I Hope You Brought Your Gloves

13 Feb

As Valentine’s Day is looming over our heads like a neon pink light of fury pointing cupid’s arrow to romantic cliched dooms-ville, when is the time to cut your losses and follow that light to the nearest bar… or decide to continue to fight for a love that may not exist except in Hallmark cards and on disgusting heart shaped candy messages?

Fights in relationships are a very common thing. So THEY say. (Yeah, I don’t know who “they” is either.) But when is fighting becoming less productive and more seductive? Is it the arguing that’s keeping the relationship exciting in a downhill crash and burn type motion… or is it really improving your communication and the nature of your relationship?

Should fighting be considered a normal sequence of events? And when should that sequence start? 2 minutes in? 2 months in? 2 years in? 2 decades in? 2 fifths of vodka in?

Is fighting a sign that you love each other and are working on the relationship… or perhaps is it a sign that this just isn’t working… and someone should be the bigger person, ultimately giving up the good fight?

Taking bets now.

AND should we put the gloves aside until February 14th is over for the sanctity of it? (Hahahahahahaha  No, that was a rhetorical question. How about we just realize it’s a day set aside for stress to come knocking on your door to present you with higher than achievable expectations.)

Happy Valentine’s Die Hard Day Bitches.

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Kids Suck… but It’s Our Own Fault

7 Feb

ImageMy “man friend” (that’s what I call him because “boyfriend” is the most cliche and terrifying word to someone who is afraid of commitment… ever… FYI)  the other day was discussing having children … and once the smelling salts kicked in and I crawled off the floor and ingested a couple glasses of red wine… I got to thinking.

I started looking around at all the children and instead of scowling I tried to be unbiased. Key word tried. But honestly!! after paying attention to the coming generations… I’m not sure I want to live in this world much less bring in additional sufferers.

What in the hell are we doing to our children today?? When did this bullshit of everyone is equal and a winner come to fruition? I think NOT. Participation trophy’s and no child left behind and child services at every corner waiting to sweep your offspring to foster homes is completely out of control. In the words of Will McAvoy (if you haven’t watched HBO’s the Newsroom… you NEED to) America is NOT the greatest country in the world anymore and with great reason.

My parents hit me and you know what… I’m still alive! Ta DA! Sure it was unpleasant when it happened… But I don’t have any scars… not even emotional ones… those came from elsewhere. But you know what I do have? Respect for authority …and character. I would have hit me too. I was a nightmare from the ages of 3- 25. I still need to be hit most days. And you know what… I lost in team sports and my lack of ability to put one foot in front of the other left me to be the last person picked in dodge ball. I didn’t cry. I found something I was good at so I could feel proud of myself. I worked harder at things that I was mediocre at. I excelled in school because it set me apart from my peers. It gave me a niche. It made me work to feel a sense of accomplishment… What is that?!

This hand holding and coddling ridiculousness is creating a generation of pussies… yeah I said it PUSSIES…  who aren’t going to be able to take care of themselves, much less be contributing members of society. They are going to fill out a job application (if they can even think for themselves that far) work for two hours (if they can make it that long) and be waiting with their hand out for a golden trophy and a pat on the back.

YEAHHHH RIIIIGHHHTT.

This is not the world I want to be in much less bring someone else in it. I’ll hit my kid for saying ‘shit’ at the age of 3 cause they heard it on TV (or from me) and because they threw a temper tantrum in the supermarket cause I wouldn’t buy them a candy bar and a second Ipad … and then we’ll all be in jail.

No thank you.

I think I’d rather move to Mars. I hear it’s nice there.

Hey, Nice Couch

6 Feb

Image

They say in relationships what you put up with is what you will get.

When it comes to straddling the ever lowering fence of getting to know one another over dinner and theatre dates to being in a “normal” relationship how long should you climb?

When the beginning “dating” period is over and as a couple you are becoming more comfortable with one another when is the appropriate time to say “whatever” and give up on the planning and beautifying anxiety ridden preparations? I understand its the natural progression of relationships… but shouldn’t there be a little bit left for some in-public shenanigans?

