Karaoke Crap

I'm with Fred.

So there is something in this world that I absolutely do NOT understand at all… and would love for someone to explain it to me…

What is the fascination with Karaoke?

WHY is it popular to take a good song sung by a good singer and complete destroy it… usually by drunken and terrible singers who don’t always necessarily know the words.

And I’m sure at this point you are thinking well she’s just never tried it she doesn’t know what she is missing. But I HAVE tried it! Additionally, I have tried it at the highest most drastic and death-defying level. What are the details may you ask? Yes, I sang karaoke in NYC, on Time Square, with it being videotaped, and played on the jumbotron ON Times Square. Not nearly as awesome as it sounds… and I wasn’t nearly drunk enough. And needless to say it was completely brutal and permanently scarring. Perhaps this is why I hold onto complete disdain for the act, but I just don’t understand.

There are Beyonce’s and Christina Aguilera’s for a reason. The reason is that not your average person is that talented… isn’t that why they make the big bucks?? So I personally don’t think there is any need to attempt that type of talent and share the less than stellar average gifts that many of us possess.

Just keep it to the shower or not at all and let the rest of us drink in peace and go home to listen to Itunes.

Stinginess in the Job Market

As my CONSTANT struggle to find meaningful, permanent, and actual paying employment is continually a negative experience and as the unemployment rate keeps increasing faster than the Mississippi River,  I can’t help but be pissed at all the bitches out there who are working because they WANT to. (Yeah, thats right I might be bitter.)   

You know those people who work one or two days a week or part time because they are “bored” but have more money than God when they go home, and what they make is just “extra spending money.”

First off, I don’t even understand the concept of working because you WANT to… what is that??! Someone please explain it to me. Hey how about you forget about your “extra spending money” and go volunteer (there are plenty of crisis’ happening all around us and your 10% employee discount at Bed, Bath, and Beyond really can’t be that much of a bonus)  simultaneously opening up your coveted position to the rest of us who are struggling to make ends meet and coincidentally have been on a steady diet of ramen noodles since 2007 when this whole economic “situation” happened.

Applying for jobs is worse than a real job (I have so many passwords and username’s out there to start my own employment agency!) and oh the rejection! Employment rejection is way worse than dating because you are SUPPOSED to be qualified, it’s not supposed to be a crap shoot, and employers desperation radars aren’t supposed to be switched on, right?

And now the cherry on top of it all, to get a job WITH benefits is becoming like finding buried treasure… in which I apparently need a map and a personal tour guide for. I haven’t seen dental insurance it feels like since before Bob Barker left the Price is Right (those were the good ol’ days.)

If everyone would just cooperate with me, I think my scheming would work out for the best of ALL involved.

Sayonara Obama… how about Lauren for 2012?? 😉

I wonder what font size and type he uses on his resume??

Wedding Woes and No No’s

So I’ve been going to weddings recently… because I’m at that age… and ’tis the season… and I don’t know if it’s because here in the midwest people are confused or if it is a general problem worldwide, but there are some things NOT to wear and NOT to do when attending weddings. Contrary to popular belief that anything goes… if the happy couple (or their mommy and daddy) are going to fork out an arm and a leg to feed you, entertain you, and (hopefully) get you drunk then for the love of GOD! please dress and act appropriately.

Rule One: NO JEANS- If you wear jeans to a wedding, I think there should be a rule like St. Patrick’s day and the color green that in the jeans case anyone and everyone can slap you across the face as hard as they possibly can… hopefully knocking those jeans off you or driving you out of the presence of the wedding. Dumbass. I kinda feel this way about church too. It’s a nice occasion put forth a little effort. It won’t kill anyone.

Rule Two: DO NOT WEAR WHITE- WTF are people doing wearing white to a wedding. This is a no-brainer… I thought… Here’s a tip: Go black. Everyone has black and it is the new chic color for weddings. I don’t care if it’s after Memorial Day and before Labor day, that’s a stupid rule anyways that I don’t suggest following, but it’s the bride’s one day (depending on her personal divorce rate) leave her be alone in white. I might impose the slapping rule for this as well.

Rule Three: NO TENNIS SHOES- There are no words. And don’t give me the “cool Converse” excuse either. Just say NO.

Rule Four: DO NOT MAKE AN OUTFIT CHANGE INTO SOMETHING MORE COMFORTABLE- I don’t care how loose you want to get on the dance floor. Casual clothes aren’t acceptable at the reception either! Suck it up.

Rule Five: DO NOT SKIP THE CEREMONY- How tacky can a person be?? I don’t care how “late” you are running. There is no excuse for not being punctual for anything much less something you have known about and RSVP’d at least a month ago… invest in a calendar or join the 21st century and get a smart phone with an alarm and set it an extra hour early if you can’t get your business together.

Rule Six: DON’T BLACK OUT- When there is alcohol involved the last thing your hosts want is you face planting in the cake, trying to make out with grandma, or giving them a strip tease. Keep it classy people.

Happy Wedding season!

Perhaps these rules do not apply here...

