Tag Archives: Facebook

So feelings huh?

18 Dec

how-i-feel-when-funny-picture-1506When finding yourself in a new relationship and realizing you are not just rusty you’re completely inept, how does one catch up in the game of feelings? Apparently these things are supposed to be able to be verbalized and spoken………. but whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy? Is it like if you break the ice then there’s a flood of feeling spewing from your mouth like the Niagara Falls of emotion or are you supposed to chip away at it like a 5,000 foot wide log with a dull fork and a knife. Either way it seems painful, and a lot of work.

Whats the big deal really? Communication? What a silly concept… no one ever got anywhere COMMUNICATING right? Why can’t we all just telepathically stare at each other and understand what the other is feeling? Excuse me while I disappear into my much-needed invention laboratory.

I think it’s all just really overrated, which is why I’m more single than not. Ok, I just really need to find a personal tutor and multiple books on tape on the subject. Do they have Rosetta Stone for relationships?

I think social media has not only revolutionized how we communicate, but stunted our voice on the matter. You can say a lot through just posting a relationship status or tagging someone in a photo followed by hearts, but in real life face to face (or even copping out on the phone or in text) I feel like there is a missing link to my brain (okaayyyyyyy maybe my heart, blah blah blah) and my mouth. I even tried writing a letter… like with my hands and a pencil and I had no opinions…I was like the first caveman of the english language…yeah…I know… anyone here a doctor??  WHERE IS MY KEYBOARD!?

But seriously, when one has the emotional capacity of a nat and the attention span to go with it when  attempting to discover trust and truth in a relationship in the 21st century, how does one make feelings become words and not just inner obsessive compulsities? When is the right time in a new relationship to actually use your words and stop with the charade?

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Seriouslyshootmenow McDaniel

12 Feb

So this is going to piss several people off. Especially those of you that do this.

Ya, you.

You know who I’m talking about.

But I HAVE to address it, or my head might explode.

But WHY?!?!?!?!?!?! is it acceptable to have “couple” Facebook pages.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

You know where people are like BethandSamSmith or Ican’thavemyownlifeanditsblendedintomyfacebooklifeJones or Fullonballandchainshootmenow Sanchez. Good Lord!!! It’s the most annoying invention ever. I have tried to just use my initials on Facebook and it won’t accept it, but a couple can put the word “and” in-between their names, meshing their complete existence together and it’s accepted by the Facebook system.

W.T.F.

Is it a lack of trust?? Who’s email do you decide to use?? Is it so you can stalk yourself AND your significant other simultaneously freeing up more time to hang out with eachother, talk to eachother, makeout with eachother… and go to the gym? No, you’re right, the gym takes way too much time for anyone sane.

Perhaps my misunderstanding is due to my single status… but I don’t think so (see previous commitment -phobe post.) 😉

I wonder what happens when they get divorced. Do you have to tell Facebook why you are separating your name from your spouse’s and you need to just have Ben back from Benandsheniqua Precious (and then you have to explain why you had to take her last name as well and Ben Precious isn’t really a name you want to commit to any longer) and it was all because you forgot to take the trash out and and then the baby started crying and spitting up everywhere and the dog escaped and before you knew it… shit went south… and now it’s Facebook official! Yay.

Puhhhhllleaaassseeee.

Hawt Bathroom.

1 Dec

What is the fascination with Facebook + self-portraits + bathrooms. This combination is not a good one, but a popular one nonetheless that has caught on quicker than fashion dies here jeggings and the cancer kills microwave cake (which is surprisingly delicious BTW).

If your “friends” wanted to see your bathroom, they would come over and ask to use it. I don’t need to see you shirtless next to a toilet flexing your muscles or sucking in your F.U.P.A. I can only imagine what happened 5 minutes before that photo-op… The possibilities are endless…and they most likely end with 1 or 2? Gross.

If the self-portrait HAS to happen, can’t someone at least try getting creative and start taking the narcissism to a more classy level? Like self-portraits of yourself loading the dishwasher or posing in front of the fireplace or toasting a strudel or changing a lightbulb. At least then I know you either are A) a neat and tidy self-obsessed person/photo-taker B) a self-obsessed person/photo-taker with excellent taste in instant breakfast C) a self-obsessed person/photo-taker who is actively trying to achieve premium lighting or D) a self-obsessed person/photo-taker who likes fire. (Please, please let it be D!!!) 😉

In any case ALL of those say way more than I’m a self-obsessed person/photo-taker who just took a crap and has zero to negative one million decorating skills.