As a female in America fighting for respect and any kind of romance or sparkle daily, when is the right time to give up the fancy fight and say f**K it… allowing your significant other to become ultimately lazy letting the “relationship” period pull its dark hood over your coupledom’s head?

Is this something to fight for? Or is it really just acceptable to waive your white flag and start making nightly dinners followed by Netflix movies and late night romcom’s followed by morning scrambled eggs?

As Valentine’s approaches I realize that oftentimes when you are “supposed” to be going out due to a national holiday… or hallmark coming out as a drug user of steroids… I wonder should we continue to expect someone to WANT to bring on the sparkle for all of time… or are sweatpants and takeout food just the normal sequence of events? I can’t help but want to fight the urge of such a thing known as comfort… just to keep the special. Perhaps if not avoiding the monotony of TV and couple supermarket trips means that you have made it in the quest of relationships and dating. Instinctly, I want to pull a mulligan and resign from the game. On this path… the only next logical move is farting in bed and tweezing each other’s eyebrows. Or perhaps, it is worth the fight to keep the fantasy… at least one night a week? As women isn’t that what it’s all about? Being single for most of my life, I appreciate the fun and glitter of dating and making plans and having something to look forward to.

However, if examining oneanother’s boogers and foot cramps really is the reality of the situation, I’d rather keep my reality to Keeping Up with the Kardashians and become a serial first dater… until I’ve reached Betty White status at least.

I guess thank gawd for Match.com and Ben and Jerry’s.

Here come the snuggies. *le sigh

The Sure Thing.

20 Dec

sure-thing-jbI was talking to an older widower the other day and she was trying to brainstorm how to meet someone and I suggested she go to a happy hour and she asked “but by myself?? I wish there was someone I could go with.” I suggested a woman in our office that was blonde, looked ten years younger, and could talk to a wall if it would engage her. She constantly smiled and I knew men would come over with the bait of the blonde chatty kathy, providing an opening for the brunette shy widower to make her mark with her humor and wits… This is called a sure thing.

My friend was not interested in going with this woman, but I don’t think she got the point of it.

Is it called taking advantage of people or simply just seeing an opportunity and taking it? If you know someone will help you out why wouldn’t you go for it immediately? It’s not selfish, it’s time management. Why beat around the bush… if you see someone chewing a piece of gum, why wouldn’t you ask them to have a piece… or someone wearing a watch what time it is? You wouldn’t ask the kid who is failing the class to explain the homework to you, amiright? I know I help people out in ways I don’t even know. One just has to be smart enough  to spot the opportunity and pounce. If you are smart enough to see something that will make your life easier, why wouldn’t you go for it? Someone would do the same for you.

I do, however, find this skill probably most similar to how serial killers choose their victims and married men target their mistresses… so proceed with caution and don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Don’t think if I have a flat tire (as a young female that usually wears heels and skirts) I don’t immediately target the burliest man with football playeresque stats to help me, completely overlooking to 90lb cheerleader? Duuuuuuh.

Everyone has skills and something to offer and I think picking out the sure thing is a compliment to them… usually. I’ll admit maybe I take advantage of this superpower ability to read people’s strengths and what I can get away with, but how else is a single girl with zero muscle mass and a negative bank account supposed to survive?

So feelings huh?

18 Dec

how-i-feel-when-funny-picture-1506When finding yourself in a new relationship and realizing you are not just rusty you’re completely inept, how does one catch up in the game of feelings? Apparently these things are supposed to be able to be verbalized and spoken………. but whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy? Is it like if you break the ice then there’s a flood of feeling spewing from your mouth like the Niagara Falls of emotion or are you supposed to chip away at it like a 5,000 foot wide log with a dull fork and a knife. Either way it seems painful, and a lot of work.

Whats the big deal really? Communication? What a silly concept… no one ever got anywhere COMMUNICATING right? Why can’t we all just telepathically stare at each other and understand what the other is feeling? Excuse me while I disappear into my much-needed invention laboratory.

