female realizes that she either needs to dress appropriately for bike pegs,  drive to pick up her date herself, or just stay home and eat like Jared before he found Subway, the romance seems to go straight out the window.

When did this become a thing to worry about??

And it’s not just dudes, girls have them too.

Is it because we all hate our lives in this politically and economically toxic situation we find ourselves in, or are we seeing a generation come about that thinks the rules perhaps don’t apply to them and that they are so entitled to never get caught?

Either way, just keep arguing that I’m not 27 but 19 boys… and I’ll meet you at any Chili’s you want.

Male Bonding

22 Jun

Due to the lack of excitement at my job… in order to spice things up… I listen to the comedy Pandora station… 8 hours a day… you do the math…

Ok, it’s 40 hours a week… of dick jokes and lamenting about women.

It’s awesome.

However, the best part is, it makes me feel like someone is talking to me and I don’t have to speak back. People DO keep their distance, as I laugh at my desk like I belong in an insane asylum… which is arguable…but it’s a temp job. Whatever.

Listening to this much male-jabber, I have stumbled upon some very enlightening and interesting common themes amongst men (besides the obvious that goal number one = S-E-X) and an insight to how those things inside their heads work… not that HEAD! Their other head. Get your mind out of the gutter.

Their brains.

Here are the top ten things to be aware of according to “Today’s Comedy Icons Radio.” Brought to you by Pandora. And me.

Disclaimer: If you have one of those things called a boyfriend…probably don’t listen to anything I have to say. Ever.

Drum roll please.

1)      They don’t like to be set-up. Women have the children if you want to have play dates.  Dudes don’t want to be setup with your friends’ boyfriends, husbands, brothers, dogs, whatever. Let them pick their own horrible running mates… and leave them to the consequences.

 2)      When they say they aren’t thinking anything. They really aren’t… and if they secretly are… do we really wanna know?? Everyone say, “NOT I.”

 3)      Have a freaking opinion. Apparently the worst thing EVER is to let them choose by saying “I don’t care.” Even, if like me, you REALLY don’t care… pull something out of your ass and be firm about it. I suggest the conversation to go like this… just to be safe… Question: “What do you want to eat?” Answer: “SUSHI DAMMIT… 30 minutes ago! GET IT TOGETHER!”

 4)      Let them have their vice. Video games. Let’s face it. They ALL universally are obsessed with video games. Video games to them are like shoes to us. We can’t explain it, but we both turn into Gollum zombies muttering “My Precious” under our breaths when they are in a 50 mile radius.  I think let them be. If you bitch about it there’s a 99.2% chance they’ll just hate you for it. Plus, while their playing they won’t notice you Pinteresting the entire house in the image of  Barbie’s dream home complete with a bedazzled toilet seat, abundant framed silverware and burnt crème fudge pieces masterfully shaped to look like demented floral arrangements strung along the mantle.

  5)      Rape never crosses their mind. Unless they are a rapist. Men seem shocked that we as women have to watch ourselves wherever we go, and that darkness can be lurking around any corner. This blows their minds. I dunno what this has to do with anything, I just thought it was interesting.

 6)      They really appreciate compromise. If you give an inch they might give back a lot more just to be able to have a say in… anything.

 7)      Shut your trap. No one likes a nag. For example, if they dress terrible, just don’t be seen in public with them… I guess… I’m still working on a solution to this. I’m leaning towards just burn whatever it is you can’t stand and that will solve the problem with less words.

 8)      Money is the root of all evil. What century is this??? Apparently women are supposed to be equal. I don’t like this new turn of events. However much this pains me, maybe throw a bone once in a while and pick up the check. Apppparrreeennntttlllyyyy it’s appreciated. (Ugh, that hurt just typing it.)

 9)      They have a complete love/ hate relationship with fast food. Men LOVE fast food, but know they shouldn’t. It’s like Catholic guilt. They do it anyways. This may come with an older-ish man… depending on how much fast food he eats… probably at like 21-99 years old is when they start feeling the effects. But they’re still hooked on Fast food like crack… and there is shame to it. Especially to the KFC Famous Bowls….?!?!?!… riddle me that. So if they are having withdrawal sweats, are hallucinating, and/or are overly cranky… look to the MSG and grease first.

 10)   And finally, WHATEVER YOU DO, DON’T drag them to a craft fair. They melt like the wicked witch of the West. Never to be seen again.

*To be safe just buy them a Famous Bowl, give them a video game controller, and get out-of-the-way.

May the force be with you.

There is no “girl” in M-A-N

4 Nov

Why heellooooo " Mr. Incredible"

So I’ve been focusing a lot on dating recently. Probably because I haven’t been doing any of that lately… sooooo I’ve really had time to think about it. And also because it seems to be getting really bad the older I get… or the closer we get to Armageddon.

