Tag Archives: Rules

Handshakes ARE a thing.

31 Oct

Sooooooo……… Handshakes huh??

I think one of the most definitive characteristics (aside from what you have chosen to put on your body) of a person is their handshake. And I have to admit… some of you are really lacking. Through a handshake one can come across as overbearing or weak in an instant based on your grip of the importance of this situation…. (I had to.)

So I’ve decided to classify handshakes into 5 clear categories. Pencils up!

Limp Lacey- Ohhhhh Lacey…. I just want to put you in my pocket and… wash my pants on high spin speed.

This is the type of person that gives you their hand and you aren’t sure if you’ve grabbed an earthworm and should run away screaming looking for antibacterial gel, or you’re okay and it is indeed someone’s appendage. It’s as if you are squeezing the water out of a wet rag and, incidentally, these people’s hands are usually cold and clammy. They just give you their limp hand and let you bear paw it like Paul Bunyan just got to town and is TAKING OVER THEIR WORLD. Get a spine… and show it through your handshake. You want someone to think you’re completely weak and never wants to be friends with you because you most likely have no real opinions and it’s doubtful your voice doesn’t go an octave over a church mouse… nor your personality… then present your hand as if it were 6 month old rotten cucumber and you’re golden.

Her Royal Highness Helen- Helen is a bitch… or a queen… because they put their hand out with just the fingertips available at a distance as if expecting you to kiss their royal manicure and kneel before their magicalness.

Whenever someone does this I want to slap it away and then go “high-five”… and then high-five their FACE! Be real. Don’t half ass a handshake or not be confident about meeting someone’s gesture of a handshake. Put your nose down and figure out how to uncurl your arthritis/Gollum-esque attempt at a proper hello. You think I’m harsh… someone hiring you REALLY isn’t gonna like that either. They have standards.

Hard Harry- Harry is the person that comes in hard and grabs onto your hand like they’re about to whip you around into a black van with no windows and sell you into sex slavery.

They keep their grip for what seems like eternity… or the entire length of a Keeping Up with the Kardashians episode… whichever comes first. All you can think about is when your hand will be free and where the nearest ice bucket and do it yourself cast kit is. Be gentle. Don’t try to kill the other person and don’t try to overcompensate for other insecurities by shaking like a hitman trying to choke someone out. Just breathe. People will remember your name and be able to remember meeting you instead of the pain induced black out you are causing.

Insecure Ivan – Ivan puts his hand out there and then retracts it back like an elevator door is coming away at .0005 miles a minute and might karate chop it in half. It’s like a dance of sort. A dance of the bad handshake people. It’s a psych-out for whoever poor sucker is on the other side. Put your hand out there and keep it there until someone shakes it… or everyone just walks away. Either way, at least you kept your ground and your intentions were clear. No one likes a hand meeting that turns into a bad version of the macarena.

THIS IS THE RIGHT WAY TO DO IT. Be firm. Be confident. Hold your hand out straight. Make sure your skin is dry (or at least like 75%ish). Look the other person in the face. Smile like you like it. Hold for 3 seconds… One.. M-I-S-I-S-S-I….. sorry, I don’t know how to spell Misissippi…and go back to conducting normal daily life.

Did everyone survive? I have the number for a good psychologist. Message me for details.

Happy shaking.

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