I think it’s all just really overrated, which is why I’m more single than not. Ok, I just really need to find a personal tutor and multiple books on tape on the subject. Do they have Rosetta Stone for relationships?

I think social media has not only revolutionized how we communicate, but stunted our voice on the matter. You can say a lot through just posting a relationship status or tagging someone in a photo followed by hearts, but in real life face to face (or even copping out on the phone or in text) I feel like there is a missing link to my brain (okaayyyyyyy maybe my heart, blah blah blah) and my mouth. I even tried writing a letter… like with my hands and a pencil and I had no opinions…I was like the first caveman of the english language…yeah…I know… anyone here a doctor??  WHERE IS MY KEYBOARD!?

But seriously, when one has the emotional capacity of a nat and the attention span to go with it when  attempting to discover trust and truth in a relationship in the 21st century, how does one make feelings become words and not just inner obsessive compulsities? When is the right time in a new relationship to actually use your words and stop with the charade?

“I Do.” P.S. Are you gay?

7 Nov

Have you ever heard the expression “Where have all the good men gone?”

Well I’ll tell ya where they went.

They went gay.

If you want a guy that cares, is crafty, and dresses like he intended to put that on his body, you gotta start looking over the fence at that other, well-trimmed  grass.

However, if you aren’t willing to undergo a full sex change, what does this mean for a single heterosexual girl??

It means nothing good can come from this.

Have you ever seen that movie Friends With Money? You know the creepy one with Jennifer Aniston who plays a maid and ends up with a fat agoraphopic. (what Paula Deen had BEFORE the diabeetus) WELL anyways, her friend played by Frances McDormand was a HOT MESS… and she was married to a very feminine man who her friends thought was gay and talked shit about their relationship all the time.

WORST FEAR OF ALL TIME!

*Yeah, I know this means I’m narcissistic.

If you play your cards right, one should only be married four to five times… MAX. 😉 But what if you pick wrong and end up sexless and laughed at behind your back your entire life cause your gaydar leaned a little too far to the left and you walked down the aisle to Liza Minnelli instead of pomp and circumstance and you were ecstatic he was just a little metro sexual… or European?

Shit.

There are several plusses, however, if you end up with a gay like… like I’m sure they ‘re good at laundry and helping you decide what to wear and what tile to use for your remodeled bathroom. But in the current generation where sexual preference is something you have to specifically choose to come out of the closet with and not come out straight out of the vagina with your declaration of fabulousness,  how, as single women who appreciate the finer things in life, ensure that we are picking the right penises for our team?

And how do we not have a mental meltdown during the process?

Handshakes ARE a thing.

31 Oct

Sooooooo……… Handshakes huh??

I think one of the most definitive characteristics (aside from what you have chosen to put on your body) of a person is their handshake. And I have to admit… some of you are really lacking. Through a handshake one can come across as overbearing or weak in an instant based on your grip of the importance of this situation…. (I had to.)

So I’ve decided to classify handshakes into 5 clear categories. Pencils up!

Limp Lacey- Ohhhhh Lacey…. I just want to put you in my pocket and… wash my pants on high spin speed.

This is the type of person that gives you their hand and you aren’t sure if you’ve grabbed an earthworm and should run away screaming looking for antibacterial gel, or you’re okay and it is indeed someone’s appendage. It’s as if you are squeezing the water out of a wet rag and, incidentally, these people’s hands are usually cold and clammy. They just give you their limp hand and let you bear paw it like Paul Bunyan just got to town and is TAKING OVER THEIR WORLD. Get a spine… and show it through your handshake. You want someone to think you’re completely weak and never wants to be friends with you because you most likely have no real opinions and it’s doubtful your voice doesn’t go an octave over a church mouse… nor your personality… then present your hand as if it were 6 month old rotten cucumber and you’re golden.

Her Royal Highness Helen- Helen is a bitch… or a queen… because they put their hand out with just the fingertips available at a distance as if expecting you to kiss their royal manicure and kneel before their magicalness.