What is up with men being all girly in “courting” … I dunno what else to call it?? Cat and mouse game of constant texting and rare in-person encounters more like… but anyways… I’ve noticed a sincere change in all males… not just the ones I’m not interested in. 😉

It’s like they talk about their butts being too big and make jokes about how little they eat (which isn’t a joke BTW!! Get a knock-knock book or something!) or they create drama like “OMG I hate this place or this person sooo much” and just bitch and bitch and bitch about the same thing over and over and over. Or talk about how they are in such despair. What are you freaking Cinderella and you just lost your slipper?? I feel like I should have gone into counseling with an emphasis on catfights and bulimia. Someone pinch me! Either I’m becoming a hard ass, all the men are gay, or the straight men in the 21st century are getting a little soft.  

*Palm to face

If I wanted to hear about your daily weight or what you ate today, I would go find my most insecure girlfriend and have a lunch date consisting of lettuce and spring water… or I would just listen to the voices in my own head. So many voices.

Plus, they seem to like to throw in that their friends are trying to set them up on blind dates or that some “stupid” (their words) girl won’t stop texting them to see what kind of reaction they will get. Well let me tell you, that form of reverse psychology turns any girl on about as much as fishing in a mud swamp full of alligators with grit and dirt-paste sandwiches over candlelight would.

PS If I wanted to be jealous I would go hang out with my married friends (only the ones that are happy) where I don’t have to hear this lamenting because they are married. Game. Over. At least those dudes cook every once in a while and feel it guenuinely necessary to tell their wives they are pretty… and mean it… WHAT?!?

Get me some chest hair, some hiking boots, and a baritone- tone ASAP. This is not the world I want to be in.

It’s not stalking… it’s being savvy.

27 Oct
 

The internet made me do it.

 

What are the rules and guidelines for using this thing called technology? Especially the technological kryptonite combination of the internet + smartphones + dating?? I’m not talking dating websites. I need not be seeking an eHarmon-ious life… yet.

But, I think I am positive all the gadgets in the world are affecting my ability to be normal.

I meet someone, of course I’m gonna play Sherlock Holmes on Facebook and Google your first name and all ex girlfriends before I have left your presence. That’s not being crazy… that’s being cautious.

And texting versus calling… is it a bitch move to only text and not actually want to man-up and call. Is Hey Tell a happy medium?? How many smiley faces are acceptable? How carried away with my love of speaking in “icon” language can I get?  And first dates!!… yeah it’s weird when you already know the person’s educational history, where they went on vacation last year, and what their pets’ names and ages are before the appetizer has been cleared. I’m not really TRYING to be a stalker… IT’S JUST SO ACCESSIBLE!! THE UNIVERSE WANTS ME TO!

How do you stalk and come across as “cool”?? I had a hard enough time being cool when the only thing that was cool was crimped bangs, high tops, and color blocked parachute jackets (and yet somehow I failed).

Seriously, similar to Photoshop and the new Microsoft Office Suite (F-U  new File/Home tabs… you confuse me every time!) I would pay to take a class on this.

I have crossed over to crazy stalker type cause I jump the gun to add men on Facebook and turn down dates based on favorite music/movie/television profile selections and the fact that you Tweeted about ANYTHING besides your disgust and full-on hate for Justin Bieber… Damn.

So many more variables now to think of. I don’t want to come across as unstable and desperate when I’m really going for smart and resourceful… with a hella good memory thrown in. (Can’t buy that.) I feel like learning to walk a literal tight rope would be easier for this balance-challenged, uneven hip-placed individual than the boundaries of the WWW. 

My wires just got crossed somewhere and the internet is ruining my life.

Crazy Is As Crazy Does.

28 Jul

In the world of dating there seem to be more and more crazy cards being played in “the game.” (Just more crazy cards in the world in general.)   And I cant help but wonder, should we be playing our crazy cards in the beginning or just like in the game of Texas Hold ‘Em, is there a “right” time to play them so you win the game of dating?

And don’t lie everybody has their own little quirks that they don’t publicize to the general masses. Carrie Bradshaw’s from Sex and the City was eating peanut butter and jelly on saltine’s while reading fashion magazines. That doesn’t count. I’m talking crazy-CRAZY. I’m talking like Hoarders crazy, or Intervention crazy, or Duggar family crazy. If I’m dating someone that likes to eat Comet cleaning powder on the side, or has to sleep with a hair dryer on at all times, or is planning on birthing a small army… this is a deal breaker… and I would want to know up front… not 5 dates later…not 5 minutes later. IMMEDIATELY. (and I want a 50 ft head start when bolting.)

I think illegitimate children and crazy baby mama drama are things that require a pin or some sort of label… or tattoo on their victims foreheads…so if one is not down with it they can dodge the bullet before the gun is even shot!

Additionally, along with when to put it all out there and how honest to be,  when it comes to dating and relationships I think there should also be cheat sheets. Like little laminated cards with the main information so in case you forget, you have a reference. There’s a 100% chance I’m going to forget someone’s birthday. (Cut me some slack, everybody has one and there’s 365 day’s in a year.) Or how about where they went to school, or sibling names… it’s just too much for my brain to handle…

…or perhaps I’m not listening. 😉

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