Thanks.

PS Turn the freaking flash off and tidy up the sink!

…and then put some clothes on a get a hobby.

It’s not stalking… it’s being savvy.

27 Oct
 

The internet made me do it.

 

What are the rules and guidelines for using this thing called technology? Especially the technological kryptonite combination of the internet + smartphones + dating?? I’m not talking dating websites. I need not be seeking an eHarmon-ious life… yet.

But, I think I am positive all the gadgets in the world are affecting my ability to be normal.

I meet someone, of course I’m gonna play Sherlock Holmes on Facebook and Google your first name and all ex girlfriends before I have left your presence. That’s not being crazy… that’s being cautious.

And texting versus calling… is it a bitch move to only text and not actually want to man-up and call. Is Hey Tell a happy medium?? How many smiley faces are acceptable? How carried away with my love of speaking in “icon” language can I get?  And first dates!!… yeah it’s weird when you already know the person’s educational history, where they went on vacation last year, and what their pets’ names and ages are before the appetizer has been cleared. I’m not really TRYING to be a stalker… IT’S JUST SO ACCESSIBLE!! THE UNIVERSE WANTS ME TO!

How do you stalk and come across as “cool”?? I had a hard enough time being cool when the only thing that was cool was crimped bangs, high tops, and color blocked parachute jackets (and yet somehow I failed).

Seriously, similar to Photoshop and the new Microsoft Office Suite (F-U  new File/Home tabs… you confuse me every time!) I would pay to take a class on this.

I have crossed over to crazy stalker type cause I jump the gun to add men on Facebook and turn down dates based on favorite music/movie/television profile selections and the fact that you Tweeted about ANYTHING besides your disgust and full-on hate for Justin Bieber… Damn.

So many more variables now to think of. I don’t want to come across as unstable and desperate when I’m really going for smart and resourceful… with a hella good memory thrown in. (Can’t buy that.) I feel like learning to walk a literal tight rope would be easier for this balance-challenged, uneven hip-placed individual than the boundaries of the WWW. 

My wires just got crossed somewhere and the internet is ruining my life.

To ‘Like’ or to ‘Dislike’

20 Sep

So maybe I’ve been listening to too much Pandora or spending WAYYY too much time on Facebook (NEVER!)… But forget the easy button.

I find my self sub-consciously reaching for a place to hit ‘like’ or ‘dislike’ in really random occurrences like watching TV, or talking to dudes, or projects at work, or bad/awesome outfits on the streets. 

I wish there was a like button for life that would alter possible scenarios and outcomes based on what I have ‘liked’ and ‘disliked’ in the past. Could you imagine? It would be like a virtual world that the victim has some sort of say in… like that movie Gamer, but way less violent and way more productive…and not really like that movie at all.

 I also would like to suggest an ‘unlike’ button for Pandora… and life. Maybe I’ve changed my mind and that song isn’t quite as ‘likeable’ as it once was… but I don’t feel so strongly to ‘dislike’ it…I would just like to bring it back to ‘neutral’ status. Yes?

 Same with Facebook… there should be a ‘dislike’ button… it would come in really handy for those duck face photos and constant self portraits in mirrors…(nice bathroom BTW.)

Please ‘like’ this post if you agree.  😉

Define “Single”

14 Sep

I feel like there needs to be more explicit relationship statuses on Facebook… and in life.

I mean yeah you are “in a relationship” or it can be “complicated”… but HOW complicated are we talking? And single… that can have many layers and many extra appendages… and people.

Let’s say you are single, but have a stalker ex-girlfriend that is fresh on your tail… and your new romance interests. I would consider that NOT single. More like “stalker single.” 

Or perhaps there is baby mama/papa drama… or just a baby… yeah, sure you are single every other weekend and alternating holidays…

Or maybe you used to be a prostitute and your pimp is a little too nosy. Or maybe you ARE the pimp… would we call this “pringle”??