Whenever someone does this I want to slap it away and then go “high-five”… and then high-five their FACE! Be real. Don’t half ass a handshake or not be confident about meeting someone’s gesture of a handshake. Put your nose down and figure out how to uncurl your arthritis/Gollum-esque attempt at a proper hello. You think I’m harsh… someone hiring you REALLY isn’t gonna like that either. They have standards.

Hard Harry- Harry is the person that comes in hard and grabs onto your hand like they’re about to whip you around into a black van with no windows and sell you into sex slavery.

They keep their grip for what seems like eternity… or the entire length of a Keeping Up with the Kardashians episode… whichever comes first. All you can think about is when your hand will be free and where the nearest ice bucket and do it yourself cast kit is. Be gentle. Don’t try to kill the other person and don’t try to overcompensate for other insecurities by shaking like a hitman trying to choke someone out. Just breathe. People will remember your name and be able to remember meeting you instead of the pain induced black out you are causing.

Insecure Ivan – Ivan puts his hand out there and then retracts it back like an elevator door is coming away at .0005 miles a minute and might karate chop it in half. It’s like a dance of sort. A dance of the bad handshake people. It’s a psych-out for whoever poor sucker is on the other side. Put your hand out there and keep it there until someone shakes it… or everyone just walks away. Either way, at least you kept your ground and your intentions were clear. No one likes a hand meeting that turns into a bad version of the macarena.

THIS IS THE RIGHT WAY TO DO IT. Be firm. Be confident. Hold your hand out straight. Make sure your skin is dry (or at least like 75%ish). Look the other person in the face. Smile like you like it. Hold for 3 seconds… One.. M-I-S-I-S-S-I….. sorry, I don’t know how to spell Misissippi…and go back to conducting normal daily life.

Did everyone survive? I have the number for a good psychologist. Message me for details.

Happy shaking.

Wait. What’s that noise??

29 Oct

They say when people hear their names it resonates with them and makes them trust people, wanting to embrace others.

All my life  I’ve been terrified that I’m a self obsessed narcissist. Which most likely means I am. But as I get older and find more clever ways to hide my craziness, I have had the ability to look at others and notice patterns that evolve across us all.

We all want to talk about ourselves.  DUH the world revolves around ME didn’t you know?!?

But if you ONLY listen to people and just let them carry the conversations and tone of communication, they will talk forever about themselves and never once ask about the other… or get tired… or run out of topics (relax…. I only know this from PERSONAL experience… Why, hello my little blog. ) 😉

I’ve been testing this theory, only listening and not bringing it back to “TA DAH! here I am and this is what I like and think and do and everyone should be just like me!! TADAHHHH!” and unfortunately for me it is harder than I had hoped. #insertfoot

But why is this so? And when did it become ok? Are we really all that self-obsessed… and with the evolution of social media and ever-increasing channels to perfect our image, is this, at the same time, creating a monster of the dissolution of public service and charity and REALLY having compassion for others and their problems?

I’ll admit people’s problems seem to be becoming more like reality television than Walter Cronkite. Oh, you didn’t get those $200 shoes you HAD to have at full price because you’re on a budget… and now you’re just gonna DIIIEEEEEE #whitegirlproblems #passthewine

Unfortunately, people who listen to others lamenting  90% of the time are only looking for a place to [insertwhitegirlproblem#366here] and bring the conversation around to themselves and their own personal frame of reference… at varying levels of course from crazy to shutthehellup. Additionally, media/society and consumerism are completely driving this trend.

You will, though, make it very far in social circles if you will just listen. People LOVE anyone that will listen to WHATEVER… from their cat taking a shit yesterday to real issues like a death in the family or what they ate for lunch. Maybe it’s called networking, or maybe it’s just called listening.

I think the more you put others first or allow them to believe it’s all about them, the more they will appreciate your presence. But how REAL is that really? By talking about ourselves in a roundtable over cocktails or during the The Real Housewives [insertwhatevercityisYOURfave] marathon, are we really creating meaningful relationships or are we creating a facade that others must care about US when really everyone just cares about themselves?

Does anyone seriously care in return, or do they just care that others care? (There is a lot of caring going around amiright?)