Hangover II: Worse Than Any Real Hangover You Have Ever Had

Due to my emminent brokeness on a daily basis and my continual painful realization of the value of money, I NEVER walk out of the theatres. If I leave it’s because there is a fire and NOT beceause of the quality of movie I am watching. If I pay my student discounted $7.25 for approximately two hours of entertainment.. I WILL be entertained.

This weekend was much different. Talk about the excitement and hype of Hangover II being a blatent LIE. It was perhaps the worst movie of all time. It was exactly like the first Hangover… all the same incidences, the same people, the same request for laughs in the same moments, the same struggles, the same naked asian guy,… the list goes on and on and on and on. It was a complete and utter copy of the first one in a much more awkward and annoying manner. I wanted to walk out in the first 20 minutes but stuck through until about the hour mark… time I will never get back.

Moral of this story is, DON’T waste your money on the worst sequel of all time. Trust me. Don’t even spend your money to rent it when it goes to DVD. This movie is a complete, indescribable disaster.

Talk about a let down.  From 1 to 5 stars I would give the Hangover II a negative 150…or maybe worse.

My advice… go see Bridesmaids… and if you have already seen, it go see it again. I’ll go with you.

Nice Hat…… Not.

What is up with guys wearing your baseball caps backwards?? FYI it’s not attractive.

A front forward hat CAN BE awesome, but why must it be turned around?? Are you afraid that the brim facing forward is going to make your foreheads look fat? Do you think that you look gangsta and tough with it backwards? Is a backwards hat saying something that us females don’t speak the same language with??

AND I’ll take it a step further ?!?WHY?!? Must it cover your eyebrows in some cases?? That is the WORST. Help me understand… Does it help pull your eyebrows back so you can see better? Are you trying to frame your eyes in a more attractive way? Are you wanting your ears to stick out in a funny and weird fashion so that it leaves us staring at the possibilities of deformed ears?

It’s not a good look for anyone and it’s a really annoying trend that I wish would stop.

If you want to look cool just wear your hat forwards or cock it to the side a little bit and pleasepleasepleaseplease wear something that is appropriate for your choice of hat. Just because you’re having a bad hair day it doesn’t mean that a backwards hat is going to distract from the rest of the disaster… in more cases than not it’s just adding to it.

Also, A backwards hat + bad facial hair = recipe for disaster.

Thank you.

Penis’ Can Have Really Bad Taste

Arnold's Love Child and Mistress.

So now Arnold Schwarzenegger has been thrown into the mix amongst other famed cheaters such as Tiger Woods and Jesse James.

First off, I think its amazing how Hollywood and the press are straddling these “outs”. It seems like every six months when there is a lull in activity a secret affair comes out that ensues a flutter of shutter bugs and press whilst mistresses and illegitimate children start crawling out of the woodwork at an even pace. Hopefully, if anything, these timed flurries of activity are helping to boost our economy. Although, I don’t know how many mistress careers can keep being generated… at the current rate its looking good…as well as for Gloria Allred’s future clientele.  

Honestly, is there any hope for monogamy anymore? I was talking to a co-worker and really it comes down to it penis’ have really bad taste, and the proof shows, they will go anywhere that will let them.

If you look at these mens’ wives and then who they are slumming it with, it doesn’t make sense. Why jeapardize a whole life that years have been spent on to build, and watch it crumble in the midst of one or two (or twenty) easy women?? Is it a way out of a bad marriage? Is it like a black out of senses? Is it really an addiction? These men may not have the self-control needed to be faithful, but are they even thinking it through and regarding the consequences?

And as women is there really anything we can do to stop it? Talk about The Blind Side, Sandra Bullock and Maria Shriver were completely blindsided and thrust into the public eye for being a victim when perhaps all they were guilty of was hard work and faithfulness in their marriages (as far as anyone on the outside can tell).

It seems like a complete luck of the draw, that whoever we choose for “death do us part” decides he CAN keep it in his pants and has the conviction to follow through. However, those chances seem to be getting slimmer as divorce rates get higher and cheating becomes the norm.

Should we just throw our hands in the air and avoid it altogether or cross our fingers and cross that bridge when we get there?

Two and a Half Men’s Rock Bottom Just Got Rockier

Weird.

Ok call me crazy, but now that this Two and Half Men debacle is simmering down, I have to ask why?!?!

Why was there a need to continue the show in the first place? Was this not an option?? Honestly, it seems like the BEST option.

Instead the creators have decided to continue the (neverending) funeral march by hiring Ashton Kutcher to replace Charlie Sheen?? Oh wait, just kidding. WE ALL JUST GOT PUNK’D!!

I wish this was a punk.

The only good thing about Ashton being hired for the job is that it shut-up Charlie Sheen… for now.

Just because Ashton’s married to a cougar that is in the same age category as Charlie’s character, doesn’t mean his presence on the show is going to make ANY sense (I have a feeling he’s cashing in until the checks stop coming and then going back to his flailing romantic comedy career).