How about you did some serious time and now have a real relationship with your parole officer… and an 8pm curfew? Is that called “community service single”? Or better yet “single in t-minus 200 hours” so we can better keep track?

Or what about if you are moving in 3 months… “I only want one thing because I am leaving soon single”? or more likely “I am moving sometime in the next 3 hours-30 years… I think… and I only want one thing single”?

Or what if someone has a herd of cats (like more than 2)… “Turn around and run single”?

Or they live with their parents… “ya… BTW… single”? 😉

These are all things that should be considered. Single isn’t just single these days. Maybe someone should write Mark Zuckerberg a letter regarding the relationship status-status quo. I’m sure he’s got tons of free time…

Quack, Quack and Say Cheese.

13 Sep

WTF?!?!? is up with the constant duck faces that are taking over photographs, poses, and general facial demeanor.

It is a travesty.

AND Facebook is conveniently providing the DREAM channel for 24/7 duck face possibilities. Some people have EVERY picture dedicated to the quest for the perfect duck face, all the while generally looking like a slut, looking stupid, and looking really, really… ugly. It’s like the Blue Steel of the 21st century… but waaaaaaay worse.

I’ve never looked at a duck and thought “Oh man! I wish I could look like THAT! Yes pleeeaassseee.” But apparently I’m not in sync with a majority of the female population who utilize this face (I guess?) as a mating call to attract their male counterparts online. The duck face epidemic is spreading faster than STD’s… and I have a strong suspicion that the two are most likely intertwined.

I wonder who started this trend?? I want to slap them across their duck face. Call me old fashion but smiling (or even just looking pissed off) seems a lot more normal and EASIER than the lip pout, nostril flare that is involved in duck face production. Add some caked on make-up… and gentlemen watch out! The ‘quacks’ are comin’ for ya! 😉

You know how if you keep your eyes crossed for too long they might stick? Same rules apply to the duck face.

Just say no!

You Are Doing It Wrong!

13 Jul

So I know I’m not the only one that is annoyed by the lack of intelligence in this country, but as the digital age increases in its technology and our lives are ever consumed by Facebook, Twitter, blogs, email, and all things online, let’s get a few grammatical issues clear shall we? (Don’t worry I won’t get too technical)

Feel free to use this as a cheat sheet and thank me later when you don’t look like so much of an idiot when posting your status’ every 5 minutes… in every channel available. (You know who you are)

They’re= That little mark in between the ‘y’ and ‘r’ is called an apostrophe… it creates a conjunction. Never use this unless you can replace ‘they’re’ with ‘they are.’

Example: They’re going to go streaking… through the quad… bring your green hat.

Their= This means ownership.

Example: Their mullet is amazing, I wish I had one.

There= This indicates a place.

Example: In the words of Tina Fey- “I want to go to there.”

Were=Indicates past tense.

Example: Were you going to jump off the bridge because you couldn’t use correct grammar?

We’re= Damn that little apostrophe again. Insert ‘we are’ wherever you use ‘we’re’ to double-check yourself. If it doesn’t make sense then… you are doing it wrong.

Example: We’re going to get butterfly tramp stamps together because we are BFF’s.

Where= Indicates a place.

Example: Where are my hair extensions?

Your= Indicates possession.

Example: Wow, that Speedo is not your best look.

You’re= There it is again! Man those apostrophe’s are taking over the English language. If you can replace ‘you’re’ with ‘you are’… then you’re doing it right.

Example: You’re really good-looking when you aren’t speaking.

And the worst of them all…

Two= Is a number!!!!! Come on people.

Example: That girl has two crossed eyes. Bummer.

Too= This one can be tricky… this USUALLY is synonymous with ‘also’ when it means ‘additionally.’  If you can replace ‘too’ with ‘also’ you are using it correctly. It can also mean too much of something.

Example: Are you going to enter the hot dog eating contest, too? I’m not sure, that seems like too many hotdogs for my stomach’s capacity.

To= Best bet just use this for whatever you don’t use the other two for.

Example: I am going to go crazy without my crazy pills.

Additionally, know is spelled with a “K” NOT an “N”. Now= present, as in right now. Know is “oh, you know so much information about Star Trek.”

Learn it. Capiche?

PS I’m available for tutoring… if the price is right.  😉

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