At a definitive crossroads in being social, being young, being a hermit, and being old  and bitter, I often wonder where does one go from there? If you are listening constantly, when do you realize its an ok time for you to speak or admit that maybe you need someone to listen to you? At that point are you just fulfilling the inner ego or is it just a matter of  remaining sane… and letting it all out through verbal diarrhea?

Can someone go their whole lives only being there for others and losing themselves in the process? Or is that only half a meaningful relationship?

Is communication a necessity or is it a luxury that many take for granted?

Fun Fact: Palin Minus the ‘L’ = Pain

9 Oct

As if she didn’t have enough credibility going for her…. ssssshhhheeeeeee’sssssss bbbbbaaaacccccckkkkkkkk.

Sarah Palin is now planning to write a book. What kind of book you may ask… A)”The True Location of Russia,” or maybe B) “Multitasking: How to Watch A Chicken Beheaded While Still Smiling,” or C)”The Top Ten Most Effective Tips To Talk Nonsense But Still Look Like A Hot Mom” or D) A fitness book.

Yep, D.

The correct Answer is D………………………………..

Well thank gawd she’s finally in her destined career bracket. But when the photo surfaced of her new ‘skinny’ self… I had a few thoughts.

1) Goodbye White House, hello stripper pole. WTF is she wearing?!?! Pretty sure I didn’t wear things that immature when I was 18 and crop tops and 8-inch heels were still “classy,” and I hadn’t just pretended I could run a country, shoot a gun, and ride a snow-mobile.

2) Does anyone else think she looks like an 80-year old Shania Twain? No offense, but she looked way better in the hot librarian get-up than whatever Mean Girl impression is going on here. I think her and Lindsey Lohan would probably have a lot to talk about… in the tanning bed.

3) She’s still doing stuff?? I figured after Julianne Moore played her better than herself in HBO’s ‘Game Change’ she would disappear into the sunset with MILF dignity………….I was severely mistaken.

Now instead of hearing that accent debate about seeing Russia and Katie Couric, it’s now gonna motivate us to get skinny…………………………. If only you could see my facial expression at this moment…………………………………………………………..I die.

For the full story, go here People.

Cursed From the First.

5 Oct

When it comes to dating and being single these days, the road is a rocky one. Full of lack of effort, lack of respect, and a series of trainwreck ends that would put any Grey’s Anatomy story line to shame. Though there may not be pieces of wall through the abodem, severed legs, or lightbulbs lodged in a brain that was unknowingly suffering from Alzheimer’s, there are still scars left when the all-too-familiar story of relationships go awry. Though hearts are strong and can handle much bullshit (I know this for a fact), the effects can be long-lasting and sometimes the scars never heal.

Even just one love blow can have life-long side effects.

So when someone comes along that doesn’t want to cut your heart out, chew it up, and then find a more “meaningful situation” 5 seconds later; how is a victim of constant love-torture supposed to take it with a straight face?

When someone who wants to date you, presents you with a confident, sincere, and respectful version of what you’ve only seen in the movies; how does one not just slap their face, pour a bucket of ice water over themselves, and run screaming away because they are 1) DEFINITELY imagining things, 2) they are DEFINITELY on their way to 100% crazy, 3) they’re definitely thinking this one is the same… it’s just gonna hurt worse, and 4) it’s definitely Alzheimer’s.

It’s like the Hunger Games but WAYYY too many players to watch out for, and way too few bows and arrows.

Ok, their (me. I mean me.) brains might need a literal lightbulb to the head.

When someone actually has their shit together, knows what they want, aren’t scared of feelings, and are actually a good person, I can’t help but continually peer over my shoulder waiting for the other shoe (most likely an iron-toed workboot in a male size 18) to drop and put me into a heartbreak coma.

Yeah, this means that I’m crazy and cannot deal with what I don’t know (Which is assholes. ALL assholes). However, perhaps dealing with assholes ISN’T normal, and a respectful man is just that.. a man. Not a boy. And THAT  is normal.

Either way normal is completely subjective to each person.

AND a good solid helmut is always a good idea.

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