In case you have been living under a rock for the past several months and need a recap, basically what happened is Charlie Sheen had a complete public meltdown, there was lot’s of bad press, lot’s of he said/ she said, LOTS of bashing, more meltdowns, goddesses everywhere, one “Torpedo of (stupidity) Truth” tour (thank God for that…), and I think a complete evolution in the Twitter world. So why is there a need to continue the debauchery? All I can figure is because “why not??”

Has Chuck Lorre not had a bad enough year press-wise that he’s decided to sign on Ashton Kutcher to completely drive his show into the ground (it’s already in the ground it’s like they are trying to dig through to the core of the Earth and then continue through to other side… like it’s gonna be better there… FYI you’re still on the Earth and in the ground)?

Why can’t Hollywood and especially TV just know when to fold? If this was a game of Texas Hold’ Em, Two and a Half Men’s quality of material at the present moment is a pair of two’s, a seven, a ten, and a four up against a flush and the pot is in the millions, maybe billions.

There is a lot to lose, just stop the madness and for the love of God, stop making it worse.

AND Ashton Kutcher nice work on hopping aboard the crazy train whilst in full speed. Good luck getting off… but at least you’ll be rich when it crashes. 😉

Save Trees, Say it With Words.

As time goes on and I continue my (conflicted) collection,  I can’t help but wonder… how has Hallmark done it?!? What REALLY is the point of cards? I’m pretty sure if I care enough I’ll go ahead and say it with words instead of in writing. Just because an offering of bi- or sometimes tri- fold well wishes is considered necessary for every holiday, congratulation, thought, and freaking sneeze (not to mention some holidays have been CREATED for the multi-billion dollar industry) doesn’t make it make any more sense.

We all learned how to speak at a young age, so why don’t you go ahead and say happy birthday, or happy graduation, or congrats you have (another) baby, or thank God you finally found someone to marry you? Now they even have talking and singing cards that you can record your OWN voice into…. yeah that makes sense??!?!

Or even worse, how about the production of giving and recieving cards. The card giver is conveniently standing right in front of you watching as you open the card and (painfully) waiting for you to react to it (I never know how to react to everyone watching you open a card… apparently there should be some grand surprised and pleased gesture about what the card editor in California has to say to you in your middle America home. Touching.) Should I cry? Should I jump up and down? Should I read it out loud? Should I pass it around? Should I smirk vs. laugh? What if I don’t get the corny joke and someone has to explain it to me AND then I have to pull another classic reaction out of my ass? (reaction X 2!! Talk about stressful!) There should be a rulebook.

I always get a card and then don’t have any clue what to do with it. If you toss it, it seems cold, wrong, and wasteful… but on the other hand if you kept all the cards you have ever gotten thus far, you are automatically signing your life away to be the next star of Hoarders.

So why don’t we all just say what we think and leave out the tree murder… it’s win win.

Plus, everyone knows the only good thing about a card is what is slipped inside it, right??

“Dignity in Silence”

As I get older the more I appreciate the concept of playing my cards closer to my chest.

Diana (yeah that Diana who used to be a princess) once said that she realized the ultimate dignity that comes with silence. She was of course hounded by the press and under constant public scrutiny, but I think we can all take this lesson that she learned so tragically and use it in our own daily givings.

Isn’t it always beeter to keep your mouth shut than to say anything at all? Can you remember a time when you said something a wished immediately you could take it back? We have all found ourselves with our foot in our mouths and it is a very difficult task to not say anything over giving our personal opinion on everything. But from the workplace to friends, to family fueds I think less is definitely more.

People cannot come to the same conclusions and spread the same rumors if they have nothing to call you out on. If you think about it people just run their mouths and bury their own graves (ahmmm Charlie Sheen is a prime example). Oftentimes, what is said cannot be taken back and can do permanent damage not only to the individual situation, but also to one’s reputation.

Ultimately, there comes real respect when you don’t say anything at all, and more likely than not it is smarter to not get on the train at all and thank your lucky stars later that you weren’t in the wreck to begin with.

Popcorn and Candy: Horrible Bosses

I think at some point we have all been there. Had a boss that was less than stellar.

Mine happened to lead to my one and only firing from Baker’s shoe store in my early college days. For some crazy reason I couldn’t find the respect needed for my boss with her thong hanging out constantly, baby daddy drama being announced to whoever would listen, her sales skills involving sitting in a chair and chatting with her underage employees about partying, and her 1990 style faded stretched out denim jeans that she wore on a daily cycle (maybe not a good reason… but at the time it seemed severely sufficient).

I dunno why… but I just COULDN’T take her seriously. Silly me.

I understand NOW that no matter how terrible the boss, it’s about the job. Oh real world how I despise thee.

This summer Jason Bateman, Jason Sudeikis and that funny guy from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia (you know who I’m talking about) meet their own match in the workplace in the form of Jennifer Aniston, Kevin Spacey, and (a bald) Colin Ferrell (reminiscent of Tom Cruise in a little movie called Tropic Thunder…Perhaps another Golden Globe is in the works?) 

The upcoming movie appropriately titled Horrible Bosses comes out in July and deals with the trio’s quest for the ultimate satisfaction in their plot to get revenge against their managing nemesis’.

Oh guys, did I mention J. Aniston gets down to her underwear?